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A sacred gift

    Tonight I was given a very saved gift: understanding. After last night's post, I have been feeling this agitated sense of dread. Like I am loving a double or half life. Most people, 99.9% of people in my life Jane no idea of the true inert turmoil I have in my mind and heart. 
    And who's fault is that? I am the only one to blame. I realized, more than a month ago, what would happen if I walked down a certain path I had the option of walking down. I also knew at what point my heart would break. So I walked gently. Or maybe I didn't because I knew the path was inevitable. 
     So what did I do? I hid. I hid my true feelings and desires and I tried so hard to suppress everything I felt to live up to a certain standard. And I was/am breaking inside. I have never felt so unfortunate in my walk thus far on this earth. 
     And the sad part, while I have been in hiding, I have tried to maintain another pretense of lifestyle. I am not ashamed of what I feel or think or believe, but as I mentioned last night I have a sense of obligation and it has bound me to what I believe I need to do or believe. 
     Tonight I was granted grace. I don't have to call this person out because they gave me life and raised me to be who I am today. This person hears the beat of my heart and recognizes it because it is their life anthem. And in their openness and brokenness they gave me understanding and a freedom to be who I am. 
     I truly think that I have never been given such an honorable gift! What is this concerning? My life and my future. But what does this all mean? I am afraid that until I speak to the other party involved that I can't truly explain what I feel or think. I wrote of the sense of obligation, well I feel like until I deal with the underlying situation and all parties involved are truly involved then I am still in limbo. 
      This sounds like a cluster f*** doesn't it? Well... to be honest it feels like one.
      All I know is that the gift of understand that I recieve tonight is the greatest gift I have received, and I feel blessed. Who knows what the future holds for me, but I am ready to see what is in store for me. Even if the other party involved is not in a place to reciprocate...I know that I am the one who is trying to live my life as honestly as possible. 

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