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The disconnect

   We have all heard the famous idiom: "If it isn't broke don't fix it." But how often if it is broken do we take the time to fix it?
   I have been quite emotional lately, and I am starting to wonder why. Are things good in my life? Yes, I have no complaints. I recently, as of this week, started a new job, and am thankful for the more cash flow. I have a loving and caring family, a great group of friends, some I am closer with and some that let me crash at their house for a night of talking and movie watching...simply to catch up. I have a kind and loving bf who showers me with genuine compliments and lavishes me with care and concern. I have a dog that does what he does best: loves unconditionally. Overall, I have what I could consider the perfect life.
   So, what's my problem? I used to have a friend in my life that I cared for deeply. At one point, we were very connected to one another, and we had a sense of simple understanding between us. In fact, when I would have an issue, or something would bother me, they would say, "I feel disconnected from you. What's wrong?" And as I am known to do, I would deny that anything was amiss. Obviously, I was lying, and this person had the ability to see right through me. I am feeling that again. It is almost as thought I can hear them in the back of my mind..."I feel disconnected from you. What's wrong?"
   But it isn't about that person any longer. That person and I don't exist in each other's world anymore. So where is the disconnect? As of late, I have been able to look at all areas of my life, and if one is going well, there is a disruption in another and on down the line. Since I feel as though I have fixed or feel somewhat comfortable with most areas of my life...where is the disconnect? It lies in the closest relationship I have: with myself.
   However, I don't feel like I have done the best job to keep that sugary-sweet smile working for me. I think the reality of the disconnect is leaking out. I think people can tell. Or, maybe, I am just tired of pretending. Is this unfixable? Hardly! Is it something I desire to fix? Absolutely.
   There is this moment when we see that something is broken we have two options: fix it or let it be. Throughout my life, I have used the "let it be" option too often, and it has come to kick me in the ass more often than not. So, in the last several months, I have tried to take the former option and deal with it/things. But, mainly with myself. The problem that I have run into is this: as much as I think I am good at communication, I suck! And more often than not, taking this later option of dealing with things head on has gotten me in places I didn't mean to be.
   How did it become so hard to mention an issue, only to be met with more backlash than we meant? The fact also stands...that we can't ever go back. Words are so powerful even those we tell ourselves. How easy it is to lie and say things are okay, even if we do it in the secret of our own mind. If we don't tell the truth, we get burned, but sometimes when we tell the truth, we also get burned. I guess we have to decide which is better: burning with truth or with lies.
   Back to the bad communication...I have noticed that when I or someone says something, the other person (myself included) automatically jumps to the conclusion they imagine the other person is saying. When, it is the most dangerous self-defense mechanism. In the last few weeks, I have realized how important it is to say something, or listen to someone, and be completely candid as possible, but taking the time to express or understand the true meaning, because sometimes the words we choose to explain what we mean or the words we hear aren't what is meant at all. We spend more time misconstruing a meaning of something than we actually do listening to the true meaning.
   And that, my friends, breaks things.

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