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And now?

   I consider myself a very active person. I move from one event to the next with out blinking, just taking what comes and experiencing. I remember the first time I walked away from him, I was sitting in the living room, at 6 in the morning, looking at my father as though I couldn't see 3 inches in front of my face. His comment to me, "Why do you keep running?" I didn't realize then, but now, I realize that I had come to create a smaller story for myself that wasn't the true "story" God had intended.
   What I have been reading is this: that we are all part of the "grander" story with God in the center. What keeps me running so much is the fact that I had abandoned what drew me into the Catholic Church, the idea of community. I searched and searched for it outside of where it is truly found: in the Church. As I have tried to manage my own self for so long, I have tried so desperately to control all areas and all aspects of my life, when all I end up doing is losing all sense of control.
   So, for the last few days, as I contemplate what I have done, and how bruised I feel and perhaps how blah I am, I realize that my control has been ripped from me. He sat there and told me, "It sounds like you are trying to control something you can't." It was the first time I said, in all honesty, "That just isn't the truth." I have never felt so out of control. My meeting with my Lover told me otherwise.
   Was it right to allow myself this much hurt? Of course! I have no regrets in doing what I have done, my only regret is that I didn't do this 2 years, 4 years, 8 years ago. I have been nothing but my own master, and it has drowned all visages of my personal self, and who I truly am. I do belong to someone. But, I belong to someone who is in the center of the Universe, and the fact that he wants to dance with me and love me and be with me is all I have ever needed or wanted, I just like "everyman" in Thompson's poem sought it in every place that it wasn't.
    So, what now? I don't know. I don't even care to know. I have ground out the idea that I need to be something and be someone. I have stopped trying. I have stopped looking for whatever I feel is going to give me some sort of answer. I figure this: it will come when it comes. He will show me what is necessary when he wants, and it is my job to just wait. So...I wait and wait and wait. And there is a fear that the next weeks, months, or even years will be spent in waiting. Growing and waiting. And that sounds so freeing.

Comments

  1. Obe's CornerMay 7, 2015 at 1:03 PM

    This.... I enjoyed this.
    I will become a regular.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (Aly)sseMay 7, 2015 at 1:50 PM

    You are welcome anytime, Ob! And that compliment is worthy of remembering!

    ReplyDelete

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