"Getting older's not been on my plans"

 It was hard enough remembering my toast. The one I had prepared so diligently and thought and thought over to no end. It was something he and I had talked about a few times--the fact I would have one memorized and ready to publish and his would be winged from the top of his head. But, with a rough start I did remember. And my tribute, of course, mentioned my brother. How could it not?   See, I never wanted to be with anyone who didn't know my brother. I wanted him to continue to be alive and well within the hearts of me and my beloved. I talked, often, about Andy. I referenced my brother in random conversations he and I would hold...especially since there were many things about him that reminded me of Andy. I told him so. He didn't flinch.   It was rough not having him there to dance with me; it was rough not having him there wish me well; it was just rough. Not any less beautiful, but rough none-the-less. It wasn't that I felt him there, as many people say, ...

  I have been side by side with friends who have experienced this sense of nothingness. I have calmed fears and wiped away tears. I have been there when hope seemed so far away. But, never had I felt that sense of emptiness. Until now...   From the moment I knew what sex was, I was convinced I would get pregnant the moment I engaged in sexual relations. I knew I would never be able to get away with casual sex because sitting my parents down and telling them me and the man I was seeing were expecting a child...out of wedlock. That fear was mine. Granted, I kept myself for reasons other than this, but this certainly was entertained more than not.   So, strange for me, when I consummated my marriage that I came up barren. Nothing. There was no child to speak of. I was without. Eh. It was a fleeting thought of let down after many endless talks of "I could quite possibly be pregnant this time next month." Month after month... Nothing.   Two months back, I sat on the co...

  It's a day that our nation will never forget. I will forever remember this day, as a junior in high school, feeling a deep sense of tragedy I couldn't quite grasp. Prayers to those families that still mourn the horrific images of loved ones falling from buildings and running from terror.   But this day holds something more beautiful for me. 2 years ago, I asked white boy to be my boyfriend. Sounds silly now, but that question held my entire future. Just a little over a month prior, when I told him we were over, I knew he wouldn't leave me be. I knew I had some serious soul searching to do...because when I looked around every corner, his face would be right there subtly begging me to be his.   The day I asked him, I knew one thing: I had gone all in. Almost a year before he dropped to one knee, I had given him my everything. I wasn't sure how I felt about him. In fact, tonight as we reminisced, I wasn't sure how I felt about him when he dropped to that knee. I on...

  I call it "the attack of the bitch." I think science might call it the balancing out of testosterone and estrogen. Who knows. But what I do know is that it renders me helpless and emotionally vacant.   I have heard some women, while on their period, will have a high sex drive. I've heard some women, while on their period, get clingy and emotional. I get weird. I get unpredictable. I get mean.   To my own benefit, this "attack " usually only lasts one day. However, it is vicious and unrelenting. Last Friday, white boy and I went out with some dear friends. We had a great time...as always. I was on point. I was social and thoroughly enjoying myself. Just watching him play darts across the room, internally coveting his body next to mine knowing I was taking him home, had me excited. It was a great feeling. *one of my favorite parts of being married*   I woke Saturday, laid sleepily next to him just enjoying the quietness of the early morning. I felt blissful. ...

  For 3 years, I have been tracking my monthly cycle. I started because I was never quite sure when it would start. Granted, I am almost to the hour regular but couldn't ever calculate 28 days. So, for 3 years I have seen the balance of my body. And in a sense, I am blessed. I have friends who go months sometimes even longer without their period and the uneasy feeling that must come with that...I have never had to endure that particular unease.   Also, I have never taken birth control. Not just because I am staunch Catholic, I wasn't always, but because I heard it said best, "Birth control is the only medicine on the market that is to keep your body from working correctly." This post is not about other people and what they think about birth control. This is not about others using birth control. This is about me and me alone. I don't hold others up to any standard except that of which they are on. If not Catholic, then not to the Catholic standard. etc...   Whe...

  Every story, whether great or small, has 3 main parts: a beginning, a middle, and an end. And peppered throughout that story is conflict and resolution. Each character in the story is his own main actor. And in every story, a representation of thousands of stories are woven into someone's single larger story. My own personal story has been twisting and turning for a long time, and just 9 days ago encountered the largest plot twist to its main storyline. I got married.   I made a commitment to a man. To another human being, I pledged my never-ending love, honour, and support. I changed a concrete part of my identity. Those who know me, know that this step is one that was perhaps never coming. It never crossed my mind as an indelible decision to marry another person.    I don't have to go into the very nature of the man I married. If that has not been irrevocably clear the last 2 years, I have failed. But none-the-less, I am now a wife, and with that comes many m...

  Ding dong the bells are gonna chime! Pull out the stoppa! Let's have a whoppa...but get me to the church on time! I love this song from "My Fair Lady." I don't think I understood it quite as I do now. However, the difference is that my priest told me no booze. :-/ so... I'll save that for the 'morrow.   I remember just yesterday I was freaked that I had just became a fiancé. Tomorrow, I become a wife! :-O And at the moment, all I can think about is taking a nap! I am so tired and so hyped up; I am not quite sure if sleep or insomnia will win out.   I keep thinking about my state of mind when I began this blog. I had just gotten out of a relationship, and was leaving for a much needed vacation from mind, body, and soul restlessness. And tomorrow, oddly enough, all of my past failed relationship issues will cease to matter. Granted, they haven't mattered for a long while, but especially when I walk down that isle, take his hand, promise to love him forev...