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It's so much easier to run...

  Things are fine. All is well. Couldn't be happier. The earth is spinning to my heart beat. Then it hits...something that makes me freeze and run.
  I ran today. I ran away from him because it is what I do. The difference from the past is that he didn't try to chase me. And although I felt the pull of the weight of the ring on my finger, I kept running. Because it is what I do. I run. And it made me feel...
  I don't know exactly how it made me feel. I used to be so used to running when shit got hard. It was easy because no one came after me. Usually, I would run when I realized there was no hope. This time, I chose to run because I didn't feel like facing things like an adult.
  He and I haven't gotten into many arguments. Maybe 3. Maybe... but today, I found something out that threw me for a loop. Something from the past but out of character, as he has about me. The obligatory learning of each other. I felt winded.
  The difference between the other times that I have run and now is that I have an obligation to grow up and face things like an adult. Today I failed. But, today I was humiliated enough to realize that I can't just ask him if he wants his ring back or if he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Because his answer is going to be no. His answer will always be no. So, I have to crawl back... and that is not just humiliating, it is humbling.
  I talked to him this evening after my dramatic escape and although he understood why I was angry or hurt he was hurt and angry I left. I decided to do what I always do and run. Perhaps he thought that this ring would change me. It didn't. Yet. I do realize I have still a lot of growing up to do, and I hope I do. I also realize that in a little over a years time I won't be able to run to another home anymore. I will be home, and I will have to face the entire symphony.
  My dear friends... if you have any prayers to spare me. Please, I ask for them. I have a lot to learn. And he has a lot to teach me. And prayers for the one who has to deal with me. It was a very eye opening and strange moment to be at odds with the one you love, but it happens I suppose. I hate it, and it made me think of not so good memories in my not so distant past. I am grateful to be with one who doesn't want the ring back. I just hope he knows I love him and although I tried running for my own sanity, I should have be running toward him. I'll get there. Soon, I hope...so very soon.

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