I call it "the attack of the bitch." I think science might call it the balancing out of testosterone and estrogen. Who knows. But what I do know is that it renders me helpless and emotionally vacant.
I have heard some women, while on their period, will have a high sex drive. I've heard some women, while on their period, get clingy and emotional. I get weird. I get unpredictable. I get mean.
To my own benefit, this "attack " usually only lasts one day. However, it is vicious and unrelenting. Last Friday, white boy and I went out with some dear friends. We had a great time...as always. I was on point. I was social and thoroughly enjoying myself. Just watching him play darts across the room, internally coveting his body next to mine knowing I was taking him home, had me excited. It was a great feeling. *one of my favorite parts of being married*
I woke Saturday, laid sleepily next to him just enjoying the quietness of the early morning. I felt blissful. Till he woke up a few hours later. Instantly, I felt trapped. I wanted nothing more than to jump out of my skin. I felt the burning weight of the ring on my left hand and I wanted it gone. The whole thing. The whole concept: marriage. Gone.
I scorned him well enough that he didn't follow me to Mass. I begged him, silently, to be gone from the house when I got home. Without words, I punished him for giving me the space I craved and needed. I wanted him to beg me to talk to him. I wanted, no, I needed him to grovel. He wasn't relenting. He sat there. Like a pillar of immovable strength, he sat there and did not give in to my antics.
As the night came, I became less desirous of any emotion but apathy. It was my dinner and I ate freely. He did his nightly routine and went to bed. It was 2 hours before I laid down next to him, and I stared, in the darkness, at his unrelenting body. And it came pouring out. "I don't know if I made the right decision to get married. I honestly don't think I am cut out for this. I do love you, but I feel...nothing. I didn't think I would feel so numb to you and us this quickly." Although spoken out loud, they fell on deaf ears. He slept, for the first time in our marriage, soundly... and I followed quickly after.
I was a little hesitant the next morning. Afraid I would still feel the same numbness that overtook me the day before, I set my mind to business. He came in after mowing the yard: sweaty and hot. I said no words. I simply walked up and kissed him. It was okay. I was okay. My attack, my balancing hormonal act, had calmed. In that moment, I fell once more in love with him.
How odd that night and this. As I lie here stroking his face as he sleeps I want nothing more than to be by his side till my lungs hold no more breath. He's mine and mine forever. I think we will adjust to the attack that is surely to come many more times and on many more occasions with no warning. I commend his strength and ability to calmly fight the me that is in battle mode. Dang it! I really like this guy!
I have heard some women, while on their period, will have a high sex drive. I've heard some women, while on their period, get clingy and emotional. I get weird. I get unpredictable. I get mean.
To my own benefit, this "attack " usually only lasts one day. However, it is vicious and unrelenting. Last Friday, white boy and I went out with some dear friends. We had a great time...as always. I was on point. I was social and thoroughly enjoying myself. Just watching him play darts across the room, internally coveting his body next to mine knowing I was taking him home, had me excited. It was a great feeling. *one of my favorite parts of being married*
I woke Saturday, laid sleepily next to him just enjoying the quietness of the early morning. I felt blissful. Till he woke up a few hours later. Instantly, I felt trapped. I wanted nothing more than to jump out of my skin. I felt the burning weight of the ring on my left hand and I wanted it gone. The whole thing. The whole concept: marriage. Gone.
I scorned him well enough that he didn't follow me to Mass. I begged him, silently, to be gone from the house when I got home. Without words, I punished him for giving me the space I craved and needed. I wanted him to beg me to talk to him. I wanted, no, I needed him to grovel. He wasn't relenting. He sat there. Like a pillar of immovable strength, he sat there and did not give in to my antics.
As the night came, I became less desirous of any emotion but apathy. It was my dinner and I ate freely. He did his nightly routine and went to bed. It was 2 hours before I laid down next to him, and I stared, in the darkness, at his unrelenting body. And it came pouring out. "I don't know if I made the right decision to get married. I honestly don't think I am cut out for this. I do love you, but I feel...nothing. I didn't think I would feel so numb to you and us this quickly." Although spoken out loud, they fell on deaf ears. He slept, for the first time in our marriage, soundly... and I followed quickly after.
I was a little hesitant the next morning. Afraid I would still feel the same numbness that overtook me the day before, I set my mind to business. He came in after mowing the yard: sweaty and hot. I said no words. I simply walked up and kissed him. It was okay. I was okay. My attack, my balancing hormonal act, had calmed. In that moment, I fell once more in love with him.
How odd that night and this. As I lie here stroking his face as he sleeps I want nothing more than to be by his side till my lungs hold no more breath. He's mine and mine forever. I think we will adjust to the attack that is surely to come many more times and on many more occasions with no warning. I commend his strength and ability to calmly fight the me that is in battle mode. Dang it! I really like this guy!
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