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"I'll take 'I choose you' for eternity, Alex"

  "In a relationship, what can be more powerful than I choose you?"

  Lately, perhaps because I am getting older, or because I am feeling insecure, or because even when I have a ring on my finger I still need reassuring, I have been thinking about me...or more specifically my relationship with white boy. I think sometimes I over think.
  I remember a video I watched about the difference between men and women and the way their brain works. In essence, it was a woman can think of 100 things at one time and a man can literally think about nothing. Which fascinated me...literally blank. So, when I tell him I need a drive to think about all aspects of my life he being one of them, he is taken back.
  Last night I took a drive. Three hours to the dam and I was not better just more calm. I realized something on that drive. When I drive, I think of nothing. I have the ability to think about so many things at once that nothing has the ability to take hold in my brain. Save one...
  Cold feet. I have heard that it happens before one gets married. But, because of the scary idea of being married, I feel like I am getting a hint of it now. And my fear is that if I let frostbite set in then I will inevitably lose everything.
  Tonight, when relaying (apparently out of nowhere according to J) my thoughts and feelings that I have been having the last few days, he said, "I don't know what else to say but that I love you." It's like he is asked the above question on the game of Life Jeopardy and his answer is standing there with his heart pockets turned out saying "I have nothing left to give! You have everything!"
  So why do things and thoughts like these: "I don't deserve you," "You are so much better than I could have," "Am I a burden to you," "Are our good times more than my emotional breakdowns" run through my head? Perhaps it is inevitable. Perhaps this is all just part of it. I know I have said it before, but there is still a part of me that thinks he will take it back thinking it has all being for naught.
  His reassurance is like a fresh spring in the middle of the desert. I may always need it, or I may one day be able to relax in the comforting thought that he loves me and that he did choose me. Above all others, he chose me. That truth will help me for now. Until he must once again tell me that it is he and I...just he and I.

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