There is only so much you can take. Only so much you can handle before you just can't. Anymore.
What is strength? How can one quantify it? Can you really be strong physically and have no emotional or mental strength? If so, how do you cope? If not, how do you balance? It is innate in us to give of ourselves. To something...whether it be family, friends, work, or just ourselves. But, we give what needs the most. Or, what we think needs the most. And it drains us. Completely.
I would venture to say, most of the time it is easy, and, if not easy, then manageable. But, what happens when it isn't anymore? I remember feeling this exact way when I was working at my last job. I would go and go and go and go...and then find myself on the verge of breaking. This past month has been the hardest for me in some time. Why? I don't think I can pinpoint exactly the reason, but I feel it. I feel the over-bending and the near-shattering of myself.
A week or so ago, I told a close co-worker I couldn't tell if I was done or I just needed a break. I could tell that at any moment I was going to snap in two and be unrecoverable. I would be a jumbled hot mess. It took everything to not walk out. And in an instant, I was right back where I was 6 years ago, in my bosses office screaming and yelling. Telling him if he pushed me any further I was going to come unglued. He gave me that look of..."are you done?" It had become a nearly daily occurrence that I found myself in his office praising my inabilities...praising his inadequate decisions of molding me into what I knew I could not be. The moment I snapped, he wasn't surprised...and I was. I had finally had enough and broke.
I became numb. Numb to the point that I stopped yelling. I stopped telling him what I could or could not do, and I just did. I bore the weight and just did. He came to me shortly after and told me he was "trying to break me...trying to see how far I could go...see what my limit truly was." My response: "You found it." With many placations, he assured me "you are not broken...yet, but you are close."
I am there again. This time, my yelling partner has changed. My tear brusher has changed. But the feeling remains. I walked into my parent's house and told them this was it. This was the moment I decide if I can do it or I have hit my own debt ceiling. The advice they gave me was good. Solid. But still left me drained and brittle.
So, then what? I decided I need to get away. I needed to expel the energy that has ceased to charge me and find a new. I am truly blessed with a job that aggravates me, challenges me, pushes me, and drowns me in new ideas. But, I am just that...drowning. I have been wearing this invisibility cloak for so long that when I imagine I still have it on, I have found that it has disappeared. When any one walks into my office, the first comment is, "Are you okay?" "What's wrong?" I explain with tiredness. I explain with a little more effort to make the accused go away.
Ah...the ramblings of the sore-hearted. Deep breath...vacation is less than a month away, and my soul is truly longing for a breath of fresh air. Come on, Arizona. "Catch me by surprise."
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