Skip to main content

And now?

   I consider myself a very active person. I move from one event to the next with out blinking, just taking what comes and experiencing. I remember the first time I walked away from him, I was sitting in the living room, at 6 in the morning, looking at my father as though I couldn't see 3 inches in front of my face. His comment to me, "Why do you keep running?" I didn't realize then, but now, I realize that I had come to create a smaller story for myself that wasn't the true "story" God had intended.
   What I have been reading is this: that we are all part of the "grander" story with God in the center. What keeps me running so much is the fact that I had abandoned what drew me into the Catholic Church, the idea of community. I searched and searched for it outside of where it is truly found: in the Church. As I have tried to manage my own self for so long, I have tried so desperately to control all areas and all aspects of my life, when all I end up doing is losing all sense of control.
   So, for the last few days, as I contemplate what I have done, and how bruised I feel and perhaps how blah I am, I realize that my control has been ripped from me. He sat there and told me, "It sounds like you are trying to control something you can't." It was the first time I said, in all honesty, "That just isn't the truth." I have never felt so out of control. My meeting with my Lover told me otherwise.
   Was it right to allow myself this much hurt? Of course! I have no regrets in doing what I have done, my only regret is that I didn't do this 2 years, 4 years, 8 years ago. I have been nothing but my own master, and it has drowned all visages of my personal self, and who I truly am. I do belong to someone. But, I belong to someone who is in the center of the Universe, and the fact that he wants to dance with me and love me and be with me is all I have ever needed or wanted, I just like "everyman" in Thompson's poem sought it in every place that it wasn't.
    So, what now? I don't know. I don't even care to know. I have ground out the idea that I need to be something and be someone. I have stopped trying. I have stopped looking for whatever I feel is going to give me some sort of answer. I figure this: it will come when it comes. He will show me what is necessary when he wants, and it is my job to just wait. So...I wait and wait and wait. And there is a fear that the next weeks, months, or even years will be spent in waiting. Growing and waiting. And that sounds so freeing.

Comments

  1. Obe's CornerMay 7, 2015 at 1:03 PM

    This.... I enjoyed this.
    I will become a regular.

    ReplyDelete
  2. (Aly)sseMay 7, 2015 at 1:50 PM

    You are welcome anytime, Ob! And that compliment is worthy of remembering!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The sun will come out...when?

   I could have really used the sun today. You know that feeling between being in an okay mood and being in a not so okay mood? Well, I am there. And, I know for a fact that the sun would have pushed me to the side of okay...or maybe even taken me to great. No sun today. Just grey, blah weather. I hate it! It makes me doubt things. It makes me create things in my mind. It makes me think of the demeantors breeding bad juju.    I need the sun. Today has been more of a blah day than I have experienced in a long while. The weather isn't just hazy, I have become haze. The weather isn't just dank. I have become dank. The weather isn't just cold. I have become cold. So much so that the phone I answer at work would better serve me if thrown through the window in front of me. So much so that the cell phone I keep in touch with my friends would better serve me if broken.     SAD: seasonal affective disorder. I think most people know what this is...
Post a Comment
Read more

Used to but not anymore

       I used to have this friend. It was a friendship that was uncomplicated and never required a lot of personal struggle. I never felt uncomfortable or as though I had to compromise myself. It was a friendship of true honesty and sincerity, and I miss it.         Oddly enough, I have these moments that I imagine my entire life ending. Just stopping. And as I ponder on where I am and who I am around and who would be affected, I think of this friend. Probably because they aren't around anymore. I think that perhaps they aren't around to help me cope with the things I encounter on a daily basis. Odd, you say? Eh, if you knew them, you wouldn't think so.         I honestly can't remember the first time I met this person. I was very young, and never imagined that we would grow as close as we did. It was perhaps a friendship forged in similar tastes and loves. We loved to banter about religion and philosophy and litera...
2 comments
Read more

What is love? Baby, I'm hurting...I'm hurting...🎶🎶

  Early last week was bad for white boy. He was injured and is probably left with a broken foot. Now, he hasn't been to the doctor and continues to walk and work and do all the things. He continues to also piss me off because he hasn't gone. Granted, I tend to be stubborn too, but if that would have happened to me and my foot looked like that, I would have been at the doctor's office first thing in the morning.   Having said that, that is all I can think about in the back of my mind. How much he is in pain and how much it sucks. I can't fix it, but I can get irritated and semi-yell at him for not going to have it checked out. Guess that's how I cope. I love him, but damn is it frustrating.   Sometimes I wonder how people show love. Sometimes I wonder if people show love in grandiose ways or if the subtlety of love is what is true love. Sure, I mean when he proposed that was a good indicator that he loves me. When I said yes is also a good indicator that I love him...
Post a Comment
Read more