Skip to main content

Stand in the rain...

  There's a song, by Superchick, I used to binge when Andy died. The first time my mom heard it she looked at me and said, "They wrote this about you."
  "She never slows down.
  She doesn't know why
  But she knows that when she's all alone,
  Feels like its all coming down
  She won't turn around
  The shadows are long and she fears if she cries.    that first tear,
  The tears will not stop raining down"

I'll admit it, I've barely cried for mom. Most certainly a lot less than I ever imagined, and I think perhaps I am just waiting for the fall out. But, to experience a fall out, one has to be pushed to their literal brink. 
  Welp, I've hit it. I hit the wall. I hit the wall so hard, I'm a glob of goo running down slowly. And that first tear isn't stopping. 
  I'm laying beside my 5 week old, listening to my husband snore, (begging him to stop) running on 2 hours of sleep in the last 48, with a sick toddler in the other room crying in his sleep, and a father who not only a week ago was on the literal brink of death that I make sure to visit every day to make sure he doesn't die... not yet. 
  And while all of this is happening and the baby stirs because my tears are dropping on her head, I know I have to keep going. Why? Because I just watched a news cast of 3 teenagers who were killed in a car wreck this week, and I just heard the story of a 2 year old that wandered off and was found dead early this week. 
  Because my heart is sad. Because my physical body is spent. Because I can't give up... that's why I have to keep going. I fear it will be a long night with Claire as it was last night, but I also know that with all this going on, there is still hope. Even though the nights are so lonely and the days seem so indistinguishable, there is still hope. 
  I could list one by one the things that have rendered me goo-like, but why? To garner sympathy? No. To remind myself why, while I'm the midst of all that is dark, there is still that glimmer of hope. 
  I miss my rock. I miss the one who made it all better. I miss the one who held me while I broke. Now, I am her. I am the rock. I am the one who holds me when I break. I am she. And, I am she because mom made me that way. So, while I stand in the rain, I'll remember such...I will remember I am hope. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A goodbye love letter to you...

  I sat across from my dad at lunch, yesterday, and asked him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said, "Yeah. 1 year." And his eyes grew damp. "I'll never forget walking into that room..." He didn't continue. I didn't ask him to. "I'll never forget the police officer banging on my door at 1130 at night..." I didn't continue. He didn't ask me to.  "This journal was given to me several years ago by my children. I know they wanted me to write down my thoughts to get through the rough times I was going through at the time. I did not start this at that time. Why am I starting it now? Well, I only thought I had been through hell back then, but now I realize I didn't have any idea what heartache was until Aug 15, 2010 -"   This is the beginning of one of my mother's journals. A journal she started a little over a month after Andy died. And she wrote it--to him.  "Dear Mother - Today is the day before Mothe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Arithmetic of Purpose

   By nature, humans will, at one point in their life, ask the question, "For what purpose? Why am I here? What am I meant to do?" Okay, maybe they will ask themselves more than 1 question...but at least around the same theme. "Who am I, and why am I here?" It is built in our very DNA. Growing up, I didn't ask this often. I had a loving family who went with the current. Who I was and why I was here was bound up in my place in my family of 4. I was comfy. I was loved. I was secure. But alas...the question presented itself.   I first asked myself this question walking down the streets of Rome. I was alone, I was 21, and I was lost. I had just finished AmeriCorps and felt like I wanted something, but wasn't sure what that was. I had found my faith, at last, and realized that perhaps I wanted to be a bigger part of the Church collective. I felt meaning to my nothingness. I went home with direction. I graduated from college, finally, and started grad school to be...
Post a Comment
Read more

3000 miles...

      ...and I am exhausted. Just a little over an hour and a half ago, I reached 3000 miles on my trip, and as I sit here in this hotel room, in Fort Stockton, TX, I am realizing how tired I am. Isn't vacation supposed to be refreshing and relaxing? Yet, I feel neither. I feel as though I am running on fumes, like my car was moments ago before I gave her a drink.       I spent that last hour thinking about all the things I have done, all the people I have seen, all the wonderful food I have eaten, and I realize I am so blessed. I have everything I need and all the love and support a person could ask for, and because of that, I am truly blessed.       It took everything in my power to turn on my computer and type this, so this post is uber short. But, I wanted to thank everyone, thus far, who has extended a gracious hand to host me and be there for me in just a manner to show me love. I love each and everyone of you. (I am sure this will no...
Post a Comment
Read more