When the soul shatters...

  You always hear of things that cut to the very core of one's being. But, most of the time we don't entertain them. We give them little to no thought. Until we are caught in the middle of watching our soul being ripped in two right before our eyes, we can't imagine ourselves that broken. That it can happen to us.
  It can be anything really. It can be death; it can be depression; it can be any kind of action that drives us to feel fragmented. It can be at the hand of another, or a catastrophe of our own doing. It usually comes with a displace in trust, and a shattering of a perspective one thought untouchable.
  I spout often of the humanity of us all. How important it is for us to be truly human, but when that humanity flings its excrement in my face, I get shocked...why? Because of the insurmountable amount of pain caused, or because my words are more gilded than I truly believe them to be.
  This year has been the shits. From day one until now. It has been this constant waiting and dealing with the fallout. That constant state of --"what horror will befall us next." And then when it hits --"how much more can we take." But, in all of that, we still hold out a small modicum of hope. We want there to be perpetual light that surrounds our very being. It makes it easier when we have a light to guide our path.
  I have been begging for this year to hurry up and finish...it has done it's worse. Or has it? I fear that it hasn't, and I am just not sure what to hold on to to make the ride not so bumpy. In late July, I wrote of "wrench dodging," and I feel as though I have calloused up so each new nick doesn't bleed, or perhaps it just hurts less. Maybe I have just had a small moment of peace.
  Since 2010, my life's journey has been lived by a series of notable, documented moments. I spend so much time regurgitation the notion of momentous change. For odd that momentous truly means full of a moment. Full of an instant. If in an instant our world is shook...looks are instant, thoughts are instant, heartbeats are instant, breaths are instant. And each one of these: a look, a thought, a heartbeat, and a breath are just fleeting things. And they fly quickly.
  Ben Rector's song, When a Heart Breaks wraps up this entire momentous fallout folly. "I heard the doctor/But what did he say/I knew I was fine about this time yesterday/I don't need some answers/I just need some peace." It is that waiting that is so hard to endure. The waiting on the cusp of change. I fear we are here once again, and I am not sure there is any breaking or slowing down.
  And what do we hope? We hope there is small part of our soul that is salvageable when the smoke clears and we take stock after the fallout. We hope there is a small malleable part of our humanity that is distinguishable from the hard rock we don't wish to become. We hope there is perpetual light that surrounds us. We hope...if only for a moment. Because in those moments, as we string them together, we find our life.