A little retrospection

  A little new year retrospection never hurt anyone. If anything, it allows us to breathe in the goodness and pain we were given and endured so that perhaps we can gain more and curb the rest.

January 2, 2015
  The untried year... I have a sinking suspicion that this year is going to be better and harder than the last. Why? because growing pains hurt. The stretching and aching of ourselves to new things and new ways hurts. The bending and contorting of our souls and hearts to allow others in and let some go hurt. The graciousness that sometimes we lack, in being who we are because we know that to truly be ourselves is our defining glory, hurts. I think this year, this untried year, is going to be epic.

January 30, 2015
  On Sunday, I was contacted by a former and in one moment, as I read this message, I felt a complete sense of indifference. It wasn't until a few days later when I received a message from another former that I saw a shape. A circle...I don't even carry expectation or desire. I see a plain enclosed circle. For we have come full circle, he and I once again. Friends once...friends again. I feel blessed.

February 8, 2015
  My parent's greatest gift to me, after giving me life and love, was the gift of my brother. And, although today we celebrate his birthday, I can't help but celebrate love. The love I received from him was so unwarranted but never given with anything less than his everything.
    As I sat there in my silence, I couldn't seem to find anything to say. But, it was a comfortable and completely adequate silence. It was us...meeting in the place we laid his body. We promised to meet tonight at home, tomorrow at work, and every day and every where til we hold each other again.
              "Happy birthday, beloved."

February 13, 2015

  This is it. This post is the end. I am moving on. I will no longer allow Zain to be the reason I am in pain. I am planning soon to make another grand gesture that could render me completely vulnerable and a bit scared. I did it once before, but this time I am not as young or weak as I once was. I ask for your prayers.

March 8, 2015
  Who knows...I think I know, but at the end of the day: when it comes to me and him I have a comfortable gray future. But, I am not worried. I am encouraged. Because if we had this world all figured out with no mystery then what good or fun would there be? Because in the discovery of the mysterious we find excitement. To date him is to kiss him anytime I want... want... desire... patience... mystery.

April 21, 2015
  When I have had a bit too much, when I think,  "I would like someone who tells me what he told me: you are beautiful." Or, maybe I would like someone who tells me I want to be with you. I have learned that the reassurances that come with commitment are comforting.
    But, lately I have had to reassure myself. And, it is hard. There is something almost magical that I miss when I think about what I had and where I am now. But, I must say that I am happy. I have no complaints. I am good. My brother always told me that I was enough and that I was beautiful. So, when I heard that from someone who wasn't him, I clung tight...I still do believe that I like that. I still might believe I deserve that. But, who is to say.

May 4, 2015

  This weekend I walked away from a good friend who my heart fell in love with. I walked because my Lover asked me to. I stood before my mirror, staring into my own eyes, tears running down my face, and the words, "whatever it costs" whispered over and over. About a week ago, as I drove to work, I tried physically to utter the prayer of surrender, but I couldn't. Looking at myself in the mirror, I finally did.

June 5, 2015

  This past weekend, I was thrust into an almost deja vu moment. I was sitting in the pew of a beautiful church in the hot desert heat of West Texas watching a very dear friend make a solemn promise. However, this time...he was transitioning from deacon to priest. At 26, Ryan Rojo was laid prostrate either mentally berating himself, thoughtfully contemplating, soulfully pleading, or heartfelt praying just waiting for the moment when the Holy Spirit would descend upon him.

June 14, 2015

  When he told me, "You might date me later." My thoughts were, "Yes, but you aren't darker than me. Yes, but you aren't college educated. Yes, but you aren't Catholic." And, as I held his hands...hands that carry responsibility and fight and honesty and care and loyalty and other things that aren't on my list but make him a good man, my list started to erase itself. So, what does my list consist of now? Erased pencil marks. Except it is as though it has been erased with a cheap pencil so what was there is still visible, just smeared and holding on with eraser marks around my lines. The choice is now this: get a better eraser, or rewrite my previous list--this time in ink.

July 10, 2015

    One year ago: I sat in a nice hotel, alone, waiting on the pizza I ordered 45 minutes prior, drinking a bottle of wine, trying to make up my mind on a title for my blog. I had recently set out on a month long trip to see friends and family with a heart that was trying to mend, still finding itself in love with the man who told me he loved me but couldn't...

  Tonight: I stood amongst my closest friends, enjoying laughter of intimacy knowing that all I wanted for my 30th birthday was all of us together. That simple. And, I got it. My heart, full of joy, was overwhelmed and mended.

