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Our last pedicure

  When I was pregnant with Owen, mom took me, just days before his birth, to get a pedicure. She and I always enjoyed getting our nails and feet done, and this was her treat to me. This time, with Claire, was no different. Mom took me on August 6th to get my "pre-birth" pedicure. I chose a bright pink because bright colours make your skin look more tan.
  Mom always said her polish lasted a long time because she didn't wear many closed-toe shoes. Mine didn't. I wear steel-toed boots and closed-toe shoes everyday. 
  This time is different. I have just a sliver of polish left. The last vintage of the time she and I sat in the massage chairs next to each other talking about how things were going to change with a new baby. 
  We laughed at the thought of Owen and his new baby sister. We smiled at the thought of me groggily waking each morning getting nothing but a few moments of sleep. We basked in the moments of just being there with each other.
  I told white boy I wanted to get my nails done before we go on vacation next week, but I am reluctant to take the last little bit of polish I have knowing that this is it. This is the last time I will see polish that she and I picked together. 
  It's odd isn't it? The little tiny things. The last little things I want to hold desperately to knowing they will never be again. I have walked around the last month with this tiny bit of polish still left, and I think of her Every. Damn. Time. I want her back so badly. Just so badly. 
  I want her to see Claire's smile. I want her to hear Owen's enunciation and how well he is doing with his words. I want her to see how I have been trying to get my weight under control. I want her to see how dad has opened up and become someone I have never known. I want her to laugh with me. I want her to cry with me. I want her to be with me. Just so badly.
  I plan to go get my nails done this week. I am not sure if a pedicure will be in the cards. I am not sure if I can erase just yet that last time. We'll see. But, for now, I see the sliver of pink and smile...a most tired and sad smile, but a smile none-the-less. 
  We're going back to AZ next week, and I am sure that every molecule of air I breathe will be drenched in memories of her...not looking forward to it and also looking forward to it. I might just take my half-pink toenails with me. Who knows.


  
  

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