Skip to main content

Breaking my ambivalence

  He started working nights. It was something we talked extensively about before he accepted the promotion. At first, I thought that it didn't matter what I had to say. If he wanted to take more pay and work graveyard, then what part do I play in that. He said I was the biggest part of his life and to ruin that would not be worth it. That was a little over a month ago.
  I started working more over time. It was something I knew was going to happen just to stay a float in my job. Not to mention I would wake up long before the sun made its appearance just to see white boy for a few blessed moments. Work began to pile, and sleep became more scarce. That was a little over a month ago.
  The problem is that for days on end all I saw of him was a few blessed moments. In the cracks between those moments, ambivalence took root. It began to grow profusely and I began to get strangled in its vines. My feelings became questionable. My words became biting. My actions became hurtful.
  Today, I thought I would go spend some time with him. If only for a few blessed moments before he left for work. I didn't know what to say to him so I texted him I was feeling distant from him...disconnected. His response was okay. Just okay. I wanted him to fight back. Or if not fight say something that tells me it is not okay. I could tell he was confused. But I also knew that if I didn't talk it out I would be eaten up inside, just imaging he was fine. It was easier to tell him I would see him next weekend and wallow in the ever growing uncertainty of my feelings for him than give in to the idea that I was feeling alone. My mind had begun to question my passions and sentiments. Were they all a ruse? Have they thus far just been figments of my imagination?
  I finally told him I would come to him if he stayed home instead of going out. He stayed. I went. I showed up, this afternoon, emotionless and exhausted. Unaware of what the next few moments would hold. He sat me down...I was hesitant...we talked...I cried...he held me...I told him I was unsure...he told me he loved me...I told him it might not be enough...he kissed me...I kissed him back...he held me...I cried...I told him I loved him...he said that was enough...we talked...and in that moment... my confusion dissipated and all became clear. He became clear.
  It is still a mystery to me that one person can truly make my restlessness calm. I realized I was never ambivalent toward him I was just missing him. A lot. Truck fulls even. What an overwhelmingly beautiful feeling. You can teach an old dog new tricks. You can also teach a stubborn, bull-headed, independent girl that it's okay to be vulnerable. Growing pains suck. :)

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The sun will come out...when?

   I could have really used the sun today. You know that feeling between being in an okay mood and being in a not so okay mood? Well, I am there. And, I know for a fact that the sun would have pushed me to the side of okay...or maybe even taken me to great. No sun today. Just grey, blah weather. I hate it! It makes me doubt things. It makes me create things in my mind. It makes me think of the demeantors breeding bad juju.    I need the sun. Today has been more of a blah day than I have experienced in a long while. The weather isn't just hazy, I have become haze. The weather isn't just dank. I have become dank. The weather isn't just cold. I have become cold. So much so that the phone I answer at work would better serve me if thrown through the window in front of me. So much so that the cell phone I keep in touch with my friends would better serve me if broken.     SAD: seasonal affective disorder. I think most people know what this is...

What is love? Baby, I'm hurting...I'm hurting...🎶🎶

  Early last week was bad for white boy. He was injured and is probably left with a broken foot. Now, he hasn't been to the doctor and continues to walk and work and do all the things. He continues to also piss me off because he hasn't gone. Granted, I tend to be stubborn too, but if that would have happened to me and my foot looked like that, I would have been at the doctor's office first thing in the morning.   Having said that, that is all I can think about in the back of my mind. How much he is in pain and how much it sucks. I can't fix it, but I can get irritated and semi-yell at him for not going to have it checked out. Guess that's how I cope. I love him, but damn is it frustrating.   Sometimes I wonder how people show love. Sometimes I wonder if people show love in grandiose ways or if the subtlety of love is what is true love. Sure, I mean when he proposed that was a good indicator that he loves me. When I said yes is also a good indicator that I love him...

3000 miles...

      ...and I am exhausted. Just a little over an hour and a half ago, I reached 3000 miles on my trip, and as I sit here in this hotel room, in Fort Stockton, TX, I am realizing how tired I am. Isn't vacation supposed to be refreshing and relaxing? Yet, I feel neither. I feel as though I am running on fumes, like my car was moments ago before I gave her a drink.       I spent that last hour thinking about all the things I have done, all the people I have seen, all the wonderful food I have eaten, and I realize I am so blessed. I have everything I need and all the love and support a person could ask for, and because of that, I am truly blessed.       It took everything in my power to turn on my computer and type this, so this post is uber short. But, I wanted to thank everyone, thus far, who has extended a gracious hand to host me and be there for me in just a manner to show me love. I love each and everyone of you. (I am sure this will no...