He started working nights. It was something we talked extensively about before he accepted the promotion. At first, I thought that it didn't matter what I had to say. If he wanted to take more pay and work graveyard, then what part do I play in that. He said I was the biggest part of his life and to ruin that would not be worth it. That was a little over a month ago.
I started working more over time. It was something I knew was going to happen just to stay a float in my job. Not to mention I would wake up long before the sun made its appearance just to see white boy for a few blessed moments. Work began to pile, and sleep became more scarce. That was a little over a month ago.
The problem is that for days on end all I saw of him was a few blessed moments. In the cracks between those moments, ambivalence took root. It began to grow profusely and I began to get strangled in its vines. My feelings became questionable. My words became biting. My actions became hurtful.
Today, I thought I would go spend some time with him. If only for a few blessed moments before he left for work. I didn't know what to say to him so I texted him I was feeling distant from him...disconnected. His response was okay. Just okay. I wanted him to fight back. Or if not fight say something that tells me it is not okay. I could tell he was confused. But I also knew that if I didn't talk it out I would be eaten up inside, just imaging he was fine. It was easier to tell him I would see him next weekend and wallow in the ever growing uncertainty of my feelings for him than give in to the idea that I was feeling alone. My mind had begun to question my passions and sentiments. Were they all a ruse? Have they thus far just been figments of my imagination?
I finally told him I would come to him if he stayed home instead of going out. He stayed. I went. I showed up, this afternoon, emotionless and exhausted. Unaware of what the next few moments would hold. He sat me down...I was hesitant...we talked...I cried...he held me...I told him I was unsure...he told me he loved me...I told him it might not be enough...he kissed me...I kissed him back...he held me...I cried...I told him I loved him...he said that was enough...we talked...and in that moment... my confusion dissipated and all became clear. He became clear.
It is still a mystery to me that one person can truly make my restlessness calm. I realized I was never ambivalent toward him I was just missing him. A lot. Truck fulls even. What an overwhelmingly beautiful feeling. You can teach an old dog new tricks. You can also teach a stubborn, bull-headed, independent girl that it's okay to be vulnerable. Growing pains suck. :)
I started working more over time. It was something I knew was going to happen just to stay a float in my job. Not to mention I would wake up long before the sun made its appearance just to see white boy for a few blessed moments. Work began to pile, and sleep became more scarce. That was a little over a month ago.
The problem is that for days on end all I saw of him was a few blessed moments. In the cracks between those moments, ambivalence took root. It began to grow profusely and I began to get strangled in its vines. My feelings became questionable. My words became biting. My actions became hurtful.
Today, I thought I would go spend some time with him. If only for a few blessed moments before he left for work. I didn't know what to say to him so I texted him I was feeling distant from him...disconnected. His response was okay. Just okay. I wanted him to fight back. Or if not fight say something that tells me it is not okay. I could tell he was confused. But I also knew that if I didn't talk it out I would be eaten up inside, just imaging he was fine. It was easier to tell him I would see him next weekend and wallow in the ever growing uncertainty of my feelings for him than give in to the idea that I was feeling alone. My mind had begun to question my passions and sentiments. Were they all a ruse? Have they thus far just been figments of my imagination?
I finally told him I would come to him if he stayed home instead of going out. He stayed. I went. I showed up, this afternoon, emotionless and exhausted. Unaware of what the next few moments would hold. He sat me down...I was hesitant...we talked...I cried...he held me...I told him I was unsure...he told me he loved me...I told him it might not be enough...he kissed me...I kissed him back...he held me...I cried...I told him I loved him...he said that was enough...we talked...and in that moment... my confusion dissipated and all became clear. He became clear.
It is still a mystery to me that one person can truly make my restlessness calm. I realized I was never ambivalent toward him I was just missing him. A lot. Truck fulls even. What an overwhelmingly beautiful feeling. You can teach an old dog new tricks. You can also teach a stubborn, bull-headed, independent girl that it's okay to be vulnerable. Growing pains suck. :)
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