Stand in the rain...

  There's a song, by Superchick, I used to binge when Andy died. The first time my mom heard it she looked at me and said, "They wrote this about you."

  "She never slows down.

  She doesn't know why

  But she knows that when she's all alone,

  Feels like its all coming down

  She won't turn around

  The shadows are long and she fears if she cries.    that first tear,

  The tears will not stop raining down"

I'll admit it, I've barely cried for mom. Most certainly a lot less than I ever imagined, and I think perhaps I am just waiting for the fall out. But, to experience a fall out, one has to be pushed to their literal brink. 

  Welp, I've hit it. I hit the wall. I hit the wall so hard, I'm a glob of goo running down slowly. And that first tear isn't stopping. 

  I'm laying beside my 5 week old, listening to my husband snore, (begging him to stop) running on 2 hours of sleep in the last 48, with a sick toddler in the other room crying in his sleep, and a father who not only a week ago was on the literal brink of death that I make sure to visit every day to make sure he doesn't die... not yet. 

  And while all of this is happening and the baby stirs because my tears are dropping on her head, I know I have to keep going. Why? Because I just watched a news cast of 3 teenagers who were killed in a car wreck this week, and I just heard the story of a 2 year old that wandered off and was found dead early this week. 

  Because my heart is sad. Because my physical body is spent. Because I can't give up... that's why I have to keep going. I fear it will be a long night with Claire as it was last night, but I also know that with all this going on, there is still hope. Even though the nights are so lonely and the days seem so indistinguishable, there is still hope. 

  I could list one by one the things that have rendered me goo-like, but why? To garner sympathy? No. To remind myself why, while I'm the midst of all that is dark, there is still that glimmer of hope. 

  I miss my rock. I miss the one who made it all better. I miss the one who held me while I broke. Now, I am her. I am the rock. I am the one who holds me when I break. I am she. And, I am she because mom made me that way. So, while I stand in the rain, I'll remember such...I will remember I am hope.