Last year, on this day, I wrote a blog post entitled: "Dehumanizing my savior." It was a confession that I spent the evening waiting for and then dehumanizing my then on-again-off-again boyfriend. I looked him in the eye and told him, "I have been hot and cold because I was disregarding you as a human with feelings. It is easier to pretend you have no feelings to assuage my own self." I sat, at a friend's house that I was sitting for and berated him for my own pain's sake.
Oddly enough, exactly one year later, I sit at the same house, in the same spot, and eagerly await for him to come to me. To love me. To hold me. To tell me that I am his one and only. To spend a few blessed moments together.
What changed?! What could possibly have changed within him to cause me such a turn around? Absolutely nothing.
He is and has always been a constant. He has changed for no one not even me...the one he loved. And a year ago when he responded, "You pretended I didn't have feelings?" I had to hang my head and respond with a solid, "Yes." And the reason: to make him run. To make him run as fast as he could from me and my broken self.
Yet, he stayed. And he loved. He loved so hard that the pieces of my broken self began to form back into something that resembled a human heart. He loved so fiercely that I can't help tonight but text him, "Hurry and come to me." with tears in my eyes. I have come to need him like air. I have come to need his arms around my body like a desert flower needs the drops of rain it gets blessed with a few moments a year.
He didn't change. I did! I did because he stayed. He stayed and loved so fiercely that no longer did I mourn the torn pieces of myself. I no longer yearned for the tear stained pillow I found myself clinging to because of broken promises. He proved to me that the words my brother told me, "You are worth it. You are beautiful. You deserve the world" were in fact true! He made me believe that I am worth it.
He saved me. A year ago, on this day, when I wrote, "I am learning in this world what true self-worth really is. I am learning what true friendship really is. I am learning what true goodness really is. And he has taught me a great deal of that. I call him my savior, not to negate my True Savior, but to call attention to the the very nature of his personhood. He treats me, an at times truly despicable person, with what he thinks I deserve: happiness and care and honesty and pure respect. I could ask for nothing more. I am not deserving of his heart, but he thinks I am . I am not deserving of his time, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving of his concern, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving, but he thinks I am. And that makes me believe that perhaps I might be." I found myself. I found my future.
Tonight, I wait for my fiance to come and hold me and tell me that he missed me. And geez... do I miss him something fierce!
Oddly enough, exactly one year later, I sit at the same house, in the same spot, and eagerly await for him to come to me. To love me. To hold me. To tell me that I am his one and only. To spend a few blessed moments together.
What changed?! What could possibly have changed within him to cause me such a turn around? Absolutely nothing.
He is and has always been a constant. He has changed for no one not even me...the one he loved. And a year ago when he responded, "You pretended I didn't have feelings?" I had to hang my head and respond with a solid, "Yes." And the reason: to make him run. To make him run as fast as he could from me and my broken self.
Yet, he stayed. And he loved. He loved so hard that the pieces of my broken self began to form back into something that resembled a human heart. He loved so fiercely that I can't help tonight but text him, "Hurry and come to me." with tears in my eyes. I have come to need him like air. I have come to need his arms around my body like a desert flower needs the drops of rain it gets blessed with a few moments a year.
He didn't change. I did! I did because he stayed. He stayed and loved so fiercely that no longer did I mourn the torn pieces of myself. I no longer yearned for the tear stained pillow I found myself clinging to because of broken promises. He proved to me that the words my brother told me, "You are worth it. You are beautiful. You deserve the world" were in fact true! He made me believe that I am worth it.
He saved me. A year ago, on this day, when I wrote, "I am learning in this world what true self-worth really is. I am learning what true friendship really is. I am learning what true goodness really is. And he has taught me a great deal of that. I call him my savior, not to negate my True Savior, but to call attention to the the very nature of his personhood. He treats me, an at times truly despicable person, with what he thinks I deserve: happiness and care and honesty and pure respect. I could ask for nothing more. I am not deserving of his heart, but he thinks I am . I am not deserving of his time, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving of his concern, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving, but he thinks I am. And that makes me believe that perhaps I might be." I found myself. I found my future.
Tonight, I wait for my fiance to come and hold me and tell me that he missed me. And geez... do I miss him something fierce!
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