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Fear

   I believe that no matter how hard I try, I will always ruin a good thing. I believe that no matter how hard I try, I will never get past what I have failed at. But why? 
    Is it inevitable that when I get to the point that things are good or healthly, I will never get past the part of hope and love? Tonight was not good or bad just indifferent. So why do I feel that I am setting myself up for failure?
    I specifically rememeber when my ex and I were in a good and healthy place that I had a bad night, and it was the beginning of the end. Why? Because I could not reconcile the fact that at the end of the day I needed to turn in to myself and try to heal myself.
    Which means that I needed to listen to myself and I tried to heal myself with outside forces, but what I needed was personal introspection. But I didn't take it. Tonight, I found myself crying in front of someone that I never thought I would. What does this mean for me? Vulnerability? Perhaps. Or maybe just as the beginning of the end. God, I hope not. 
    I remember this particular feeling oh so long ago, I was not allowed to be a human, I was bound by the fact that I had presented myself as an impenetrable fortress, and I was breaking...and I broke. Tonight, I was experiencing the same thing. All I hope is that the person who saw me breaking allows me to break. Allows me to be human. 
    I believe when they say they will. I believe them when they say they want what is in my heart. But as I cried and held them tighter that they realized that I am only human. Hell, I am so human. 
    I know that only time will tell and that if it weren't for the fact that I decided to tell them what was in my heart that I would still be a brick wall. He told me that I mention the ex and the ex ex...so why do I do that? I think because I still tey to rectify what happened. I still try to come to terms with my past. For the past is still a part of me. I can't get over that. Ever. It has built me.
    I still find myself putting up walls to keep myself from getting hurt. I will always do that. Well, hopefully not forever. But for now...he has to accept and forgive. I do believe that I have so much to give, but I also have so much to learn.
    Babes...you are the one who gets to experience the ramifications of my past, and you are the one who has to at the end of the day accept me for who I am...bar none. I promise that I will be a bad example of what a good and healthy human being is, but I promise that I will try to express what is in my heart. I promise that you and I can work and get past the bad... to reach the good. 
    God has a plan. I firmly believe that. And even though I could chalk it up to hormones, I don't have to. I can feel like crap and I can relive the past if I can express that my intentions toward a healthy relationship are what I want and desire. 
    My ex and I ended up not working after a night where I didn't express what I felt, because I was only human. Please allow me to be human. That's all I ask. It isn't that I am female and I will sometimes act this way. It is that I am human, and I will sometimes act this way...maybe I just need sleep and some time for myself. Yes. Perhaps that is...here's to tomorrow a fresh start. 

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