Skip to main content

What's wrong with me?

  I have been in a negative mood for the last two days, and I can't seem to figure out why. I think I might have an idea though. Yesterday, I was contacted by every boy I have ever dated. Okay, not that it has been more than 2, but still. First, a little after midnight I was messaged by the ex. It was a response to a text (response) I had sent him 5 days previously. Then, yesterday, I was contacted by Z, the other one about a concert that he was inviting me to.
  Now, I have been in contact with these men in the past; it is nothing new. But, I wonder if being in contact with them has caused me subconsciously to alter my mood. I wonder if, even though I haven't had too much outward negative response to them, if in someway it has affected me. What else could it be? I am not menstruating, and I am not ovulating. I did recently quit smoking, but it was over a week ago, and the cravings are few and pretty far between.
   The sad part...is that it isn't these men who are affected by my bad mood. It is him. He gets all the negativity, and it makes me want to lash out at him. I have felt so distant from him for the last two days, that it makes me want to scream. Not that I am upset we aren't physically seeing each other. In fact, hanging with the bestie last night was nice. I could voice myself and tear up and not feel ridiculous. (Not that I do with him.)
   God, I sound like a vulnerable twit! I bet if I were sitting in the therapist's chair I wouldn't even know what to say. I would just find random noise making and screaming more beneficial than actually talking about the way I feel. It saddens me that I am making someone else (and frankly everyone I come in contact with) deal with this mood. I suppose I should just choose to feel a different way.
   Ugh...yeah yeah. I suppose. I don't wanna. I mean, I want to feel differently, but I don't particularly want to put in the effort. Ha! Boy, I am a piece of work! If I were reading this from the outside, I would call me a pathetic drama queen. Maybe that is what I am. Maybe at this moment I am okay with that.
   If I get up enough courage to tell him what has been bothering me the last 2 days, and then apologize for it, then I have grown exponentially. If not...perhaps he doesn't notice. Let's go with that. Meaning, if he brings it up, then we will deal with it. If he doesn't, I don't need to.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Tiger must stay in your backpack...

   I'm not that parent. The one who gloats too much, and shows off all the pictures. The parent who relays every detail of their kid to let others know how incredible I think they are. Perhaps it is a flaw. Who knows. And I also pride myself in not being a helicopter parent. I teach and let go. I discipline and let go.    And I thought I would be ready for this: first day of Pre-K. I have been very positive and uplifting and have wanted my son to be extra ready to go to school. We have talked about it for months! I am ready... Or so I thought.  This morning, as white boy was leaving to take them to daycare, he said to Owen, "You can't take Tiger to school tomorrow or he will have to stay in your backpack, so do you want to take him to daycare today?" I thought little of it, but as Owen threw him down on the ground and turned to head out the door, my throat hitched. "Are you sure you don't want to take him today?" He said no. It was a sense of finality.  ...

A goodbye love letter to you...

  I sat across from my dad at lunch, yesterday, and asked him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said, "Yeah. 1 year." And his eyes grew damp. "I'll never forget walking into that room..." He didn't continue. I didn't ask him to. "I'll never forget the police officer banging on my door at 1130 at night..." I didn't continue. He didn't ask me to.  "This journal was given to me several years ago by my children. I know they wanted me to write down my thoughts to get through the rough times I was going through at the time. I did not start this at that time. Why am I starting it now? Well, I only thought I had been through hell back then, but now I realize I didn't have any idea what heartache was until Aug 15, 2010 -"   This is the beginning of one of my mother's journals. A journal she started a little over a month after Andy died. And she wrote it--to him.  "Dear Mother - Today is the day before Mothe...

Arithmetic of Purpose

   By nature, humans will, at one point in their life, ask the question, "For what purpose? Why am I here? What am I meant to do?" Okay, maybe they will ask themselves more than 1 question...but at least around the same theme. "Who am I, and why am I here?" It is built in our very DNA. Growing up, I didn't ask this often. I had a loving family who went with the current. Who I was and why I was here was bound up in my place in my family of 4. I was comfy. I was loved. I was secure. But alas...the question presented itself.   I first asked myself this question walking down the streets of Rome. I was alone, I was 21, and I was lost. I had just finished AmeriCorps and felt like I wanted something, but wasn't sure what that was. I had found my faith, at last, and realized that perhaps I wanted to be a bigger part of the Church collective. I felt meaning to my nothingness. I went home with direction. I graduated from college, finally, and started grad school to be...