Skip to main content

Stand in the rain...

  There's a song, by Superchick, I used to binge when Andy died. The first time my mom heard it she looked at me and said, "They wrote this about you."
  "She never slows down.
  She doesn't know why
  But she knows that when she's all alone,
  Feels like its all coming down
  She won't turn around
  The shadows are long and she fears if she cries.    that first tear,
  The tears will not stop raining down"

I'll admit it, I've barely cried for mom. Most certainly a lot less than I ever imagined, and I think perhaps I am just waiting for the fall out. But, to experience a fall out, one has to be pushed to their literal brink. 
  Welp, I've hit it. I hit the wall. I hit the wall so hard, I'm a glob of goo running down slowly. And that first tear isn't stopping. 
  I'm laying beside my 5 week old, listening to my husband snore, (begging him to stop) running on 2 hours of sleep in the last 48, with a sick toddler in the other room crying in his sleep, and a father who not only a week ago was on the literal brink of death that I make sure to visit every day to make sure he doesn't die... not yet. 
  And while all of this is happening and the baby stirs because my tears are dropping on her head, I know I have to keep going. Why? Because I just watched a news cast of 3 teenagers who were killed in a car wreck this week, and I just heard the story of a 2 year old that wandered off and was found dead early this week. 
  Because my heart is sad. Because my physical body is spent. Because I can't give up... that's why I have to keep going. I fear it will be a long night with Claire as it was last night, but I also know that with all this going on, there is still hope. Even though the nights are so lonely and the days seem so indistinguishable, there is still hope. 
  I could list one by one the things that have rendered me goo-like, but why? To garner sympathy? No. To remind myself why, while I'm the midst of all that is dark, there is still that glimmer of hope. 
  I miss my rock. I miss the one who made it all better. I miss the one who held me while I broke. Now, I am her. I am the rock. I am the one who holds me when I break. I am she. And, I am she because mom made me that way. So, while I stand in the rain, I'll remember such...I will remember I am hope. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beneath the Weeping Willow

  "The willow submits to the wind and prospers until one day it is many willows—a wall against the wind. This is the willow's purpose." —  Frank Herbert, Dune   Time, although a very evasive concept, is in each moment a gift. And most often, I don't stop to look back at the road I have traveled on. Even more so, the road Justin and I have travelled together. But today it is warranted. Today marks 9 years as husband and wife, and 9 years of truly some amazing and adverse moments. We have lost the most cherished and birthed the most loved all the while interwoven with each other.    I will be the first to admit that our day to day appears to some: mundane. However, inside the ordinary he and I together have understood the profundity of love. It is brash and loud, but it is also cautious and quiet.  "Love is a many splendored thing."  It is the true basis of community, and I am proud of the community we have built.   The  willow  is the t...
Post a Comment
Read more

A human mirror

  I look at myself, a lot. I think it has something to do with the fact that I didn't think myself attractive for a long time. Now, I can look at myself even when someone else is in the bathroom. Before, I entered with head bowed and left the same. There are times when I look at myself 3 times before I leave. Most of the time, I focus on one aspect of myself: my eyes, my hair, my waist line, my clothes...something. I can see how this seems egotistical, but perhaps I am making up for lost mirror time.   However, I can only remember one time that I actually looked into the mirror to see something deeper than my outward appearance. And it scared me. I honestly didn't think it was possible to look into the mirror and truly see oneself. It always seemed so cliché. Until I did it.   That was 4 months ago. The moment I decided to walk away from a "relationship" that was nothing more than a confusing drag. It held me bound and clipped the wings I knew God had given me to f...
Post a Comment
Read more

79 days and a canker sore

  I haven't written in what seems like forever. I think of something I want to say then sleep takes over, or it is time to get out of the shower. But, I figure I should. So many thoughts...so little time. Today marks 79 days till I am no longer able to mark the "singles" box on any for I fill out. Today marks 79 days till I am no longer a Dever. Today...tomorrow...forever...   I don't stress often. Or at least, I don't feel as though I do. I often feel more overwhelmed but not necessarily stressed. I always thought I handled stress well. In fact, I took a test once that was measuring stress levels. I remember answering... yes to a death (my brother) job change (fired and new job) life change (went back to school) traveling (long vacation) all within a 6 month period. The test concluded that I was stressed to the max. I specifically remember taking this test on the toilet, and thinking... huh... I don't feel it.   However, the older I get, I tend to listen to...
Post a Comment
Read more