I have been side by side with friends who have experienced this sense of nothingness. I have calmed fears and wiped away tears. I have been there when hope seemed so far away. But, never had I felt that sense of emptiness. Until now...
From the moment I knew what sex was, I was convinced I would get pregnant the moment I engaged in sexual relations. I knew I would never be able to get away with casual sex because sitting my parents down and telling them me and the man I was seeing were expecting a child...out of wedlock. That fear was mine. Granted, I kept myself for reasons other than this, but this certainly was entertained more than not.
So, strange for me, when I consummated my marriage that I came up barren. Nothing. There was no child to speak of. I was without. Eh. It was a fleeting thought of let down after many endless talks of "I could quite possibly be pregnant this time next month." Month after month... Nothing.
Two months back, I sat on the couch with my beloved talking about this very thing. He made a comment that although meant with no ill will, was hurtful. "Maybe you're the one who can't conceive." I pointedly gave him the state followed with, "Don't you ever say anything like that again. For all we know it could be you." See... I do that. I hurt others when I am hurt. I shouldn't have said such, but that thought of brokenness was too raw to deal alone. He took it back knowing he hurt me.
But that thought still haunts. Maybe I am broken. Now, I would never say that those I am dear with that can't have kids are broken. This post would declare otherwise, but as honest as I can be... I would never say such not mean it. I don't think they are, but my own feelings concerning me and others are two different things. I feel a bit broken.
It isn't that we don't have sex. We do...and it is amazing. In fact, when we fly to the heavens, I always get a text the next morning from him that tells me how amazing it was and how incredible our love making is. I can't ever disagree. I can only say "same." And how blessed I am to have a man that comments such. And still...every time.
I have moments of "when it happens, it happens" and "I am not worried about it" and "God knows." Although those things are true, especially the last one, thoughts of brokenness tend to take precedence, and I can't shake them. I have taken no less than 5 tests throughout the time I thought it could be this time and nothing. I convince myself moments before I take it that it will come up positive but as I am waiting the 5 minutes for it to read I have already convinced myself that it will be just one more let down notch in my belt of barrenness.
*sigh* I could use prayers friends. If not for what we wish, then for sanity and peace. I seek not consolation or encouragement, but just openness to expel these thoughts.
Peace friends...
From the moment I knew what sex was, I was convinced I would get pregnant the moment I engaged in sexual relations. I knew I would never be able to get away with casual sex because sitting my parents down and telling them me and the man I was seeing were expecting a child...out of wedlock. That fear was mine. Granted, I kept myself for reasons other than this, but this certainly was entertained more than not.
So, strange for me, when I consummated my marriage that I came up barren. Nothing. There was no child to speak of. I was without. Eh. It was a fleeting thought of let down after many endless talks of "I could quite possibly be pregnant this time next month." Month after month... Nothing.
Two months back, I sat on the couch with my beloved talking about this very thing. He made a comment that although meant with no ill will, was hurtful. "Maybe you're the one who can't conceive." I pointedly gave him the state followed with, "Don't you ever say anything like that again. For all we know it could be you." See... I do that. I hurt others when I am hurt. I shouldn't have said such, but that thought of brokenness was too raw to deal alone. He took it back knowing he hurt me.
But that thought still haunts. Maybe I am broken. Now, I would never say that those I am dear with that can't have kids are broken. This post would declare otherwise, but as honest as I can be... I would never say such not mean it. I don't think they are, but my own feelings concerning me and others are two different things. I feel a bit broken.
It isn't that we don't have sex. We do...and it is amazing. In fact, when we fly to the heavens, I always get a text the next morning from him that tells me how amazing it was and how incredible our love making is. I can't ever disagree. I can only say "same." And how blessed I am to have a man that comments such. And still...every time.
I have moments of "when it happens, it happens" and "I am not worried about it" and "God knows." Although those things are true, especially the last one, thoughts of brokenness tend to take precedence, and I can't shake them. I have taken no less than 5 tests throughout the time I thought it could be this time and nothing. I convince myself moments before I take it that it will come up positive but as I am waiting the 5 minutes for it to read I have already convinced myself that it will be just one more let down notch in my belt of barrenness.
*sigh* I could use prayers friends. If not for what we wish, then for sanity and peace. I seek not consolation or encouragement, but just openness to expel these thoughts.
Peace friends...
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