"Getting older's not been on my plans"

   It's amazingly how quick I regret things, and yet I can convince anyone with flowery words that regret is the least thing we should hold against ourselves. But in the end, regret has taught me a lot of life lessons.     I try often to not do things or say things that I will regret, either in the moment or later. However, I am not always on the top of my game. And so my opening line tends to be the way I handle regret. The way it happens is I act or react and instantaneously I have a deep sense of regret.    And probably like most people the only way I can get rid of this regret is with reassurance from someone (usually the one involved or else someone I trust) that regret is the last thing I need to be shouldering. The problem...is that I have a tendency to either not trust them or doubt myself so much I can't get rid of it.     This is what happened with the ex: I screwed up, regretted, asked for forgiveness, was granted such, told by anoth...

   I promise I am not using this title in response to the massive amount of brown people I hung out with this weekend. =) But I am very thankful for what a good and wonderful weekend I had. I have to admit that I am beyond exhausted. My eyes are droopy and my body is slowly shutting down from sheer exhaustion. Why? Because this past week has felt non-stop. And I am finally feeling it all.    As I get older I forget how easy it is to get into a routine and sit comfortably there. For a few weeks my schedule has felt all sorts of jacked up. I have seen less and less of my friends because of renewed work and new work obligations. I have been going a million miles an hour and before I look up the week has come and gone.     But this weekend, even though I didn't get the opportunity to spend it with dear friends as I would have liked (some I did), I was introduced into a whole new world. It isn't often I am reminded of how "white I am." Yes, I am an Americ...

I...just...need...sleep.

   Sometimes I think I am this person who just believes in pretty words. You know the ones that make you have flutters in your stomach and stars in your eyes. The words that cause lovers to jump overboard and fall madly and deeply in what they think is love. But then, most of the time, I wake up. I realize that those words are just words.     However, if I didn't believe in those pretty words then there would be no such thing as belief. I understand that words without actions are nothing...they are void. But I also understand that it takes a great deal to actually say those pretty words. I will admit that I have been a slave to words. Sometimes even believing that words are enough, but they aren't really. They aren't.     And the beauty of those words aren't in their speaking but in their fruition of action. I would venture to say that I am a Slytherin for a reason. I can manipulate to the point where I can get anyone to like me, perhaps even love me, but...

   I was speaking to a friend the other night about the act of crying in public. He mentioned that at one point he could not conceive of this particular thing, but as he has gotten older he has realized the act of being vulnerable and the healing powers it has for one's soul.     I admit that I still have this inability. There are very few in my life that see me cry...very few. It isn't that I am ashamed or scared to cry in front of others, I just don't allow myself (or haven't gotten) vulnerable enough to do this. The question that came up during this conversation was this: is it a shame or is it just not something done?    Shame...I can't see it as shameful. Shame is something you regret because you think it is wrong. I don't feel wrong because I don't cry in front of others, I just don't get there. I remember the ex asked me this very specific question, "So you don't feel comfortable crying in front of me?" My answer...no. And I didn...

    I miss the days when I could log onto the internet and read a well thought out or perhaps hilarious blog post written by a dear friend. It was usually the highlight of my day. Then I could respond in kind with a deep and meaningful post of my own and get a equally deep response from a friend. Without fail, the topic of said posts would be conversation pieces between the people I dedicated a lot of my time to.     I miss the days when what was said between my community of friends was worth reading and responding to. I am not saying that Facebook is not a place where friends can not have a conversation, but it is such a public forum that sentiment and heartfelt responses get lost. It is a place that people can misconstrue what is said. Did this happen on Xanga? Probably, but how often did you hear of someone getting bent up over a Xanga post.      I miss the days when friends who I smoked hookah with on Friday nights were the ones that would enter...

     I don't think that I have ever been told, "You can finally have what you want, but only for a short while." I find this to be very sad but almost a waste of the gift. Why would I knowingly accept something I want so much if it could only be taken from me at a moments notice?     This idea is very reminiscent of Tennyson's line from In Memoriam  "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I have at all moments believed this to be true, so maybe I am living this Tennyson moment. Perhaps I am just truly accepting what I have been given knowing I can't keep it.     I started dating a good man tonight. I have wanted to date this man for awhile, but tonight, I made the choice to keep him as mine for awhile. So what's the catch? There can be no forever with him. I know this, he knows this...but in the end, we can't stay away from each other. So is this smart? Is this really something that could benefit anyone? Honest...