So, I could sit here and write that I am always one to make my own decisions...and that isn't far from the truth, but there are sometimes that I wish someone could make them for me. For example: I have always liked the idea of an arranged marriage. The thought of not having to work so hard to find someone to fall in love with and then hopefully not get your heat broken. It is all so exhausting. However, now, dating someone who is from the culture of the arranged marriage, I can now see the downfall. (Secretly...I am still fascinated with the whole idea.)
And even though I consider myself to dance or sway or get jiggy with the beat of my own drum, I still don't like making the tough decisions. Most of the time, I hold my phone with my mother's number flashing berating myself and trying oh so hard not to call her and have her make the decision for me.
Am I talking about something in general or specific? Not so much. However, I am speaking more in a general sense. I was driving home from dinner with Zain, and I had this moment of deciding whether or not I should feel one way or another about a decision I had made. Kinda meta if you ask me, anyway...as I was beginning to feel bummed and sad and mopey and self-wallowy I decided I would just grow the hell up and act like an adult.
The situation wasn't helped by my ex ex's favorite song that came on my playlist. "No Digas Nada" was a song that he showed me, and instantly brought up too many memories. I didn't skip it. I stopped that a long time ago. *Side note* I have gotten to the point with my brother and with Julian, that when I hear songs that they loved or listened to that remind me of them I will play the song and enjoy the memories. It took awhile for me to not skip a song, but I figured I needed to work through the pain. Now with the ex...I am still working on that. Good thing he liked electronica and I didn't listen to it much. *Side note over*
I guess what I am getting at is that even though, at 29, I am still tempted to ask someone or desire someone to make the hard decisions for me. I had an opportunity to apply for a job in Houston today (thanks to the person who told me) and even though the utopian idea flashed through my mind (boy does it look nice) I can't. It isn't about a boy, it isn't about family, it isn't about friends...it is about the fact that I am doing what I am doing here in Tulsa, and I couldn't be more happy than where God has me at this very moment.
I am so thankful for what he has put in my life, and to make this decision, even though it isn't something that is remotely feasible, wasn't easy. I mean...I had to make one. It wasn't too difficult, but still it took a moment for me to consciously say no. Sometimes, and even very recently, I have made some hard decisions that have changed things drastically for myself...some good and some not so good. But, I am learning that I am still the only one truly in control of my decision making process. What is so odd, and I think everyone can completely agree is that it is so easy for me to tell people to make their own decisions, and to encourage them to make the decision and stick with it. But to actually listen to myself...ugh! Sucks!
Who knows...maybe one day I will have a kid and be able to impart this nugget of wisdom on them: that of "make your own decisions and stick with them." (BTW...I am not a fan of fickle people.)
And even though I consider myself to dance or sway or get jiggy with the beat of my own drum, I still don't like making the tough decisions. Most of the time, I hold my phone with my mother's number flashing berating myself and trying oh so hard not to call her and have her make the decision for me.
Am I talking about something in general or specific? Not so much. However, I am speaking more in a general sense. I was driving home from dinner with Zain, and I had this moment of deciding whether or not I should feel one way or another about a decision I had made. Kinda meta if you ask me, anyway...as I was beginning to feel bummed and sad and mopey and self-wallowy I decided I would just grow the hell up and act like an adult.
The situation wasn't helped by my ex ex's favorite song that came on my playlist. "No Digas Nada" was a song that he showed me, and instantly brought up too many memories. I didn't skip it. I stopped that a long time ago. *Side note* I have gotten to the point with my brother and with Julian, that when I hear songs that they loved or listened to that remind me of them I will play the song and enjoy the memories. It took awhile for me to not skip a song, but I figured I needed to work through the pain. Now with the ex...I am still working on that. Good thing he liked electronica and I didn't listen to it much. *Side note over*
I guess what I am getting at is that even though, at 29, I am still tempted to ask someone or desire someone to make the hard decisions for me. I had an opportunity to apply for a job in Houston today (thanks to the person who told me) and even though the utopian idea flashed through my mind (boy does it look nice) I can't. It isn't about a boy, it isn't about family, it isn't about friends...it is about the fact that I am doing what I am doing here in Tulsa, and I couldn't be more happy than where God has me at this very moment.
I am so thankful for what he has put in my life, and to make this decision, even though it isn't something that is remotely feasible, wasn't easy. I mean...I had to make one. It wasn't too difficult, but still it took a moment for me to consciously say no. Sometimes, and even very recently, I have made some hard decisions that have changed things drastically for myself...some good and some not so good. But, I am learning that I am still the only one truly in control of my decision making process. What is so odd, and I think everyone can completely agree is that it is so easy for me to tell people to make their own decisions, and to encourage them to make the decision and stick with it. But to actually listen to myself...ugh! Sucks!
Who knows...maybe one day I will have a kid and be able to impart this nugget of wisdom on them: that of "make your own decisions and stick with them." (BTW...I am not a fan of fickle people.)
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