Skip to main content

A sacred gift

    Tonight I was given a very saved gift: understanding. After last night's post, I have been feeling this agitated sense of dread. Like I am loving a double or half life. Most people, 99.9% of people in my life Jane no idea of the true inert turmoil I have in my mind and heart. 
    And who's fault is that? I am the only one to blame. I realized, more than a month ago, what would happen if I walked down a certain path I had the option of walking down. I also knew at what point my heart would break. So I walked gently. Or maybe I didn't because I knew the path was inevitable. 
     So what did I do? I hid. I hid my true feelings and desires and I tried so hard to suppress everything I felt to live up to a certain standard. And I was/am breaking inside. I have never felt so unfortunate in my walk thus far on this earth. 
     And the sad part, while I have been in hiding, I have tried to maintain another pretense of lifestyle. I am not ashamed of what I feel or think or believe, but as I mentioned last night I have a sense of obligation and it has bound me to what I believe I need to do or believe. 
     Tonight I was granted grace. I don't have to call this person out because they gave me life and raised me to be who I am today. This person hears the beat of my heart and recognizes it because it is their life anthem. And in their openness and brokenness they gave me understanding and a freedom to be who I am. 
     I truly think that I have never been given such an honorable gift! What is this concerning? My life and my future. But what does this all mean? I am afraid that until I speak to the other party involved that I can't truly explain what I feel or think. I wrote of the sense of obligation, well I feel like until I deal with the underlying situation and all parties involved are truly involved then I am still in limbo. 
      This sounds like a cluster f*** doesn't it? Well... to be honest it feels like one.
      All I know is that the gift of understand that I recieve tonight is the greatest gift I have received, and I feel blessed. Who knows what the future holds for me, but I am ready to see what is in store for me. Even if the other party involved is not in a place to reciprocate...I know that I am the one who is trying to live my life as honestly as possible. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tiger must stay in your backpack...

   I'm not that parent. The one who gloats too much, and shows off all the pictures. The parent who relays every detail of their kid to let others know how incredible I think they are. Perhaps it is a flaw. Who knows. And I also pride myself in not being a helicopter parent. I teach and let go. I discipline and let go.    And I thought I would be ready for this: first day of Pre-K. I have been very positive and uplifting and have wanted my son to be extra ready to go to school. We have talked about it for months! I am ready... Or so I thought.  This morning, as white boy was leaving to take them to daycare, he said to Owen, "You can't take Tiger to school tomorrow or he will have to stay in your backpack, so do you want to take him to daycare today?" I thought little of it, but as Owen threw him down on the ground and turned to head out the door, my throat hitched. "Are you sure you don't want to take him today?" He said no. It was a sense of finality.  ...
Post a Comment
Read more

60 years ago is not the 1940s

  When you are born, you are lucky to get one day a year to celebrate just you. Well, you and all the others born on that day. When you become a mother or father, you get another day for just you. Sometimes those days come when you are not ready, and some come when you wish they wouldn't.   Today, 60 years ago, my mother was born. A date that means littler to most people I know than to her or me. As we age, and my mother is no different, our birthdays become just another cycle of the rising of the sun and a following of the moon. Nothing to make a big to do of.   My mother enjoys subtly. She can be dramatic but embraces the subtle acknowledgement of herself. She has ALWAYS placed herself second and counted the accolades of her children as if they were her own. That was one thing my mother NEVER lacked: humility. Which made me often sad she didn't get more than 2 days a year commemorating her.   Mom, I know I've come short. I know that I have openly and often faile...
Post a Comment
Read more

A goodbye love letter to you...

  I sat across from my dad at lunch, yesterday, and asked him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said, "Yeah. 1 year." And his eyes grew damp. "I'll never forget walking into that room..." He didn't continue. I didn't ask him to. "I'll never forget the police officer banging on my door at 1130 at night..." I didn't continue. He didn't ask me to.  "This journal was given to me several years ago by my children. I know they wanted me to write down my thoughts to get through the rough times I was going through at the time. I did not start this at that time. Why am I starting it now? Well, I only thought I had been through hell back then, but now I realize I didn't have any idea what heartache was until Aug 15, 2010 -"   This is the beginning of one of my mother's journals. A journal she started a little over a month after Andy died. And she wrote it--to him.  "Dear Mother - Today is the day before Mothe...
Post a Comment
Read more