I guess you could say my personality is cannibalistic. I tend to feed off of human cues. This has always given me the ability to be a human chameleon and to adapt somewhat smoothly in any situation. What this does entail is that I will then hide myself from my true self at times. I will put what I want on the back burner if I know that it is not going to be accepted with open arms. I know this makes me sound like a selfless and endearing person...
It makes me closed off. It makes me build walls that are completely unnecessary so that I will protect my heart from continual or future heartbreak. There was a moment, almost a year and a half ago, where I was lying with him and he told me that if we continued the way we were going someone was going to get hurt, and that that somebody was probably going to be me. I started to build a wall. I casually, but heartbroken, told him that I wouldn't let him hurt me til I gained the ability to hurt back.
In that instant, I had been cueless...I had been clueless...I swore from then on, I would cease to be cueless or clueless in any heartbreaking situation. But, I do realize that is no way to live. I realize that I am truly only hurting myself. Especially when things between the boy who said it and the girl who heard aren't the same boy and girl. They (we) have changed. We have grown.
We were sitting in the corner of a booth at Hodge's Bend enjoying the early evening when two girls sat down next to us. It would be a very long 5 hour engagement with these girls and us. It was a blast...but they had a tendency to bring up the hard things: how did you meet? what made you decide to be friends instead of date? What is your situation? UGH! Questions that I have run through my head a million times, but not necessarily with him there to hear. But, as he went to the restroom and I told them of our situation I knew he knew we were talking about him. And, if I didn't tell, he definitely asked when we got back in the car.
What did you talk about? What did they ask about me? What did they ask about us? What was said? After trying to deny that any of that actually happened, I told him. He listened...I didn't probe for his side of the situation, but I casually waited for the ball to drop and him to say something along the lines of: "Well, you need to get those thoughts out of your head. This is nothing really." His response was, "Oh, okay." And, when I asked him if it bothered him I talked to them about us...he said, "No." That's it.
Sometimes, I am able with grace to hold myself and my desire back. Sometimes, like last night watching him engage in casual or deep conversations with men from his parish or soul engaging in the conference we attended, I want to just...attack. Attack in all the good ways of course. I see such beauty in his life and who he is. I am blessed to be able to see the one who was going to hurt me be the one who encourages me to live my life to the fullest.
Who knows...I think I know, but at the end of the day: when it comes to me and him I have a comfortable gray future. But, I am not worried. I am encouraged. Because if we had this world all figured out with no mystery then what good or fun would there be? Because in the discovery of the mysterious we find excitement. To date him is to kiss him anytime I want... want... desire... patience... mystery.
It makes me closed off. It makes me build walls that are completely unnecessary so that I will protect my heart from continual or future heartbreak. There was a moment, almost a year and a half ago, where I was lying with him and he told me that if we continued the way we were going someone was going to get hurt, and that that somebody was probably going to be me. I started to build a wall. I casually, but heartbroken, told him that I wouldn't let him hurt me til I gained the ability to hurt back.
In that instant, I had been cueless...I had been clueless...I swore from then on, I would cease to be cueless or clueless in any heartbreaking situation. But, I do realize that is no way to live. I realize that I am truly only hurting myself. Especially when things between the boy who said it and the girl who heard aren't the same boy and girl. They (we) have changed. We have grown.
We were sitting in the corner of a booth at Hodge's Bend enjoying the early evening when two girls sat down next to us. It would be a very long 5 hour engagement with these girls and us. It was a blast...but they had a tendency to bring up the hard things: how did you meet? what made you decide to be friends instead of date? What is your situation? UGH! Questions that I have run through my head a million times, but not necessarily with him there to hear. But, as he went to the restroom and I told them of our situation I knew he knew we were talking about him. And, if I didn't tell, he definitely asked when we got back in the car.
What did you talk about? What did they ask about me? What did they ask about us? What was said? After trying to deny that any of that actually happened, I told him. He listened...I didn't probe for his side of the situation, but I casually waited for the ball to drop and him to say something along the lines of: "Well, you need to get those thoughts out of your head. This is nothing really." His response was, "Oh, okay." And, when I asked him if it bothered him I talked to them about us...he said, "No." That's it.
Sometimes, I am able with grace to hold myself and my desire back. Sometimes, like last night watching him engage in casual or deep conversations with men from his parish or soul engaging in the conference we attended, I want to just...attack. Attack in all the good ways of course. I see such beauty in his life and who he is. I am blessed to be able to see the one who was going to hurt me be the one who encourages me to live my life to the fullest.
Who knows...I think I know, but at the end of the day: when it comes to me and him I have a comfortable gray future. But, I am not worried. I am encouraged. Because if we had this world all figured out with no mystery then what good or fun would there be? Because in the discovery of the mysterious we find excitement. To date him is to kiss him anytime I want... want... desire... patience... mystery.
Comments
Post a Comment