There is this scene in Deep Impact at the end of the film in which 2 characters are standing on the shores of the beach watching/waiting for the tsunami of water, the product of the asteroid, to come sweep them away. It isn't a secret it is coming; it isn't a secret what is going to happen. The inevitable is death. Complete ending.
Every year, I sit and wait for the tsunami that is August 15th. I wait for the inevitable that is this day. The grief, the pain, the flood of immobilizing memories to come sweep me away. It isn't a secret it is coming; it isn't a secret what is going to happen. And come it does. In strange ways, it comes. And the odd thing, I always think I am going to be ready. I always think I will be able to assuage the cavernous void that he left behind. Laughable I know. Anyone who understands one modicum of grief understands that we can't assuage the void. We have to embrace it. It doesn't go away; it doesn't close up. Perhaps it might become a little less cavernous but a void still the same.
10 years. 3,650 days. 87,600 hours. 315,360,000 seconds. 10 years of dealing with the 1 second he took his last breath. 10 years of making best friends with the void. 10 years of embracing the space that he once occupied so well.
This morning, as my body crumpled up, snot clogging my breathing, tears soaking my matted hair and pillow, I stared into that flood of immobilizing memories and I let it take me over. J hugged me, gently rubbing my back as I silently screamed in the pillow. And as quick as it came, I felt the tsunami sweep past me. I didn't feel so utterly alone. It was this year he found himself staring into his own cavernous void. He found his own flood of immobilizing memories. He knew. He finally knew what it felt like to lose. And as I imagine he felt himself looking at his own void, he slowly guided me through mine.
I expect that this day is always going to suck. I expect that I am going to hate every single representation of this day. And that's okay. I expect it. But, unlike 10 years ago, I don't expect that hate to linger. I expect it to knock on the door, stay for a moment, and leave.
Oh, my brother. Oh, my love. How quickly you were ripped from me. And how long will I miss you. It's been 10 years too long, but my time here is not over. How different I feel from the moment I felt. I do long to see you at the gates of heaven, but those gates are eternal; and I am not done here. I know we will meet at the gates of heaven, but until that time...I am just going to have to endure the tsunami. But no worries, I am not alone. Not anymore. Rest in the ever-loving peace of Chris, my love. Till we meet again.
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