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A motherless Mother's Day

   It was always an easy gift to get...yellow roses, some wonderful chocolates, a charcuterie assortment, a pedicure for the both us, and time spent together. The time was her favorite. But, this year, no yellow roses, no chocolates, no charcuterie assortment, no pedicure, and most felt...no time spent together. 
  I can't say I have been looking forward to this day. But, it came anyway. In 37 years, I didn't think I would be motherless so soon in life. It's been 8 months, 37 weeks, 262 days, and 6,294 hours since she left me motherless. Just 2 weeks after Claire was born...she left. 
  My husband, children, wonderful friends, and father have gone out of their way to make this day a bit more bright. Thinking of me a little more today. Not because I am a mother, but because I no longer have mine.
  But lately, when I think about her, I get angry. Not necessarily angry at her-she would have fought tooth and nail to stay, but angry nonetheless. Why? Maybe for leaving at all. Maybe because of the kids. Maybe because the one person in life who encouraged me to be the most authentic version of myself left. Or, maybe because I wasn't ready.
  I haven't written in so long because when I start to put pen to paper, my words feel empty. My throat closes. My thoughts jumble, and everything feels inadequate. I feel void. How then to proceed? When today, above all days, I should be paying the dearest homage to the one who lit up my night sky. I don't know. But, I can try.
  Mom, wherever to begin? Why did you go? Why did you leave the yellow roses to sit unbought only to whither without your adoring gaze? Why did you leave the box of chocolates uneaten? Why did you leave the yummy charcuterie assortment for others to enjoy? Why did you leave the pedicure chair empty of your presence? Why did you leave our time to be spent by me alone? 
  I miss you. I miss you something fierce. My North Star, my compass, my guide through the bog of life, my once constant saving grace, I miss you. Happy mother's day. Happy you day. Happy this above others to celebrate you day. Happy my heart is less full because you're gone day. Happy I wish more than anything to hear your laughter day. Happy come back day. Happy I can't wait to hold you again day. Happy...wait...happy motherless day. To me. 


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