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A sense of obligation

     I have at some point been afflicted with a disturbing sense of obligation. At any given time, I have at least 4 or 5 things I feel obligated towards. Whether these are friends, work, projects, family, faith or a slew of many other things, this impending doomy sense is never abated. 
      And at some point I just have to stop. I have realized that the older I get, this certain sense of obligation toward somethings diminishes, but in others grows. Do I have examples? Of course. Will I explain them...ha! Do I want to be publically flogged? Not particularly. 
      But as of late, I have realized one particularly blaring sense of obligation that I have been carrying around: that towards my future relationship/relationships with men. What do I mean? I am beginning to realize that I have never been obligated to be a certain way toward someone of the opposite sex. However, I feel as though I have super glued myself to this obligatory way of saying and or doing things that make me have to regret or backtrack. 
      In a sense, I screw myself...royally too. If there is one thing my brother taught me, and he taught me many, it is that I am not defined by a man's words, actions, or response towards me. So why have I spent the last few years allowing them to dictate to me what I do and do not want--even if it is subtly and without their knowledge? 
      I have been fortunate to come in contact with some amazing men. Some of which I entered into a relationship with and others just good friendships. But, sometimes what I do is perpetuate a relationship when it should have been or needed to be just a friendship. Which in turn makes me feel like a complete idiot.
     I have always admired men. Why? Because at no point is there a grey area with them. Most men, and feel free to disagree, say what is on their mind even sometimes to the detriment of the other party involved. Even if they have strong feelings toward that other party.
     Take the ex for example... When we began to have issues, he told me, "Aly, I love you, but I can't give you what you deserve in this relationship." AKA...I like ya, but this ain't gonna work. 
     Now, perhaps he was a bit nicer than some dudes, and sadly it took a lot longer than it should for me to realize: "ohhh, gotcha. We're over. Right. Moving on." But I did. I just didn't want to recognize it sooner. So why is it so hard for me to be as forthcoming when it comes to my heart's desires?
     I believe that I want to be in a healthy and strong relationship especially with someone that shares my passions and desires. But I know that I am not now nor have I ever been in a position to settle for something that I could make comfortable. I don't want comfort from someone I have to work at to find a spark with. I want someone who sparks me. 
      I do believe that God, in his infinte mercy, has someone out there for me. I don't believe in a destined one person, but I do believe in a destined type of person. And I do believe that this impending sense of obligation needs to stop or I am going to make it all the way to China before I stop digging my own grave.

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