"Getting older's not been on my plans"

  My father hates the doctor. He hates the hospital and all things that he considers to be invasive to his personal self. So, when he believed he had a heart attack, I was scared--shitless. Especially when he decided he needed to go to the emergency room. That was not my father. He is the strong, silent type. You know the man's man; pain is just an expression of hard work and being alive.   But I've been lucky because my family is close. It had always been my mom, dad, my brother and I...always together. Always battling; always conquering anything that came along. So this incident was no different. However, I have learned that even the strong things fall. Sometimes, they fall hard enough never to get up again.   But this isn't about my dad or his heart attack. This is about last moments. The moments we don't realize are the last until they're over.   Thursday, book club day, a last moment. As my dad and mom stayed in the hospital, my brother and I went across the...

  I never wanted to be married. I sorta wanted kids. I never truly planned to spend the rest of my life in Oklahoma. I wanted to be the director of the FBI by the time I was 25. I wanted to travel the world and see things people only dreamed about...now here I am.   A few day ago, I came across an opportunity to travel to Thailand and Cambodia for 2 weeks doing volunteer work with wildlife. Elephants to be exact. I want it. I want it badly. But what does that mean for me now?   Today, my boss asked me if I was a P1 employee or a P2. Having not understood either he explained. P1: someone who is mobile at anytime to follow an opportunity. P2 being the opposite. Immediately, my heart lurched. Obviously, I always wanted to be a P1. I am now a P2. My family is a P1 family. Although I have been here for a long time now, my nomadic heart still longs for the unknown. My newly embraced engagement has me at a P2.   So what am I now? A P2? I just went through my 31st birthda...

  To another day older tomorrow and another after that and so on and so forth... cheers.   

  "In a relationship, what can be more powerful than I choose you?"   Lately, perhaps because I am getting older, or because I am feeling insecure, or because even when I have a ring on my finger I still need reassuring, I have been thinking about me...or more specifically my relationship with white boy. I think sometimes I over think.   I remember a video I watched about the difference between men and women and the way their brain works. In essence, it was a woman can think of 100 things at one time and a man can literally think about nothing. Which fascinated me...literally blank. So, when I tell him I need a drive to think about all aspects of my life he being one of them, he is taken back.   Last night I took a drive. Three hours to the dam and I was not better just more calm. I realized something on that drive. When I drive, I think of nothing. I have the ability to think about so many things at once that nothing has the ability to take hold in my brain. Sav...