Skip to main content

And now?

   I consider myself a very active person. I move from one event to the next with out blinking, just taking what comes and experiencing. I remember the first time I walked away from him, I was sitting in the living room, at 6 in the morning, looking at my father as though I couldn't see 3 inches in front of my face. His comment to me, "Why do you keep running?" I didn't realize then, but now, I realize that I had come to create a smaller story for myself that wasn't the true "story" God had intended.
   What I have been reading is this: that we are all part of the "grander" story with God in the center. What keeps me running so much is the fact that I had abandoned what drew me into the Catholic Church, the idea of community. I searched and searched for it outside of where it is truly found: in the Church. As I have tried to manage my own self for so long, I have tried so desperately to control all areas and all aspects of my life, when all I end up doing is losing all sense of control.
   So, for the last few days, as I contemplate what I have done, and how bruised I feel and perhaps how blah I am, I realize that my control has been ripped from me. He sat there and told me, "It sounds like you are trying to control something you can't." It was the first time I said, in all honesty, "That just isn't the truth." I have never felt so out of control. My meeting with my Lover told me otherwise.
   Was it right to allow myself this much hurt? Of course! I have no regrets in doing what I have done, my only regret is that I didn't do this 2 years, 4 years, 8 years ago. I have been nothing but my own master, and it has drowned all visages of my personal self, and who I truly am. I do belong to someone. But, I belong to someone who is in the center of the Universe, and the fact that he wants to dance with me and love me and be with me is all I have ever needed or wanted, I just like "everyman" in Thompson's poem sought it in every place that it wasn't.
    So, what now? I don't know. I don't even care to know. I have ground out the idea that I need to be something and be someone. I have stopped trying. I have stopped looking for whatever I feel is going to give me some sort of answer. I figure this: it will come when it comes. He will show me what is necessary when he wants, and it is my job to just wait. So...I wait and wait and wait. And there is a fear that the next weeks, months, or even years will be spent in waiting. Growing and waiting. And that sounds so freeing.

Comments

  1. Obe's CornerMay 7, 2015 at 1:03 PM

    This.... I enjoyed this.
    I will become a regular.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (Aly)sseMay 7, 2015 at 1:50 PM

    You are welcome anytime, Ob! And that compliment is worthy of remembering!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tiger must stay in your backpack...

   I'm not that parent. The one who gloats too much, and shows off all the pictures. The parent who relays every detail of their kid to let others know how incredible I think they are. Perhaps it is a flaw. Who knows. And I also pride myself in not being a helicopter parent. I teach and let go. I discipline and let go.    And I thought I would be ready for this: first day of Pre-K. I have been very positive and uplifting and have wanted my son to be extra ready to go to school. We have talked about it for months! I am ready... Or so I thought.  This morning, as white boy was leaving to take them to daycare, he said to Owen, "You can't take Tiger to school tomorrow or he will have to stay in your backpack, so do you want to take him to daycare today?" I thought little of it, but as Owen threw him down on the ground and turned to head out the door, my throat hitched. "Are you sure you don't want to take him today?" He said no. It was a sense of finality.  ...
Post a Comment
Read more

60 years ago is not the 1940s

  When you are born, you are lucky to get one day a year to celebrate just you. Well, you and all the others born on that day. When you become a mother or father, you get another day for just you. Sometimes those days come when you are not ready, and some come when you wish they wouldn't.   Today, 60 years ago, my mother was born. A date that means littler to most people I know than to her or me. As we age, and my mother is no different, our birthdays become just another cycle of the rising of the sun and a following of the moon. Nothing to make a big to do of.   My mother enjoys subtly. She can be dramatic but embraces the subtle acknowledgement of herself. She has ALWAYS placed herself second and counted the accolades of her children as if they were her own. That was one thing my mother NEVER lacked: humility. Which made me often sad she didn't get more than 2 days a year commemorating her.   Mom, I know I've come short. I know that I have openly and often faile...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Sacred Requiem

  He handed me the hymnal and asked me if I was ready...if I could do this. To be honest, I had no idea what I was doing. I had never planned a funeral, and even if I had imagined planning one it sure wasn't this early in life and it sure wasn't for my only brother, my only sibling. At 25, I felt like a little child getting left behind in a sea of strangers. I was terrified.   2 days prior, my heart stopped beating. 2 short days before this, my peaceful world collided with the dark. And now I had to prepare for the world to say goodbye to greatness. The tree fell in the woods and the world shook with its sudden end. And we, as the collective, needed to imagine that very tree as the beautiful piece of woodwork it now was and bow to it's new exulted shape.   I wasn't sure how to plan a requiem. But, it had been placed in my hands and I wanted to give him the best I could. He deserved it. He deserved life...to live...to breathe still and chase every dream he thought into...
Post a Comment
Read more