When we find that we are wading through the muck and mire of the deepest part of ourselves, where lies our heart, we find brokenness. We find, at times, scars from arrows that have been lodged there from long time past, or perhaps we still find arrows that never have been removed. By what do I mean? There are two messages that we encounter in life: the message of romance and the message of the arrows.
The hardest part of being a human is dislodging the arrows so the romance isn't effected or is at least restored. But, most of the time, we are hit by arrows we don't know exist until we get older. We can experience these arrows through loss which manifest as abandonment, or we can experience them through a violation of the mind, body or soul which can manifest as abuse. Whilst reading this book for the first time, I couldn't see the arrows in my own self. I didn't believe that I had any. I had little to worry about as far as abandonment or abuse.
But, somehow at some point I experienced the deepest moment of loss. I experienced the purest sense of abandonment. When he died, he abandoned me. And, from then on I struggled with it; I just didn't realize it. I had a relationship with a person once. It was a complicated relationship that drove me mad with worry and doubt as to their intentions with me. I could never be quite sure what they were doing in my life. And until the day I walked away from that person, I was riddled with doubt. As I watched them walk in the opposite direction, I felt another sense of abandonment. Perhaps it was because it was the first time that I had shared a deeper feeling for someone outside of strictly mutual friendship feelings. What I felt was deeper, and I had to box those feelings up and place them on a distant shelf.
When I dated my ex, I didn't feel the sting of the arrow that was inside. I didn't even realize it was there, until I forced him to make the decision to leave me. It was then I truly took a look at myself and found that arrow of abandonment lodged deep in my heart. I didn't realize there was a pattern from the first then to the second then on to the third. I didn't realize it until I had to. Then came the one I couldn't be with; then came the one I dated to just have fun but gave a bit of my heart to. Then came another abandonment. What it made me realize was that we are all abandoned at some point. My story doesn't make my arrows deeper or more guilded. The difference is that some people are better at dislodging the arrows to get back to the romance.
I would be remiss to say that I still haven't fully delt with this arrow. I am working on pulling it out, knowing that it is there. It will take time, and it will affect how I behave and how I interact with people in my life. I can't help that. What I can help is learn to trust what is in front of me: my friends and my family, those who have not abandoned me. I can trust that.
So then what is the romance the arrows keep us from? The romance is the place in our hearts where the Romancer whispers to us. Where we hear our name being called intimately and passionately. That is the romance. We see it through a sunset; we hear it through the giggles of our children; we feel it through our lover's touch; we taste it through a meal that takes us back to our childhood; we smell it through the fresh rain that has fallen. We are called to the greater romance that is a torrid love affair with our Maker. And, some people have a greater ability to abandon the arrows, working around the scar tissue to reconnect with the message of the romance. I hope soon to gain the ability to do such a thing.
The hardest part of being a human is dislodging the arrows so the romance isn't effected or is at least restored. But, most of the time, we are hit by arrows we don't know exist until we get older. We can experience these arrows through loss which manifest as abandonment, or we can experience them through a violation of the mind, body or soul which can manifest as abuse. Whilst reading this book for the first time, I couldn't see the arrows in my own self. I didn't believe that I had any. I had little to worry about as far as abandonment or abuse.
But, somehow at some point I experienced the deepest moment of loss. I experienced the purest sense of abandonment. When he died, he abandoned me. And, from then on I struggled with it; I just didn't realize it. I had a relationship with a person once. It was a complicated relationship that drove me mad with worry and doubt as to their intentions with me. I could never be quite sure what they were doing in my life. And until the day I walked away from that person, I was riddled with doubt. As I watched them walk in the opposite direction, I felt another sense of abandonment. Perhaps it was because it was the first time that I had shared a deeper feeling for someone outside of strictly mutual friendship feelings. What I felt was deeper, and I had to box those feelings up and place them on a distant shelf.
When I dated my ex, I didn't feel the sting of the arrow that was inside. I didn't even realize it was there, until I forced him to make the decision to leave me. It was then I truly took a look at myself and found that arrow of abandonment lodged deep in my heart. I didn't realize there was a pattern from the first then to the second then on to the third. I didn't realize it until I had to. Then came the one I couldn't be with; then came the one I dated to just have fun but gave a bit of my heart to. Then came another abandonment. What it made me realize was that we are all abandoned at some point. My story doesn't make my arrows deeper or more guilded. The difference is that some people are better at dislodging the arrows to get back to the romance.
I would be remiss to say that I still haven't fully delt with this arrow. I am working on pulling it out, knowing that it is there. It will take time, and it will affect how I behave and how I interact with people in my life. I can't help that. What I can help is learn to trust what is in front of me: my friends and my family, those who have not abandoned me. I can trust that.
So then what is the romance the arrows keep us from? The romance is the place in our hearts where the Romancer whispers to us. Where we hear our name being called intimately and passionately. That is the romance. We see it through a sunset; we hear it through the giggles of our children; we feel it through our lover's touch; we taste it through a meal that takes us back to our childhood; we smell it through the fresh rain that has fallen. We are called to the greater romance that is a torrid love affair with our Maker. And, some people have a greater ability to abandon the arrows, working around the scar tissue to reconnect with the message of the romance. I hope soon to gain the ability to do such a thing.
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