Skip to main content

Our year of 3

Bee,
  I am usually one for so many words that I can't stop, but this time around, I have but few. What to say? What to say that I haven't already whispered while you slept soundly next to me? What to say when looking at you brings up too many emotions that words couldn't even begin to express them? What to say to you that I haven't begged you to memorize in fear that one day I would forget? 
  Thus, I love you.
  I heard it once said, "A best friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." This year has proven to be a lot of silent moments strung together because the song in our heart was desperately void of words. You, my best friend, have given me nothing but the utmost love, and have sang to my heart in ways I didn't know possible.
  The amount of pain we have endured this year...these last few years...has been nothing short of life altering. We have watched life ebb away from us in a way that has left us raw and searching for a high point in any and all circumstances...and rarely finding it but eventually finding each other. 
  Thus, I love you. 
  When so many times I say the hurtful things, I love you. When I so hopelessly fail to live up to the wife I should be, I love you. When I place walls around my heart that you have to so often tear down, I love you. When I shy away from your touch because I am struggling with my own internal demons, I love you. I love you and I will always love you. 
  Today is our 3rd year anniversary. 3 years from when you stood before our friends and family and claimed that you would love me for all of your life...and for all of mine. I still don't think I am ready to walk down that isle. 3 years later and I still find the idea of marriage daunting and scary. But you seem to make it all calm down. 
 To this day, I still remember you asking if I was ready for you...for us. I said no. I said I would never be ready. But, I am learning. A few months back you asked again if I was ready for him...for our family. I said no. I said I would never be ready. But, I am willing to learn.
  God has granted you and I the most precious miracle. I have prayed and I have pleaded for so long that it seems all so dreamlike. That in an instant...it could be over. And I know that you listen to my thoughts and worries and fears and you counteract them with your excitement and love and desire to be his father.       Please know that I am excited too. I am just hesitant. For so long, all we have known was pain and suffering with little moments of happiness. Please know that I am excited to bring into this world our 1st to make our family 3. This is our year of 3s. You. Me. Our son. 
  God's timing certainly has never proven to be mine. Perhaps all the waiting for him and the let down that he hasn't arrived yet, was just the time we needed to be as strong as the leather that represents our 3rd year. We have spent the last 3 years getting to know the way our hearts beat together when we touch. We have spent the last 3 years getting to know the way our anger subsides with just a look. We have spent the last 3 years getting to know the way our laughter intertwines with the other. So, we can now bring our son into a home with 2 people that know the true inner-workings of each other. No, my timing is certainly not God's...and for that I am thankful. 
  We are ready, or we will be....with each other...we will be. This year, which has been one of the worst, will be one of our greatest. I am so excited to embark on this journey with you. Here is to another 3...30...300...years by your side. 

       All my love,
                Aly
  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beneath the Weeping Willow

  "The willow submits to the wind and prospers until one day it is many willows—a wall against the wind. This is the willow's purpose." —  Frank Herbert, Dune   Time, although a very evasive concept, is in each moment a gift. And most often, I don't stop to look back at the road I have traveled on. Even more so, the road Justin and I have travelled together. But today it is warranted. Today marks 9 years as husband and wife, and 9 years of truly some amazing and adverse moments. We have lost the most cherished and birthed the most loved all the while interwoven with each other.    I will be the first to admit that our day to day appears to some: mundane. However, inside the ordinary he and I together have understood the profundity of love. It is brash and loud, but it is also cautious and quiet.  "Love is a many splendored thing."  It is the true basis of community, and I am proud of the community we have built.   The  willow  is the t...
Post a Comment
Read more

A human mirror

  I look at myself, a lot. I think it has something to do with the fact that I didn't think myself attractive for a long time. Now, I can look at myself even when someone else is in the bathroom. Before, I entered with head bowed and left the same. There are times when I look at myself 3 times before I leave. Most of the time, I focus on one aspect of myself: my eyes, my hair, my waist line, my clothes...something. I can see how this seems egotistical, but perhaps I am making up for lost mirror time.   However, I can only remember one time that I actually looked into the mirror to see something deeper than my outward appearance. And it scared me. I honestly didn't think it was possible to look into the mirror and truly see oneself. It always seemed so cliché. Until I did it.   That was 4 months ago. The moment I decided to walk away from a "relationship" that was nothing more than a confusing drag. It held me bound and clipped the wings I knew God had given me to f...
Post a Comment
Read more

It's the underlying peace...

For some reason, dating my first boyfriend was hard. I was 21; he was 18. We were together for maybe 2 months. I am even reluctant to call him my boyfriend. Classic story of he wanted me; I was bored...voila. And not too long before I broke it off, I found myself in the sacristy talking to my then pastor. I was confused and hurt. I honestly can't even remember why. But he changed me that day.   He told me this: when he was discerning the priesthood two weeks prior to ordination, he struggled. He struggled so much he was beginning to believe his choice of vocation was wrong. His spiritual director at the time told him to pray. He told him to spend one solid week praying as though he was going to leave formation. Leaning all prayer toward that thought. Then, he told him to pray the next solid week as though he was going to stay and become the priest that he believed, at one point, he was supposed to be.   And as he prayed, he struggled. His mind wanted to wander and his desire...
Post a Comment
Read more