July 27, 2015

  "Are you happy being my girlfriend?" He asks. In all seriousness. In all honesty. He asks. Never once have I been asked such a damned difficult question. Never once have I been asked that slightly simple question. Never once have I been asked THAT question...So, when he asked if I was happy being his girlfriend, all I could do was whisper: "I don't know." ... 

  All I know, is that everyday I wake up liking him more and more. All I know, is that everyday I have no fear he is leaving. All I know, is that I am eager with a little anxiousness thrown in to see where this goes. All I know, is that my "I don't know" will probably soon be a "hell yes!"

August 7, 2015

   I spent a scary yet definitive moment, sitting on his couch, pouring out my soul. It was accepted, embraced and given the opportunity to breathe. It was given the opportunity to find happiness. I do believe that I am on the road to happiness. I may not know, at this moment, what that means, but I do believe I am getting closer. Closer to happiness and closer to being able to be comfortable without fear. I am only human and all I want is to love and be loved in return.

August 10, 2015

  I felt a tinge of happiness today. Unexpectedly. But that's how it usually comes; isn't it?

August 15, 2015

  Tonight, after 5 years of his death, I got to hang out with my friends. I got to be with the people who held my heart and soul above water. And that has made all the difference. I am so blessed. I am blessed beyond measure.

  I am more than ready for anything that may comes my way...come on life. Prove to me that you can break me. Because when the one who I loved most is gone, nothing else can break me. I dare you to try. Life...bring me joy. I am ready.

September 2, 2015

  If you can say that you haven't sat in front of someone who cares deeply for you and with a straight face tell them you haven't consciously disregarded them as a human being for your own self-interest, you are a better person than me. It is a despicable thing, and I did it. In that moment of disregard, I carried no remorse.

  I am not deserving of his heart, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving of his time, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving of his concern, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving, but he thinks I am. And that makes me believe that perhaps I might be. Thank you white boy. For you. Thank you.

September 30, 3015

  I don't know much in life. I don't quite have my future locked down. But I do know one thing: being wrapped up in him with my frozen heart coming back to life has been a more of a blessing that he may ever know. Because as painful as it is to have your arm fall asleep or your body freezing cold, the tinglies that bring you back to normalcy is a wonderful feeling.

October 16, 2015

  You should have seen his face as he approached the canyon. It was endearing. It was as a 3 year old who has chocolate for the first time. It was as a 6 year old who catches a fish for the first time. The light in his eyes was something I won't ever forget. And he climbed. On everything he could. The rocks, the trees, the small cliffs were no match for him, and I just watched.

  Until he grabbed my hand and took me to a secluded spot. Until he snaked his arms around me. Until he asked me if I thought the canyon was beautiful. Until he told me he wanted me to know something. Until he told me he loved me. I watched.

November 5, 2015

  My first love note:   I am sitting here thinking about you and how much I love you, and how much you mean to me. Here is something for you...

December 2, 2015

  I have been trying to reevaluate that concept. And when I think of white boy I think of someone who, at the drop of a split second, would chase the moon to place it in the palm of my hand. When I am not with him, I want to be. When I have some good news, I want to tell him. When I am sad, I want to be in his arms. He makes me laugh. He listens and gently guides. He has become my best friend forever and ever and ever.

  I heard it said best: you are my human diary. That is my perfect definition of a best friend. And I want nothing more than to confide all I have and am in the strength he gives me. I think I found a new bestie...think I'll keep him. Hope he keeps me too.

December 25, 2015

  And throughout this entire season there has been one underlying thought: this is nothing like last year. This is nothing like the last 5 years. This is nothing like any other year. And throughout this entire season, there has been one constant face: his. White boy's face has been that one face that has taken all of the exhaustion and turned it in to energy. With all of the places and faces I have seen this season his has been there through it all. And I am so blessed.

January 2, 2016

  It was the first time I kissed someone on New Years that carried my "I love yous" and who wore a piece of my heart around their neck. I had never felt so...right. Immediately, through my mind, ran the last year and how blessed that this year I was not in recovery through the mid-night hour...I was in the hands of someone who loved me. 

  Breathless from the thought that this might be the one I kiss for the rest of my life...breathless from the thought that this is probably the last full year I will be a Bachelorette...breathless from the thought that I don't have to worry where I belong...breathless from all of the firsts intermingling with perhaps all the lasts. I think I am ready. If I have my God, my friends, my family, and certainly not least...J then I will be nothing more than ready for life and all her unending mysteries.