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Revert to draft

There is a button on the top of my blog, in the edit mode, labeled revert to draft. And, on occasion, I have used this button. On the few occasions that I have hit id, taking a published blog and rendering it invisible to only myself, I have only done so when I felt a tinge of guilt. Not too long ago, I was confronted with a post that I felt strongly about, but I realized that I wrote it in a buzzed state, and I wasn’t in the best of mental state.
And, this week I have just a few times wished I could take my life and revert it back to draft. The problem is that the world has seen me. I have been open and honest and full of candidness with the last few weeks of my life, and I can’t. I can’t revert. Because what would it benefit me? Nothing. It is the whole idea of, “What good is it for someone to gain the whole world and lose your soul?” If I decide to gain by losing my true self, then I lose everything.
I knew that I would have moments of regret. I knew. How could I not? Is it not like going through the stages of grief? Yes. Of course. A few posts back I wrote of when we go through something that we lose, whether it be instantly or after a long time of knowing something is going to be lost, we have to go through the stages of mourning. But, we have to come to the end of acceptance. Sometimes it is so hard and we get stuck on the ideas of bargaining or anger. The anger I have noticed is hard to get rid of.
On the way up here to Kansas City, my mom asked me, “What is your favorite song of all time?” It took me a moment as my mind went through the list of all the songs I have known through the years, but in an instant Todd Agnew’s song “If I Could Sit With You A while.” And, I knew this song was meant for me then, at those time that I needed some comfort, and now when I need the reassurance that I don’t have to hold my self.
If I could just sit with You a while, if You could just hold me.
Nothing could touch me though I’m wounded, though I die.
If I could just sit with You a while, I need You to hold me
Moment by moment, ‘till forever passes by.

 It is songs like this that tell me that reverting to draft would be just a means to slap myself in the face. The steps I have made this week have given me the proof that I am worth the pain and end joy that comes with keeping my life published.

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