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What I want to be when I grow up

  I never wanted to be married. I sorta wanted kids. I never truly planned to spend the rest of my life in Oklahoma. I wanted to be the director of the FBI by the time I was 25. I wanted to travel the world and see things people only dreamed about...now here I am.
  A few day ago, I came across an opportunity to travel to Thailand and Cambodia for 2 weeks doing volunteer work with wildlife. Elephants to be exact. I want it. I want it badly. But what does that mean for me now?
  Today, my boss asked me if I was a P1 employee or a P2. Having not understood either he explained. P1: someone who is mobile at anytime to follow an opportunity. P2 being the opposite. Immediately, my heart lurched. Obviously, I always wanted to be a P1. I am now a P2. My family is a P1 family. Although I have been here for a long time now, my nomadic heart still longs for the unknown. My newly embraced engagement has me at a P2.
  So what am I now? A P2? I just went through my 31st birthday. Another day...another moment...and a wrinkle in time. I highly doubt I am old enough to be going through a midlife crisis; however, knowing that the one I have chosen to marry is tied forever to this place and even more specifically, his home has me thinking. What do I want to be when I grow up?
  Do I want to be married? Do I want kids? Do other people want that for me? Do I not know what I want and in the unknown am I completely lost? I believe so. I am pretty sure. Most definitely. A million times yes. So now what?
  These are things I most usually keep to myself. But I have to get them out there. It is eating me up. I talked to J tonight about my thoughts, feelings, and uncertainties and as always he is a constant. Scared this time I might leave but a constant. I asked if we could push off the wedding. I asked if we could postpone. I don't truly think I want either of those things. Because when I think about them my heart starts to race and I feel more uncertain.
  But I am almost to the point where I don't want to deal with all the stress of a wedding. The idea makes me shudder and begin to hate it. And that's sad for it being 300 something days away. Why can't I just get with the program?! I said yes. I meant it. So why is this seeming so difficult? And it hurts him. I hate that it hurts him.
  I am scared and tired. So very tired. I need lots of prayers. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I think I'm ready to be a P2, but I'm still adjusting. Moments like this make me believe in elopement. :)
  All I know is this... it is me and him, and it will always be me and him. And that is probably the only non-stressful part about it. If I can focus on that simple truth all else will be okay.

Getting older's never been on my plans. Guess I have no choice. :-P

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