It has been a while since I have been on such a long trip in such a short amount of time. 13 states in 7 days. 3300 miles. I am tired. Stood in Time Square. Walked the Atlantic City boardwalk. Shopped in the original Macy's. Lost a boyfriend, but I gained a fiance (which was definitely the most outrageous moment of the trip). Had NY pizza and cheesecake which were must haves and had (overall) a freaking amazing time.
Welcome back to reality! Since last Monday, I have been trying to figure out what it actually means to be a fiance. What if any changes do I need to make to fully embrace or understand the new reality that is me. And, the moment I do, I start to get overwhelmed and I decide to think about something else. A few times, J, his mom, and I would talk about when and what kind and all that "stuffs" that comes into a wedding. But, this goes waaayyyy beyond a wedding. If marriage was just a badass wedding and then going back to exactly the way things are with a slight tweak here or there, I would be ALL about it! But there are bills, and mortgages, and bills, and adulting, and the high probability of having kids, and more adulting, and more bills, and joint accounts, and money sharing, and...okay. I gotta stop. Too much. Head spinning!
On the drive home, I would often look in the back seat and take a peek at my fiance. That still feels strange. Really really strange. And I would just imagine all the heaps of changes and things that are going to take place. My thoughts were if he could handle it. Could I handle it? I looked at him and tried to comprehend this new reality. For a few moments, several times, I imagined him changing his mind and wanting the ring back saying he made a big mistake. Fear crept in several times, and I was doing a poor job of silencing it. Since last Monday, we hadn't spent a moment alone to talk about it. It was...get on one knee, slap the ring on, freak out, say yes, hug, kiss, and continue on with the rest of the vacation. **I don't mean it vulgar, just that there was no concluding conversation** It happened...it stayed.
I think (the whole rest of the trip) I was just trying to accept it. It was working. I was doing fine. It really was as though nothing had changed. I told him a few times that it would probably hit me when I got back to Tulsa and got back to reality. Secretly, I was hoping I would have no issues what-so-ever. I was doing pretty damn good. When we got home last night around 730PM, I was just tired. I wanted to go home and relax, and think about what this all meant.
As it got closer for me to go home, I didn't want to so much anymore. I mean, I would have loved to go and tell my folks I love them, kiss my puppy all over but then...gone back. Perhaps I was feeling a change. Is this what it means to be a fiance? Not wanting to leave? I've felt that before, so probably not. So what then? We sat on the porch for a few just enjoying the weather. "This is the first time we have been alone." Guess he was thinking that too... I reluctantly stood to give him a hug and a kiss goodbye, and I lost it. Everywhere. In front of him, the dog, God, the world...gone. And in that precious moment of vulnerability, I realized I don't have this figured out, but as his arms snaked tighter around me...I realized I don't have to, and I certainly realized that I am not alone. As my crying subsided, I whispered that I was scared beyond, but that I am so happy and honored he asked me to marry him.
I do not know what it means to be a fiance. No freaking clue. Honestly, I don't think it matters if I know. One day, one breath, one moment, at a time. Think I will start there.
Welcome back to reality! Since last Monday, I have been trying to figure out what it actually means to be a fiance. What if any changes do I need to make to fully embrace or understand the new reality that is me. And, the moment I do, I start to get overwhelmed and I decide to think about something else. A few times, J, his mom, and I would talk about when and what kind and all that "stuffs" that comes into a wedding. But, this goes waaayyyy beyond a wedding. If marriage was just a badass wedding and then going back to exactly the way things are with a slight tweak here or there, I would be ALL about it! But there are bills, and mortgages, and bills, and adulting, and the high probability of having kids, and more adulting, and more bills, and joint accounts, and money sharing, and...okay. I gotta stop. Too much. Head spinning!
On the drive home, I would often look in the back seat and take a peek at my fiance. That still feels strange. Really really strange. And I would just imagine all the heaps of changes and things that are going to take place. My thoughts were if he could handle it. Could I handle it? I looked at him and tried to comprehend this new reality. For a few moments, several times, I imagined him changing his mind and wanting the ring back saying he made a big mistake. Fear crept in several times, and I was doing a poor job of silencing it. Since last Monday, we hadn't spent a moment alone to talk about it. It was...get on one knee, slap the ring on, freak out, say yes, hug, kiss, and continue on with the rest of the vacation. **I don't mean it vulgar, just that there was no concluding conversation** It happened...it stayed.
I think (the whole rest of the trip) I was just trying to accept it. It was working. I was doing fine. It really was as though nothing had changed. I told him a few times that it would probably hit me when I got back to Tulsa and got back to reality. Secretly, I was hoping I would have no issues what-so-ever. I was doing pretty damn good. When we got home last night around 730PM, I was just tired. I wanted to go home and relax, and think about what this all meant.
As it got closer for me to go home, I didn't want to so much anymore. I mean, I would have loved to go and tell my folks I love them, kiss my puppy all over but then...gone back. Perhaps I was feeling a change. Is this what it means to be a fiance? Not wanting to leave? I've felt that before, so probably not. So what then? We sat on the porch for a few just enjoying the weather. "This is the first time we have been alone." Guess he was thinking that too... I reluctantly stood to give him a hug and a kiss goodbye, and I lost it. Everywhere. In front of him, the dog, God, the world...gone. And in that precious moment of vulnerability, I realized I don't have this figured out, but as his arms snaked tighter around me...I realized I don't have to, and I certainly realized that I am not alone. As my crying subsided, I whispered that I was scared beyond, but that I am so happy and honored he asked me to marry him.
I do not know what it means to be a fiance. No freaking clue. Honestly, I don't think it matters if I know. One day, one breath, one moment, at a time. Think I will start there.
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