There is a difference between suffocating and being comfortable. And although it is a very fine line, the distinction is blaring. It's like doing something for the first time. There is a moment of not being able to breathe, yet feeling comfortable in your own self to know your limits. Now, whether that analogy made sense, there is a difference.
A month ago tomorrow, I said yes to being involved with a really good man. Someone who has shown me true adoration at the expense of being mushy. Someone who has shown me respect and vulnerability. Someone who has no desire but to fulfill my desires. But, in an instant we became comfortable.
Before I make an ass of myself, I do realize that this is what a lot of people want: a complete comfortable lifestyle. For me, I needed the excitement. And without thinking I found myself in a rut with this one. I found myself craving something else. Not someone else. Just something else.
I will be a testament to someone who hates confrontation. I suck at them. I hate them. But I knew that if I were to show up on his door step and blow him away like a pubescent blows a dandelion, I would regret it. So, I went with a steelhead and fought for what I needed...breathing room. I needed to explain my wants and desires.
The odd and obviously blessed part of this confrontation was that I was not only NOT met with an obstacle I was met with acceptance and reassurance. Do you have any idea what it feels like for someone to fight for you? Do you have any idea what it feels like for someone to lay down their own dignity to show you what you deserve and mean to them? Do you know what it feels like to have someone hold you with no intention but to keep you safe? Because I do.
I went from feeling suffocated because of my own fear (of which I am working through) to feeling a deep sense of outside adoration. And it is awesome. The sad and hopeful part is that, in time, I will be able to show him what true beauty and grace he has made me feel and allow him to feel that in return.
I thought on the way to the cabin this afternoon about my relationship with the brown one. I thought about the sadness that my heart experienced and still carries. I thought about the emptiness that I gained from delving into feelings I should have kept for someone else. I thought about the things of which I would have had to compromise with him...and then I thought of the things I have gained with being with the white one.
I must tell you...I am blessed. I truly do believe, whether God wants me to settle down with him, that I am finally learning what it means to be cared for. I am finally learning what it feels to be found "awe"some. I am finally learning what it feels to be with someone who genuinely cares. And you know what...screw those who don't get it. Harsh, I know. But in the end, it is what we all want.
I spent a scary yet definitive moment, sitting on his couch, pouring out my soul. It was accepted, embraced and given the opportunity to breathe. It was given the opportunity to find happiness. I do believe that I am on the road to happiness. I may not know, at this moment, what that means, but I do believe I am getting closer. Closer to happiness and closer to being able to be comfortable without fear. I am only human and all I want is to love and be loved in return.
A month ago tomorrow, I said yes to being involved with a really good man. Someone who has shown me true adoration at the expense of being mushy. Someone who has shown me respect and vulnerability. Someone who has no desire but to fulfill my desires. But, in an instant we became comfortable.
Before I make an ass of myself, I do realize that this is what a lot of people want: a complete comfortable lifestyle. For me, I needed the excitement. And without thinking I found myself in a rut with this one. I found myself craving something else. Not someone else. Just something else.
I will be a testament to someone who hates confrontation. I suck at them. I hate them. But I knew that if I were to show up on his door step and blow him away like a pubescent blows a dandelion, I would regret it. So, I went with a steelhead and fought for what I needed...breathing room. I needed to explain my wants and desires.
The odd and obviously blessed part of this confrontation was that I was not only NOT met with an obstacle I was met with acceptance and reassurance. Do you have any idea what it feels like for someone to fight for you? Do you have any idea what it feels like for someone to lay down their own dignity to show you what you deserve and mean to them? Do you know what it feels like to have someone hold you with no intention but to keep you safe? Because I do.
I went from feeling suffocated because of my own fear (of which I am working through) to feeling a deep sense of outside adoration. And it is awesome. The sad and hopeful part is that, in time, I will be able to show him what true beauty and grace he has made me feel and allow him to feel that in return.
I thought on the way to the cabin this afternoon about my relationship with the brown one. I thought about the sadness that my heart experienced and still carries. I thought about the emptiness that I gained from delving into feelings I should have kept for someone else. I thought about the things of which I would have had to compromise with him...and then I thought of the things I have gained with being with the white one.
I must tell you...I am blessed. I truly do believe, whether God wants me to settle down with him, that I am finally learning what it means to be cared for. I am finally learning what it feels to be found "awe"some. I am finally learning what it feels to be with someone who genuinely cares. And you know what...screw those who don't get it. Harsh, I know. But in the end, it is what we all want.
I spent a scary yet definitive moment, sitting on his couch, pouring out my soul. It was accepted, embraced and given the opportunity to breathe. It was given the opportunity to find happiness. I do believe that I am on the road to happiness. I may not know, at this moment, what that means, but I do believe I am getting closer. Closer to happiness and closer to being able to be comfortable without fear. I am only human and all I want is to love and be loved in return.
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