A little over a week ago, I asked J if he had morbid thoughts. He asked specifically what I meant, and I proceeded to tell him I have had thoughts about what I would do if he died before we got married. He wrinkled his nose and told me, "No." I asked him what he would do if I died before we got married and he said, "I would fall apart. I would be a mess. Inconsolable."
I tried to think I would be the same if I lost him. Since Andy died, I have become quite the realist. Not to be confused with a pessimist. I see things as they are and how, at any moment, they could be. But I couldn't quite wrap my head around my reaction to losing him
I spend a great deal of my sleeping time in vivid dreaming; however, I do believe, that two nights ago was the first time I have woken up from a truly terrifying dream...and cried. I didn't wake up crying. I woke up so very thankful it was a dream, caught my breath, and turned over pulling my covers over my head. My mind then rewound the emotions and images, and I couldn't help the onslaught of the ugly cry.
And after I quieted down, 10 minutes later, I needed to speak to one person. Him. The one who my mind and dreams convinced me wasn't the man I knew. By the grace of God, when I texted...he was awake. He inquired why I was awake so early, and I told him I just needed to tell him I loved him. I just needed to know it was okay and he still loved me. I just needed to know that between last night, when I dropped him off, and this morning, when I woke up, he was still mine.
I had experienced all the mind-altering, breath-stealing, mental-raging, and heart-breaking emotions of losing him. I had my answer. I would be a mess. And when he texted back and told me to go back to sleep and he would see me in a few hours, I couldn't help but be a little leery of my dreams. They were too unkind, and I no longer trusted them.
Several hours later, he arrived. I couldn't stop touching him. I couldn't stop staring at him and thanking God the dream was just that...a dream. I rarely verbalize the way I feel about J to others. I rarely seem as though I am excited about the journey I am about to take with the one my heart craves most. I rarely externalize anything but fear or uncertainty when it comes to talking about my upcoming nuptials. But I am getting more ready...and I am so happy.
I love him. I am in love with him. And I wish nothing more than to hold him and tell him he is my one for all the days of my life.
I tried to think I would be the same if I lost him. Since Andy died, I have become quite the realist. Not to be confused with a pessimist. I see things as they are and how, at any moment, they could be. But I couldn't quite wrap my head around my reaction to losing him
I spend a great deal of my sleeping time in vivid dreaming; however, I do believe, that two nights ago was the first time I have woken up from a truly terrifying dream...and cried. I didn't wake up crying. I woke up so very thankful it was a dream, caught my breath, and turned over pulling my covers over my head. My mind then rewound the emotions and images, and I couldn't help the onslaught of the ugly cry.
And after I quieted down, 10 minutes later, I needed to speak to one person. Him. The one who my mind and dreams convinced me wasn't the man I knew. By the grace of God, when I texted...he was awake. He inquired why I was awake so early, and I told him I just needed to tell him I loved him. I just needed to know it was okay and he still loved me. I just needed to know that between last night, when I dropped him off, and this morning, when I woke up, he was still mine.
I had experienced all the mind-altering, breath-stealing, mental-raging, and heart-breaking emotions of losing him. I had my answer. I would be a mess. And when he texted back and told me to go back to sleep and he would see me in a few hours, I couldn't help but be a little leery of my dreams. They were too unkind, and I no longer trusted them.
Several hours later, he arrived. I couldn't stop touching him. I couldn't stop staring at him and thanking God the dream was just that...a dream. I rarely verbalize the way I feel about J to others. I rarely seem as though I am excited about the journey I am about to take with the one my heart craves most. I rarely externalize anything but fear or uncertainty when it comes to talking about my upcoming nuptials. But I am getting more ready...and I am so happy.
I love him. I am in love with him. And I wish nothing more than to hold him and tell him he is my one for all the days of my life.
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