By nature, humans will, at one point in their life, ask the question, "For what purpose? Why am I here? What am I meant to do?" Okay, maybe they will ask themselves more than 1 question...but at least around the same theme. "Who am I, and why am I here?" It is built in our very DNA. Growing up, I didn't ask this often. I had a loving family who went with the current. Who I was and why I was here was bound up in my place in my family of 4. I was comfy. I was loved. I was secure. But alas...the question presented itself.
I first asked myself this question walking down the streets of Rome. I was alone, I was 21, and I was lost. I had just finished AmeriCorps and felt like I wanted something, but wasn't sure what that was. I had found my faith, at last, and realized that perhaps I wanted to be a bigger part of the Church collective. I felt meaning to my nothingness. I went home with direction. I graduated from college, finally, and started grad school to become a Catechetical Director.
But how to pay for life? I started out as a receptionist at a manufacturing company and within 6 months I became a Customer Service Rep/Inside Sales Rep. Wow. I was working in the real world. I came from parents who were teachers at a parochial school and a mom who also worked for non-profit. This. Was. Different. And I was good. Damn good. I seemed to have been bit by the corporate bug. I thrived on deadlines and the chaos that is the political bullshit of the white-collar world.
It was shortly before I became a CS rep that I got the opportunity to become a catechetical director at my home parish. I was in grad school and about to have my dream job. So, why continue grad school? I dropped it, and decided full tilt I wanted the corporate life...while continuing the directorship of RCIA. I could do both, and I did. For a long time, I did both. For 7 years, until COVID happened and I finally got pregnant, I did both. Loved it. Loved both.
At some point, I was done with the culture at my first MFG, corporate job. I needed to move on. I was at the top of my game, but my heart was in the grey. I moved and am currently at the job I have now. And slowly and gradually the question has once again come to my heart. "For what purpose?"
I am no longer comfy in my place in my family of 4. I have lost my brother and mother, and I am no longer secure in the place I once was. It looks different now. I still have my father, yes, thank God, but I also have my own family of 4. I married a wonderfully, secure man who loves the heart that beats beneath my chest and 2 miraculously, vivacious kids.
But, she is persistent, "Why am I here? What am I meant to do?" I watched an interview with Shia LaBeouf and Bishop Barron last week about his conversion from the depths of hell to the doors of the Catholic Church. It was a beautiful and awkward conversation between the two. But, what stood out the most was this... The Arithmetic of Purpose: 1. Find out what you are good at. + 1. Find out how to help people with that. = You have found your purpose.
Simple...in theory. Fucking hard...in practice. What am I good at? What drives me? What could I use to help others? Does it have to do with sitting behind a desk making sure that a certain product gets made on time? Does it? Does it exist in the teaching of others for the sake of their soul? Does it? What is it?
No, I don't have a resolution for 2024. I have a determined personal outcome. We can only change what we can. If I were to have a resolution, perhaps it is putting more stock into finding out my "purpose." I was never good at math, but maybe it will actually make sense this time. Here is to hoping. *cheers*
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