Skip to main content

Our year of 3

Bee,
  I am usually one for so many words that I can't stop, but this time around, I have but few. What to say? What to say that I haven't already whispered while you slept soundly next to me? What to say when looking at you brings up too many emotions that words couldn't even begin to express them? What to say to you that I haven't begged you to memorize in fear that one day I would forget? 
  Thus, I love you.
  I heard it once said, "A best friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words." This year has proven to be a lot of silent moments strung together because the song in our heart was desperately void of words. You, my best friend, have given me nothing but the utmost love, and have sang to my heart in ways I didn't know possible.
  The amount of pain we have endured this year...these last few years...has been nothing short of life altering. We have watched life ebb away from us in a way that has left us raw and searching for a high point in any and all circumstances...and rarely finding it but eventually finding each other. 
  Thus, I love you. 
  When so many times I say the hurtful things, I love you. When I so hopelessly fail to live up to the wife I should be, I love you. When I place walls around my heart that you have to so often tear down, I love you. When I shy away from your touch because I am struggling with my own internal demons, I love you. I love you and I will always love you. 
  Today is our 3rd year anniversary. 3 years from when you stood before our friends and family and claimed that you would love me for all of your life...and for all of mine. I still don't think I am ready to walk down that isle. 3 years later and I still find the idea of marriage daunting and scary. But you seem to make it all calm down. 
 To this day, I still remember you asking if I was ready for you...for us. I said no. I said I would never be ready. But, I am learning. A few months back you asked again if I was ready for him...for our family. I said no. I said I would never be ready. But, I am willing to learn.
  God has granted you and I the most precious miracle. I have prayed and I have pleaded for so long that it seems all so dreamlike. That in an instant...it could be over. And I know that you listen to my thoughts and worries and fears and you counteract them with your excitement and love and desire to be his father.       Please know that I am excited too. I am just hesitant. For so long, all we have known was pain and suffering with little moments of happiness. Please know that I am excited to bring into this world our 1st to make our family 3. This is our year of 3s. You. Me. Our son. 
  God's timing certainly has never proven to be mine. Perhaps all the waiting for him and the let down that he hasn't arrived yet, was just the time we needed to be as strong as the leather that represents our 3rd year. We have spent the last 3 years getting to know the way our hearts beat together when we touch. We have spent the last 3 years getting to know the way our anger subsides with just a look. We have spent the last 3 years getting to know the way our laughter intertwines with the other. So, we can now bring our son into a home with 2 people that know the true inner-workings of each other. No, my timing is certainly not God's...and for that I am thankful. 
  We are ready, or we will be....with each other...we will be. This year, which has been one of the worst, will be one of our greatest. I am so excited to embark on this journey with you. Here is to another 3...30...300...years by your side. 

       All my love,
                Aly
  

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The sun will come out...when?

   I could have really used the sun today. You know that feeling between being in an okay mood and being in a not so okay mood? Well, I am there. And, I know for a fact that the sun would have pushed me to the side of okay...or maybe even taken me to great. No sun today. Just grey, blah weather. I hate it! It makes me doubt things. It makes me create things in my mind. It makes me think of the demeantors breeding bad juju.    I need the sun. Today has been more of a blah day than I have experienced in a long while. The weather isn't just hazy, I have become haze. The weather isn't just dank. I have become dank. The weather isn't just cold. I have become cold. So much so that the phone I answer at work would better serve me if thrown through the window in front of me. So much so that the cell phone I keep in touch with my friends would better serve me if broken.     SAD: seasonal affective disorder. I think most people know what this is...
Post a Comment
Read more

Used to but not anymore

       I used to have this friend. It was a friendship that was uncomplicated and never required a lot of personal struggle. I never felt uncomfortable or as though I had to compromise myself. It was a friendship of true honesty and sincerity, and I miss it.         Oddly enough, I have these moments that I imagine my entire life ending. Just stopping. And as I ponder on where I am and who I am around and who would be affected, I think of this friend. Probably because they aren't around anymore. I think that perhaps they aren't around to help me cope with the things I encounter on a daily basis. Odd, you say? Eh, if you knew them, you wouldn't think so.         I honestly can't remember the first time I met this person. I was very young, and never imagined that we would grow as close as we did. It was perhaps a friendship forged in similar tastes and loves. We loved to banter about religion and philosophy and litera...
2 comments
Read more

What is love? Baby, I'm hurting...I'm hurting...🎶🎶

  Early last week was bad for white boy. He was injured and is probably left with a broken foot. Now, he hasn't been to the doctor and continues to walk and work and do all the things. He continues to also piss me off because he hasn't gone. Granted, I tend to be stubborn too, but if that would have happened to me and my foot looked like that, I would have been at the doctor's office first thing in the morning.   Having said that, that is all I can think about in the back of my mind. How much he is in pain and how much it sucks. I can't fix it, but I can get irritated and semi-yell at him for not going to have it checked out. Guess that's how I cope. I love him, but damn is it frustrating.   Sometimes I wonder how people show love. Sometimes I wonder if people show love in grandiose ways or if the subtlety of love is what is true love. Sure, I mean when he proposed that was a good indicator that he loves me. When I said yes is also a good indicator that I love him...
Post a Comment
Read more