"Getting older's not been on my plans"

   I just want to be loved and to love in return. It is the story in all of us. It has to be. But, when do we decide who gets that love? I am amazed at how easy it is to find the "love" we think we want...whether it be in an infatuation, or someone telling me I am what they want. That isn't the point at all. The point? Then? Who deserves that love.     I set out on this journey of: "Whatever it costs" to see if I could sustain a sense of abandonment or a sense of enlightenment. What I have discovered about myself is this: I am a woman on a journey. I am a woman on a journey who is not sure where the twists and turns will lead, but prays they lead to the deeper romance she desires.     Today, I was asked this, "What brings you to fulfillment?" I couldn't answer. Then I was asked this, "What brings you to pleasure." That is a much easier question to answer, because the answer is this: men desiring me. How simple...and yet how unfulfilling...

   I believe that she wanted more than anything to prove how smart she was. A ridiculous notion that I will never understand, but she did it anyway. When a woman is married to a smart man, she begins to believe one of two things: that she is his equal, or she will never compare. For 38 years, perhaps she believed she was the latter...today, she proved the former.    My mother, at the age of 59, walked across the stage as a college graduate. But what benefit was it? For the worlds! I never thought my mother to be an overly intelligent person. I never thought her dumb, but I thought her more like me...someone who was smart in certain areas not overall. And, this may still be the truth, but it doesn't negate the fact that I watched this woman, with head head held high and diploma in hand prove to the world that sometimes we underestimate ourselves and others.    My mother is the first in her immediate family to graduate with a bachelor's degree. She also is ...

  I try, and usually succeed, in being the person who doesn't lay blame where it isn't due, or the kind of person that lays judgment. The former I am learning to not do, and the latter I just hate...so I don't find it beneficial for anyone. As of late, I have noticed that it is almost just easier to keep my trap shut in all areas, and that there is a fine line between saying something constructive and saying something judgmental.   How do I determine what is what? Very carefully! What I have realized about myself, and perhaps this should be true, is that I get more angry at those who profess a "faith" and spout derogatory muck than those who do it who don't profess anything. Now, whether the one who doesn't talk religion considers themselves a religious person if they don't mention it and continue to spout dirt...I don't care as much. I consider it a lack in personal respect. But, if one professes, and turns around and spits dirt all over th...

   I was watching a movie yesterday, and the main character, while trying to decide to doing something he felt questionable about said this, "Guilt before we act is called morality." It kind of stuck with me. As a Christian, I have heard ample things on morals and ethics, but sometimes I forget just what those are. He brought up a good point.    I think that the words: morals and ethics get interchanged quite often. And, I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing. I just think we need to look at them a bit separately. I have a friend and my brother would always tell him, "X, you have great ethics, but your morals are lacking." If I had to venture a guess, I could say that ethics are the "rules" or standards of which we base our actions. I think also that they reside outside of ourselves.    When I think about ethics, I think of my faith. I think of the reason I do and don't do things and I equate them with my "Christianity." I do thi...

   It is no competition between kids on how they honor their mother best. It is the end result that we honor them. Lately, I have been trying to keep myself from saying, "I am lucky" when I know I should be saying, "I am blessed." So, I am blessed because I have a blessing: my mother.   When it comes to my mom, my words couldn't guild enough. My words are bleak and grey and completely inadequate. It isn't that they aren't flowery or euphoric to hear, it is that they aren't enough. Let me tell you about my mom...    My mother married at the age of 20. He was 29. She had her first child, my brother, when she was 24. She had her second child, me, at the age of almost 30. Her husband wasn't the one she always dreamed about in her fantasy life as a young girl. In fact, as much as I love my father, he wasn't the best model of a husband. But, he loved her...and she him. (This is about her btw. ;-)     For the next 29 years, my mother rais...

There is a button on the top of my blog, in the edit mode, labeled revert to draft. And, on occasion, I have used this button. On the few occasions that I have hit id, taking a published blog and rendering it invisible to only myself, I have only done so when I felt a tinge of guilt. Not too long ago, I was confronted with a post that I felt strongly about, but I realized that I wrote it in a buzzed state, and I wasn’t in the best of mental state. And, this week I have just a few times wished I could take my life and revert it back to draft. The problem is that the world has seen me. I have been open and honest and full of candidness with the last few weeks of my life, and I can’t. I can’t revert. Because what would it benefit me? Nothing. It is the whole idea of, “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world and lose your soul?” If I decide to gain by losing my true self, then I lose everything. I knew that I would have moments of regret. I knew. How could I not? I...

   I consider myself a very active person. I move from one event to the next with out blinking, just taking what comes and experiencing. I remember the first time I walked away from him, I was sitting in the living room, at 6 in the morning, looking at my father as though I couldn't see 3 inches in front of my face. His comment to me, "Why do you keep running?" I didn't realize then, but now, I realize that I had come to create a smaller story for myself that wasn't the true "story" God had intended.    What I have been reading is this: that we are all part of the "grander" story with God in the center. What keeps me running so much is the fact that I had abandoned what drew me into the Catholic Church, the idea of community. I searched and searched for it outside of where it is truly found: in the Church. As I have tried to manage my own self for so long, I have tried so desperately to control all areas and all aspects of my life, when all I ...

  My brother had me memorize a poem for competition in high school. The title: The Hound of Heaven by Francis Thompson. It is a 5 page, 12 point font poem that is not just meaty but at times really hard to understand. I remember reciting over and over the lines, and page after page, I would say these words, not truly grasping the meaning of the noise coming out of my mouth.   However, as I got older, I came to understand what Francis Thompson was saying. And now, I finally actually comprehend his words. "The Hound of Heaven" as Francis explains is this thunderous being that chases after the one who can be considered "everyman." And, whilst "everyman" runs and does all he can to hide himself from this "Hound," the purpose of this poem is to explain this: that no matter the hiding place, or quick the pace he can't hide. We can't hide.   The opening lines, "I fled Him, down the nights and down the days;/ I fled Him down the arches of ...

   There's a small thin line between can't and won't. One may say, "I can't run a 5k." And, another may say, "I won't run a 5k." I do believe that without proper context that line gets glass thin.     Here is one thing I won't do again: put myself in a situation to be duped. Again. I consider myself to be a pretty strong person, but I do have moments, when my heart breaks that my strength seeps away. Then I feel as weak as an infant.     I sometimes wonder what it is the majority of people ask of each other. I would venture to say that it would be love and acceptance. It is so easy to look around and see such a lack of this in our world. But, when we bring our world down to those we are close and intimate with, the question is the same: will you love me; will you accept me?     And since we do, on such a daily basis seek out those who can answer this question in the way we desire, we have to see if that thin line exists. Their answer can e...