I don't look the same from when I started dating white boy. In fact, to me, I am barely recognizable. Love made me fat. It is my excuse and I recognize it as just that...an excuse. White boy doesn't look the same from when I started dating him. In fact, to me, he is barely recognizable. Love made him beautiful.
I never thought of him as an ugly guy. To be honest, I thought he was one of the the prettiest boys I had ever dated. But, in looks, I was out of his league. I could turn heads and had more than one person turned in my direction. I also had confidence to boot.
Because of "love" and my "weight gain" I have decreased in confidence, but mostly when it comes to him. I want him to love all parts of me, and because I struggle with loving all parts of myself, I can easily convince myself that I am not the person he met, dated, fell in love with, and married. But, not a day goes by that I am not regarded as beautiful. Granted, white boy isn't stupid. He knows I don't physically have all the same attributes...wait...I have more :-P But, he doesn't focus on them. He doesn't see my more than and count it as a less than.
It is odd being with a person who doesn't see themselves as good looking. It is odd being with a person who doesn't focus on his physicality unless he is flexing in front of the mirror. Because it is ALWAYS on my mind. My looks and his. I have often asked him if he knows how beautiful he is. Without denial, "No." And I can't seem to understand that concept.
Growing up, I knew I wasn't anything to look at. My parents and brother and even family always said I was beautiful which gave me enough confidence to not make it a big deal, but when I lost all the weight I had carried for so long, I instantly knew how I looked and how I was perceived. I fell in too much like with the way I was acknowledged. I think, even thought white boy says I look the same, that he and I wouldn't have gotten together if I looked back then as I do now. He states otherwise. Guess there is a little bit of me that is happy I was so obsessed with my weight.
But anyway...his perception of himself and his perception of me are straight out of a fantasy. He doesn't care or obsess of his looks and is completely in love with mine. Odd isn't it? The scales have tipped. My 7.5 is now a 4 and his 5.5 is now a 15! Perception really is a strange thing.
I guess why I bring this up, is because based on looks, he should be with someone much prettier than me. I won't deny it. It is a little thing that gives me a tinge of jealousy (hopefully something that doesn't rage into unhealthiness...luckily, with him he won't let it get out of hand.) But according to society pretty people are placed/or should be placed with other pretty people. And I am with him!
And even so, his spirit and character are even more beautiful than his looks. He is so beautiful it is saccharine! But, I digress...
Lately, I have seen friends on my FB that are truly beautiful people. They have all the physical attributes that should render them "perfect." But, their life is so far from anything I would consider perfect. And when I see their posts, I scooch a little closer to white boy...I touch him a little longer...I tell him he is beautiful a little more slowly...I kiss him a little more passionately, and I thank God that I have someone whose face gives me butterflies and his soul catches my breath.
I never thought of him as an ugly guy. To be honest, I thought he was one of the the prettiest boys I had ever dated. But, in looks, I was out of his league. I could turn heads and had more than one person turned in my direction. I also had confidence to boot.
Because of "love" and my "weight gain" I have decreased in confidence, but mostly when it comes to him. I want him to love all parts of me, and because I struggle with loving all parts of myself, I can easily convince myself that I am not the person he met, dated, fell in love with, and married. But, not a day goes by that I am not regarded as beautiful. Granted, white boy isn't stupid. He knows I don't physically have all the same attributes...wait...I have more :-P But, he doesn't focus on them. He doesn't see my more than and count it as a less than.
It is odd being with a person who doesn't see themselves as good looking. It is odd being with a person who doesn't focus on his physicality unless he is flexing in front of the mirror. Because it is ALWAYS on my mind. My looks and his. I have often asked him if he knows how beautiful he is. Without denial, "No." And I can't seem to understand that concept.
Growing up, I knew I wasn't anything to look at. My parents and brother and even family always said I was beautiful which gave me enough confidence to not make it a big deal, but when I lost all the weight I had carried for so long, I instantly knew how I looked and how I was perceived. I fell in too much like with the way I was acknowledged. I think, even thought white boy says I look the same, that he and I wouldn't have gotten together if I looked back then as I do now. He states otherwise. Guess there is a little bit of me that is happy I was so obsessed with my weight.
But anyway...his perception of himself and his perception of me are straight out of a fantasy. He doesn't care or obsess of his looks and is completely in love with mine. Odd isn't it? The scales have tipped. My 7.5 is now a 4 and his 5.5 is now a 15! Perception really is a strange thing.
I guess why I bring this up, is because based on looks, he should be with someone much prettier than me. I won't deny it. It is a little thing that gives me a tinge of jealousy (hopefully something that doesn't rage into unhealthiness...luckily, with him he won't let it get out of hand.) But according to society pretty people are placed/or should be placed with other pretty people. And I am with him!
And even so, his spirit and character are even more beautiful than his looks. He is so beautiful it is saccharine! But, I digress...
Lately, I have seen friends on my FB that are truly beautiful people. They have all the physical attributes that should render them "perfect." But, their life is so far from anything I would consider perfect. And when I see their posts, I scooch a little closer to white boy...I touch him a little longer...I tell him he is beautiful a little more slowly...I kiss him a little more passionately, and I thank God that I have someone whose face gives me butterflies and his soul catches my breath.
Comments
Post a Comment