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Motherhood, fatherhood, and a change in the weather


 No boys were hurt in the taking of this photo, and carrots in the nose were under complete supervision. (Carrots not the boys) =P
 

   I remember coming back from a trip to San Diego with these boys, their sisters, and their parents with this thought, "I want to be a mom." For the first time, 2 years ago almost to the day, I realized I wanted kids. I didn't care if I was married or if I did it alone. In fact, I was more eager to have kids than I was to get married. I texted my best friend, told my mom, and had a complete feeling of peace toward the idea of motherhood. These past 10 days, I got my chance.
   Here we are 2 years later with those same boys, but not with their parents...completely alone. I will admit that the experience, in my head, was exciting. In reality, the idea was frightening. I had only ever taken care of myself and my dog for a long period of time. Well, I have dogsat before, but dogs are easier. These were two small non-furry creatures that needed much more attention than being fed and letting outside to do their business.
    However, I had help. Lots of help. For the first 4 days, I had the brown one's help. I had a father of a young girl, the same age, giving me support. And, boy did I need it. Looking back, after doing the last 5 days alone, since he was out of commission, I realized I had to amend my desire of having kids. It wasn't that I didn't want to have them, it was that I didn't want to do it alone, or if I did, then I don't know if I could do twins. It was freaking hard! Yes, the boys were great. Yes, we created somewhat of a routine. Yes, I realize that if I start at the beginning it would be easier. Yes. Yes. Yes...I get that.
    But, I got a first hand experience of what it was like to have a partner and what it was like without one. And, I prefer the former. Perhaps this reassured me that I do want motherhood, but I want it with someone. Perhaps this reassured me that I can do this, but it is better for everyone involved if you don't do it alone. I applaud all mothers. I applaud all mothers who are married and have kids. I applaud all mothers who are not married and have kids. I applaud my mother. Thank you! What a sacrifice!
    And, as I dropped them off at a friend's house on Monday, my first day away from them, I had a sinking feeling of, "I miss those little guys." I texted him, and his response was, "Yeah, they'll do that to you." I had to realize that he hadn't seen his little one in 2 months. He had been away from his heart for 2 months not just a day. My heart broke a little. But, I knew he was going to get a chance to see her in just a few short days...or so we hoped.
   We were wrong. Having little Nathan and Isaac, I had hoped that he would get a chance to hold his girl. Now, it isn't my story to tell, and so I won't. But, it is a story that demands to be realized. He lost the opportunity, this time, to hold his baby. He lost the opportunity, this time, to play with her and watch her laugh and smile. He lost the opportunity, this time, to see in her eyes the love he has for her reflected back to himself. You know the most amazing part? While he was gone, he would ask me, "How are the boys? How is the fort? How are you doing?" From what seems like halfway around the world, he still cared about kids that were not his because he couldn't ask her about his own.
     Fatherhood...I am no man. I will never understand this concept. Motherhood...I am a woman. I do not fully understand this concept. One day, I will. This has been a trying week, and I think that he being broken but built up by God concerning his little one couldn't have come at a better time, if it had to come at all. I got a small, infinitesimal glimpse of parenthood so I felt I might slightly be able to perhaps begin to understand a small idea of what he was going through. Probably not.
     What it did make me realize, and him as well, is that there is always safety in Christ. It is amazing how quickly, in life, it can go from snow and ice to a beautiful spring day. Everyday, I was reassured that God is walking along side me. And, even though I lost tons of sleep this past week and a half, and I thought at one point I would lose my mind, when I woke in the morning and texted him good morning and asked how he was. His response was, "I am blessed."
      Through his pain, he has grown. Through his pain, I have grown. God truly does bring beauty from pain enough to give us this kind of rest...

I love these boys...and all their crazy shenanigans


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