I don't think that I have ever been told, "You can finally have what you want, but only for a short while." I find this to be very sad but almost a waste of the gift. Why would I knowingly accept something I want so much if it could only be taken from me at a moments notice?
This idea is very reminiscent of Tennyson's line from In Memoriam "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I have at all moments believed this to be true, so maybe I am living this Tennyson moment. Perhaps I am just truly accepting what I have been given knowing I can't keep it.
I started dating a good man tonight. I have wanted to date this man for awhile, but tonight, I made the choice to keep him as mine for awhile. So what's the catch? There can be no forever with him. I know this, he knows this...but in the end, we can't stay away from each other. So is this smart? Is this really something that could benefit anyone? Honestly, those aren't the questions I care about. The question I care most about is this: do I care?
I don't. I am uber aware of the reaction I may receive from some, but I am also aware of where my mind and heart are. I am also aware of the fact that one day, this man and I will walk away from each other and probably break each other's heart. It saddens me even now. It makes me think of when I first got my dog, Dutch. I brought him home at 7 weeks old, and at night, I would watch this adorable dog sleep curled up next to me, and I would cry. I cried for the one day that he would die and I would be Dutchless.
These two situations are similar. They are similar because Zain won't always be mine to have. "Aly we don't have forever with each other." And as I listened to those very real and true words come out of his mouth, into my ears, I knew they were true. I knew they were true, because they are lyrics in my heart's song as well. I knew them to be true because had he not said them, in the next breath, I would have.
Call me stupid; call me careless; call me reckless...I may be all of those things, but I am also highly sensitive to the fact that this gentleman is someone who was put in my life for a reason, and I plan to live each moment I have with him as though they maybe taken from me without my permission. The difference is that we have given the universe permission to take our fantastical "para siempre" and turn it into a "just for now."
This idea is very reminiscent of Tennyson's line from In Memoriam "'Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." I have at all moments believed this to be true, so maybe I am living this Tennyson moment. Perhaps I am just truly accepting what I have been given knowing I can't keep it.
I started dating a good man tonight. I have wanted to date this man for awhile, but tonight, I made the choice to keep him as mine for awhile. So what's the catch? There can be no forever with him. I know this, he knows this...but in the end, we can't stay away from each other. So is this smart? Is this really something that could benefit anyone? Honestly, those aren't the questions I care about. The question I care most about is this: do I care?
I don't. I am uber aware of the reaction I may receive from some, but I am also aware of where my mind and heart are. I am also aware of the fact that one day, this man and I will walk away from each other and probably break each other's heart. It saddens me even now. It makes me think of when I first got my dog, Dutch. I brought him home at 7 weeks old, and at night, I would watch this adorable dog sleep curled up next to me, and I would cry. I cried for the one day that he would die and I would be Dutchless.
These two situations are similar. They are similar because Zain won't always be mine to have. "Aly we don't have forever with each other." And as I listened to those very real and true words come out of his mouth, into my ears, I knew they were true. I knew they were true, because they are lyrics in my heart's song as well. I knew them to be true because had he not said them, in the next breath, I would have.
Call me stupid; call me careless; call me reckless...I may be all of those things, but I am also highly sensitive to the fact that this gentleman is someone who was put in my life for a reason, and I plan to live each moment I have with him as though they maybe taken from me without my permission. The difference is that we have given the universe permission to take our fantastical "para siempre" and turn it into a "just for now."
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