Skip to main content

What's wrong with me?

  I have been in a negative mood for the last two days, and I can't seem to figure out why. I think I might have an idea though. Yesterday, I was contacted by every boy I have ever dated. Okay, not that it has been more than 2, but still. First, a little after midnight I was messaged by the ex. It was a response to a text (response) I had sent him 5 days previously. Then, yesterday, I was contacted by Z, the other one about a concert that he was inviting me to.
  Now, I have been in contact with these men in the past; it is nothing new. But, I wonder if being in contact with them has caused me subconsciously to alter my mood. I wonder if, even though I haven't had too much outward negative response to them, if in someway it has affected me. What else could it be? I am not menstruating, and I am not ovulating. I did recently quit smoking, but it was over a week ago, and the cravings are few and pretty far between.
   The sad part...is that it isn't these men who are affected by my bad mood. It is him. He gets all the negativity, and it makes me want to lash out at him. I have felt so distant from him for the last two days, that it makes me want to scream. Not that I am upset we aren't physically seeing each other. In fact, hanging with the bestie last night was nice. I could voice myself and tear up and not feel ridiculous. (Not that I do with him.)
   God, I sound like a vulnerable twit! I bet if I were sitting in the therapist's chair I wouldn't even know what to say. I would just find random noise making and screaming more beneficial than actually talking about the way I feel. It saddens me that I am making someone else (and frankly everyone I come in contact with) deal with this mood. I suppose I should just choose to feel a different way.
   Ugh...yeah yeah. I suppose. I don't wanna. I mean, I want to feel differently, but I don't particularly want to put in the effort. Ha! Boy, I am a piece of work! If I were reading this from the outside, I would call me a pathetic drama queen. Maybe that is what I am. Maybe at this moment I am okay with that.
   If I get up enough courage to tell him what has been bothering me the last 2 days, and then apologize for it, then I have grown exponentially. If not...perhaps he doesn't notice. Let's go with that. Meaning, if he brings it up, then we will deal with it. If he doesn't, I don't need to.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The sun will come out...when?

   I could have really used the sun today. You know that feeling between being in an okay mood and being in a not so okay mood? Well, I am there. And, I know for a fact that the sun would have pushed me to the side of okay...or maybe even taken me to great. No sun today. Just grey, blah weather. I hate it! It makes me doubt things. It makes me create things in my mind. It makes me think of the demeantors breeding bad juju.    I need the sun. Today has been more of a blah day than I have experienced in a long while. The weather isn't just hazy, I have become haze. The weather isn't just dank. I have become dank. The weather isn't just cold. I have become cold. So much so that the phone I answer at work would better serve me if thrown through the window in front of me. So much so that the cell phone I keep in touch with my friends would better serve me if broken.     SAD: seasonal affective disorder. I think most people know what this is...
Post a Comment
Read more

Used to but not anymore

       I used to have this friend. It was a friendship that was uncomplicated and never required a lot of personal struggle. I never felt uncomfortable or as though I had to compromise myself. It was a friendship of true honesty and sincerity, and I miss it.         Oddly enough, I have these moments that I imagine my entire life ending. Just stopping. And as I ponder on where I am and who I am around and who would be affected, I think of this friend. Probably because they aren't around anymore. I think that perhaps they aren't around to help me cope with the things I encounter on a daily basis. Odd, you say? Eh, if you knew them, you wouldn't think so.         I honestly can't remember the first time I met this person. I was very young, and never imagined that we would grow as close as we did. It was perhaps a friendship forged in similar tastes and loves. We loved to banter about religion and philosophy and litera...
2 comments
Read more

What is love? Baby, I'm hurting...I'm hurting...🎶🎶

  Early last week was bad for white boy. He was injured and is probably left with a broken foot. Now, he hasn't been to the doctor and continues to walk and work and do all the things. He continues to also piss me off because he hasn't gone. Granted, I tend to be stubborn too, but if that would have happened to me and my foot looked like that, I would have been at the doctor's office first thing in the morning.   Having said that, that is all I can think about in the back of my mind. How much he is in pain and how much it sucks. I can't fix it, but I can get irritated and semi-yell at him for not going to have it checked out. Guess that's how I cope. I love him, but damn is it frustrating.   Sometimes I wonder how people show love. Sometimes I wonder if people show love in grandiose ways or if the subtlety of love is what is true love. Sure, I mean when he proposed that was a good indicator that he loves me. When I said yes is also a good indicator that I love him...
Post a Comment
Read more