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A gift for my son

  It's something really...that moment of clarity. For the past 36 hours, I have been waiting for that moment. The one that makes it all just--fall in line. 
  I thought it would be the moment I was wheeled into the OR for my scheduled c-section. It wasn't. I thought it would be the moment I got to see if my daughter actually had hair. It wasn't. I thought it would be the moment I got to smell her breath to engulf the smell of life as I did her brother. It wasn't. 
  I just couldn't find it. And yet, for the last 36 hours all the wonderful little things I got to experience as I held my new little baby were leading up to the one I was missing. 
  You see...since I found out I was pregnant, I have been carrying around this deep-rooted sense of disinterest. Did I really want another baby? Did I actually want this? I had the perfect son who really had all the love I could hold. How would I ever love someone else as much as I loved him? 
  I didn't think it possible. Perhaps, I still don't. We will see. ;-) In fact, it took me several months before I looked at my son and thought, "Damn! I love you." I felt true obligation for caring for him...not love. 
  Maybe this one is a little different? I didn't play around with the first time mom ideals I once carried. I was/am a little more aware about a lot of things...mostly about my personal well-being and how I plan to not bury myself in guilt or "I have-tos." It almost did me in the last time, and I wasn't going to let it this time around. 
  But, how was I going to justify this new little one when Owen was still little? I wasn't done letting him be my baby and here I was with another baby. Dumb? Maybe. Real? Yes! 
  So, where was my moment? It only took 36 hours and the reality of a little blonde-haired, blue-eyed boy coming to meet his gift for the first time. I have shoved this picture out of my head for so long because I wasn't sure I wanted it to happen, but as I held Claire rocking her, waiting for Owen to show up in his little blue shirt, and his "I'm a Big brother" pin, carrying the grey giraffe he got Claire...I felt the moment stream down my face--and continue to stream in all of its reality.
  I was about to present my son with his most precious gift. I was about to recreate the moment my parents presented me to Andy. Justin was about to recreate the moment his parents presented Crystal to him. The big, proud brother meets his precious little sister. Although Owen might not fully understand, I did. Justin did. We all did. That moment was a grand one. 
  It all made sense. It all came crashing wonderfully together when that little boy walked in the room, looked at his gift and said, "baby...aww" and bent down to give her a kiss.
  Claire Grey Garner came wonderfully crashing into our lives yesterday afternoon. I am honored to be her mother and am excited to see the love I have for Owen bend and shape around another beautiful little soul. 
  Thank you for all of the well-wishes, texts, calls and prayers. It means so much!







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