Skip to main content

79 days and a canker sore

  I haven't written in what seems like forever. I think of something I want to say then sleep takes over, or it is time to get out of the shower. But, I figure I should. So many thoughts...so little time. Today marks 79 days till I am no longer able to mark the "singles" box on any for I fill out. Today marks 79 days till I am no longer a Dever. Today...tomorrow...forever...
  I don't stress often. Or at least, I don't feel as though I do. I often feel more overwhelmed but not necessarily stressed. I always thought I handled stress well. In fact, I took a test once that was measuring stress levels. I remember answering... yes to a death (my brother) job change (fired and new job) life change (went back to school) traveling (long vacation) all within a 6 month period. The test concluded that I was stressed to the max. I specifically remember taking this test on the toilet, and thinking... huh... I don't feel it.
  However, the older I get, I tend to listen to my body more. And quite suddenly and quietly, a canker sore popped up a week ago. Something I haven't experienced in years. Stress. Loads of it! I think I am doing okay, but one more little thing and I might just lose it...in public. I lost it in the shower the other day and had to regain my focus as dots came into my vision and my breathing got shallow. I got a small glimpse into my future. No longer single. No longer a Dever. No longer single.
  I wasn't the marrying type. In fact, I am still a bit convinced I am not the marrying type. I was talking to white boy the other day about this very thing. I told him I may not be the marrying type, but I was more than anything to spend my life with you. And...if I have to get married to do that then I can and will. I'm not ready to get married! Far from it. But I am ready to start my life with him. So ready.
  I need prayers. Loads of them. I am so blessed to have the friends and family that I have. I am so blessed to have white boy. Don't tell anyone, but I find myself crying a lot cause I miss him so much during the week. I've become the weak one. Ugh. I'm turning into a sap! I don't know where I am going with this. I guess I am just checking in with my sanity.
  If you have any prayers left, please send them my way. Be blessed friends, as I am blessed.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The sun will come out...when?

   I could have really used the sun today. You know that feeling between being in an okay mood and being in a not so okay mood? Well, I am there. And, I know for a fact that the sun would have pushed me to the side of okay...or maybe even taken me to great. No sun today. Just grey, blah weather. I hate it! It makes me doubt things. It makes me create things in my mind. It makes me think of the demeantors breeding bad juju.    I need the sun. Today has been more of a blah day than I have experienced in a long while. The weather isn't just hazy, I have become haze. The weather isn't just dank. I have become dank. The weather isn't just cold. I have become cold. So much so that the phone I answer at work would better serve me if thrown through the window in front of me. So much so that the cell phone I keep in touch with my friends would better serve me if broken.     SAD: seasonal affective disorder. I think most people know what this is...
Post a Comment
Read more

Used to but not anymore

       I used to have this friend. It was a friendship that was uncomplicated and never required a lot of personal struggle. I never felt uncomfortable or as though I had to compromise myself. It was a friendship of true honesty and sincerity, and I miss it.         Oddly enough, I have these moments that I imagine my entire life ending. Just stopping. And as I ponder on where I am and who I am around and who would be affected, I think of this friend. Probably because they aren't around anymore. I think that perhaps they aren't around to help me cope with the things I encounter on a daily basis. Odd, you say? Eh, if you knew them, you wouldn't think so.         I honestly can't remember the first time I met this person. I was very young, and never imagined that we would grow as close as we did. It was perhaps a friendship forged in similar tastes and loves. We loved to banter about religion and philosophy and litera...
2 comments
Read more

What is love? Baby, I'm hurting...I'm hurting...🎶🎶

  Early last week was bad for white boy. He was injured and is probably left with a broken foot. Now, he hasn't been to the doctor and continues to walk and work and do all the things. He continues to also piss me off because he hasn't gone. Granted, I tend to be stubborn too, but if that would have happened to me and my foot looked like that, I would have been at the doctor's office first thing in the morning.   Having said that, that is all I can think about in the back of my mind. How much he is in pain and how much it sucks. I can't fix it, but I can get irritated and semi-yell at him for not going to have it checked out. Guess that's how I cope. I love him, but damn is it frustrating.   Sometimes I wonder how people show love. Sometimes I wonder if people show love in grandiose ways or if the subtlety of love is what is true love. Sure, I mean when he proposed that was a good indicator that he loves me. When I said yes is also a good indicator that I love him...
Post a Comment
Read more