When I woke up from my nap today, my heart was beating super fast. I couldn't tell if it was from the lack of sleep, the 2 very boozy drinks I had earlier in the day, or the fact that my paradigm had shifted. Okay, more than a shift...a complete unearthing of a new reality.
We left for New Jersey just 2, long days back. J had just gotten off of work, and by 8am we were on our way. His mother and I were gracious enough to let him sleep to counteract the sleepiness that comes with a 13 hour work day. So, we talked...about a lot. Not just her handsome and loving son in the back but about everything.
Granted, a lot had to do with him. I mean he and I have been dating for almost 8 months. When he woke, I jokingly made the comment that with all the stories that I had heard about him, I wasn't sure if I wanted to still have him as my boyfriend by the end of the trip. Call it cold, call it mean...but it was all in jest. He played along well.
Almost to the moment, 48 hours later, he would no longer have a girlfriend. He would have a fiancé...me. Fuck.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. I have been running to and from that very word since I decided I could actually marry this guy. I have told countless people about our imaginary pending nuptials. I asked my father to pick out some music for crissake. It was going to happen...but maybe to me it was still all imaginary. Until he walked me across that bridge, until he spun me around and said he had to ask me something, until he got down on one knee and said, "Aly, will you marry me?", until he knelt there grinning like a deaf man hears...it was still imaginary.
My imaginative thoughts of being engaged had become an instantaneous reality. And I was fucking lost. I didn't hesitate, I just didn't know how to digest my surroundings. This was real, and this very loving man was waiting for an answer.
My internal thoughts: "Wait. Is this. Is this actually happening right now? He's waiting. He is waiting for me to say something. Fuck. I can't remember. Do I want this? Does he know what this means? Is he certain that our lives can be intertwined for as long as we both...fuck. Okay. Calm."
What I said: "Wait. Are you serious right now? Hold up. I know what I am supposed to say. I have been practicing. **Yes, I will marry you.**"
My body was shaking, my mind was reeling, I needed a smoke. I needed a drink. I needed to sit down. I sat. I smoked. I called my mom and dad. I listened to her happiness and tears and knew they were direct reflections of my own feelings. I was happy. I am happy. My imperfect man decided to take a lifetime chance on me, a perfectly imperfect, poor excuse for a girlfriend and make me his fiance. And since he told me there was no engagement's remorse ;-) (I have to give him a hard time) it will take me some time to adjust to my new reality. Like I told him when he asked me a few days back if I was ready to be engaged and married, "If I wait till I am ready, I will never be ready."
I ask your prayers for me and him as we set out on a new (but same however slightly different) path. Pray that we might encounter Christ at every turn, and continue our journey together in gracious humility. Be blessed friends as I am truly blessed.
HOLY CRAP-A-DUCK! I'M FREAKING ENGAGED!
We left for New Jersey just 2, long days back. J had just gotten off of work, and by 8am we were on our way. His mother and I were gracious enough to let him sleep to counteract the sleepiness that comes with a 13 hour work day. So, we talked...about a lot. Not just her handsome and loving son in the back but about everything.
Granted, a lot had to do with him. I mean he and I have been dating for almost 8 months. When he woke, I jokingly made the comment that with all the stories that I had heard about him, I wasn't sure if I wanted to still have him as my boyfriend by the end of the trip. Call it cold, call it mean...but it was all in jest. He played along well.
Almost to the moment, 48 hours later, he would no longer have a girlfriend. He would have a fiancé...me. Fuck.
I just can't seem to wrap my head around it. I have been running to and from that very word since I decided I could actually marry this guy. I have told countless people about our imaginary pending nuptials. I asked my father to pick out some music for crissake. It was going to happen...but maybe to me it was still all imaginary. Until he walked me across that bridge, until he spun me around and said he had to ask me something, until he got down on one knee and said, "Aly, will you marry me?", until he knelt there grinning like a deaf man hears...it was still imaginary.
My imaginative thoughts of being engaged had become an instantaneous reality. And I was fucking lost. I didn't hesitate, I just didn't know how to digest my surroundings. This was real, and this very loving man was waiting for an answer.
My internal thoughts: "Wait. Is this. Is this actually happening right now? He's waiting. He is waiting for me to say something. Fuck. I can't remember. Do I want this? Does he know what this means? Is he certain that our lives can be intertwined for as long as we both...fuck. Okay. Calm."
What I said: "Wait. Are you serious right now? Hold up. I know what I am supposed to say. I have been practicing. **Yes, I will marry you.**"
My body was shaking, my mind was reeling, I needed a smoke. I needed a drink. I needed to sit down. I sat. I smoked. I called my mom and dad. I listened to her happiness and tears and knew they were direct reflections of my own feelings. I was happy. I am happy. My imperfect man decided to take a lifetime chance on me, a perfectly imperfect, poor excuse for a girlfriend and make me his fiance. And since he told me there was no engagement's remorse ;-) (I have to give him a hard time) it will take me some time to adjust to my new reality. Like I told him when he asked me a few days back if I was ready to be engaged and married, "If I wait till I am ready, I will never be ready."
I ask your prayers for me and him as we set out on a new (but same however slightly different) path. Pray that we might encounter Christ at every turn, and continue our journey together in gracious humility. Be blessed friends as I am truly blessed.
HOLY CRAP-A-DUCK! I'M FREAKING ENGAGED!
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