Skip to main content

What to say?

  I am at a loss. For awhile now, I have wanted to write words that divine inspiration or inspire emotion. For awhile now, I have wanted to forge tales of hope that vanquished evil. For awhile now, I have wanted to put into words what my day to day routine has consisted of...but I don't know what to say.
  Work has taught me that drowning for a paycheck is acceptable. Home has taught me that parents are more than willing to overlook flaws. Love has taught me that moodiness is acceptable and embraced. Friendship has taught me that people do gravitate toward goodness and sometimes disregard negativity. Life has taught me that I am quite resilient.
  I have thought often about what to write here. But my constant thought is, "But what do I write about when all is okay and peaceful in one area and torrential in another?" For what inspiration is there in that? I think I have forgotten that I write for my own sanity. I think I have forgotten that to write for myself is my life's floatation device. I am sorry.
  To myself, I apologize. I don't know why I have lost site of this. I don't know. I am my own teacher. I am my own student. For the last few weeks...life (work) has sucked! In fact, I told my boss that if I had to endure another day like the previous 14...I would quit. No doubt. I couldn't hack it. I probably still can't. But, I am learning.
  All I know is that EVERY day is a new growing pain. EVERY day is a struggle...and yet I seem to still make it through. Thank God and all his divine interventions for the ability to, even when I can't seem to grasp things, put in to perspective life and love and all I hold dear.
  This is all so rambly. But I am tired. So very tired. Pray for me, friends as I pray for you.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

A goodbye love letter to you...

  I sat across from my dad at lunch, yesterday, and asked him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said, "Yeah. 1 year." And his eyes grew damp. "I'll never forget walking into that room..." He didn't continue. I didn't ask him to. "I'll never forget the police officer banging on my door at 1130 at night..." I didn't continue. He didn't ask me to.  "This journal was given to me several years ago by my children. I know they wanted me to write down my thoughts to get through the rough times I was going through at the time. I did not start this at that time. Why am I starting it now? Well, I only thought I had been through hell back then, but now I realize I didn't have any idea what heartache was until Aug 15, 2010 -"   This is the beginning of one of my mother's journals. A journal she started a little over a month after Andy died. And she wrote it--to him.  "Dear Mother - Today is the day before Mothe...

Arithmetic of Purpose

   By nature, humans will, at one point in their life, ask the question, "For what purpose? Why am I here? What am I meant to do?" Okay, maybe they will ask themselves more than 1 question...but at least around the same theme. "Who am I, and why am I here?" It is built in our very DNA. Growing up, I didn't ask this often. I had a loving family who went with the current. Who I was and why I was here was bound up in my place in my family of 4. I was comfy. I was loved. I was secure. But alas...the question presented itself.   I first asked myself this question walking down the streets of Rome. I was alone, I was 21, and I was lost. I had just finished AmeriCorps and felt like I wanted something, but wasn't sure what that was. I had found my faith, at last, and realized that perhaps I wanted to be a bigger part of the Church collective. I felt meaning to my nothingness. I went home with direction. I graduated from college, finally, and started grad school to be...

3000 miles...

      ...and I am exhausted. Just a little over an hour and a half ago, I reached 3000 miles on my trip, and as I sit here in this hotel room, in Fort Stockton, TX, I am realizing how tired I am. Isn't vacation supposed to be refreshing and relaxing? Yet, I feel neither. I feel as though I am running on fumes, like my car was moments ago before I gave her a drink.       I spent that last hour thinking about all the things I have done, all the people I have seen, all the wonderful food I have eaten, and I realize I am so blessed. I have everything I need and all the love and support a person could ask for, and because of that, I am truly blessed.       It took everything in my power to turn on my computer and type this, so this post is uber short. But, I wanted to thank everyone, thus far, who has extended a gracious hand to host me and be there for me in just a manner to show me love. I love each and everyone of you. (I am sure this will no...