I kissed him, and he told me, "You like me more than you say." My reply, "In the end it doesn't matter."
I can't remember if I have written about lists or desires or expectations of significant others and the ones we want in our lives, but the idea: of the perfect one...might be shattering. Someone once told me that the older a man gets the shorter his list is and the older the woman the longer. For the last few weeks, I have spent a great deal of time thinking of my own list. It is very short and explicit: taller than me, darker skinned, college educated, good job, and Catholic.
Again, I remember sitting with some very dear friends, at a coffee bar, and they were making me evaluate what it was on my list that was flexible. The thing I came down to, although I didn't adhere to it, was all that truly mattered was that they were Catholic. Since that time, I have been involved with the brown boy and the desire to make a life with the brown one. Both of whom, had most ticked off on my list. In fact, the brown one, had everything...but in the end it still didn't matter.
So, what does matter? Lately, while evaluating my own list, I have been observing other people I know and their relationships. What made them get with their significant other? What made them choose that person? What did they give up on their list so that one could fit in? What is the underlying factor: love, support, sexual attraction, sex itself, respect, honesty, settling?
And then, I have been thinking of dating. I had this idea that it best to only date those you can marry. But, then when I dated Zain, I thought that it is okay to date just to date. Now, I don't know. I do know that at (almost) 30, I am in the stage of my life where I am looking for a mate. I am looking for someone more than just a means to pass the time. This kind of makes me wish that I would have started dating sooner than 27, but alas, I did not.
Before my confessor left for Rome, as I told him of my confusion, he told me this, "You are good woman, Aly, with a good heart. But, you are weak, and people will take advantage of that." Not one for thinking myself weak, I have been thinking and thinking of that statement trying to negate it...but I can't, because it is true. And, if it is true, then what exactly is my list supposed to reflect? My parents, my brother, and my friends have always wanted one thing for me: to find the perfect one. Not that the person was perfect, but that they treated me with a sense of perfection. What I am finding is this, "What if my perfect one isn't my list? What if the one who is right or could be, is nothing like my list? Then what?"
It would be after a nice dinner and a movie, that I finally opened up to him. It was then I was able to tell him, "If I date you now, you will only be a rebound, and you deserve more than that." His response, "True, I don't. But just tell me when you are ready, and okay." Here I sat listening to words I had once thrust upon someone else. Words that although are wonderful to hear demand a lot of responsibility. If I knew now how powerful those words were to hear, I might have never said them to the brown one. But, they were true and honest. I meant them...and so does this one. And, it scares the shit out of me. I was hurt, and I have no desire to hurt someone the way I was.
When he told me, "You might date me later." My thoughts were, "Yes, but you aren't darker than me. Yes, but you aren't college educated. Yes, but you aren't Catholic." And, as I held his hands...hands that carry responsibility and fight and honesty and care and loyalty and other things that aren't on my list but make him a good man, my list started to erase itself. So, what does my list consist of now? Erased pencil marks. Except it is as though it has been erased with a cheap pencil so what was there is still visible, just smeared and holding on with eraser marks around my lines. The choice is now this: get a better eraser, or rewrite my previous list--this time in ink.
I can't remember if I have written about lists or desires or expectations of significant others and the ones we want in our lives, but the idea: of the perfect one...might be shattering. Someone once told me that the older a man gets the shorter his list is and the older the woman the longer. For the last few weeks, I have spent a great deal of time thinking of my own list. It is very short and explicit: taller than me, darker skinned, college educated, good job, and Catholic.
Again, I remember sitting with some very dear friends, at a coffee bar, and they were making me evaluate what it was on my list that was flexible. The thing I came down to, although I didn't adhere to it, was all that truly mattered was that they were Catholic. Since that time, I have been involved with the brown boy and the desire to make a life with the brown one. Both of whom, had most ticked off on my list. In fact, the brown one, had everything...but in the end it still didn't matter.
So, what does matter? Lately, while evaluating my own list, I have been observing other people I know and their relationships. What made them get with their significant other? What made them choose that person? What did they give up on their list so that one could fit in? What is the underlying factor: love, support, sexual attraction, sex itself, respect, honesty, settling?
And then, I have been thinking of dating. I had this idea that it best to only date those you can marry. But, then when I dated Zain, I thought that it is okay to date just to date. Now, I don't know. I do know that at (almost) 30, I am in the stage of my life where I am looking for a mate. I am looking for someone more than just a means to pass the time. This kind of makes me wish that I would have started dating sooner than 27, but alas, I did not.
Before my confessor left for Rome, as I told him of my confusion, he told me this, "You are good woman, Aly, with a good heart. But, you are weak, and people will take advantage of that." Not one for thinking myself weak, I have been thinking and thinking of that statement trying to negate it...but I can't, because it is true. And, if it is true, then what exactly is my list supposed to reflect? My parents, my brother, and my friends have always wanted one thing for me: to find the perfect one. Not that the person was perfect, but that they treated me with a sense of perfection. What I am finding is this, "What if my perfect one isn't my list? What if the one who is right or could be, is nothing like my list? Then what?"
It would be after a nice dinner and a movie, that I finally opened up to him. It was then I was able to tell him, "If I date you now, you will only be a rebound, and you deserve more than that." His response, "True, I don't. But just tell me when you are ready, and okay." Here I sat listening to words I had once thrust upon someone else. Words that although are wonderful to hear demand a lot of responsibility. If I knew now how powerful those words were to hear, I might have never said them to the brown one. But, they were true and honest. I meant them...and so does this one. And, it scares the shit out of me. I was hurt, and I have no desire to hurt someone the way I was.
When he told me, "You might date me later." My thoughts were, "Yes, but you aren't darker than me. Yes, but you aren't college educated. Yes, but you aren't Catholic." And, as I held his hands...hands that carry responsibility and fight and honesty and care and loyalty and other things that aren't on my list but make him a good man, my list started to erase itself. So, what does my list consist of now? Erased pencil marks. Except it is as though it has been erased with a cheap pencil so what was there is still visible, just smeared and holding on with eraser marks around my lines. The choice is now this: get a better eraser, or rewrite my previous list--this time in ink.
Not sure we're supposed to be strong. Weakness gives space for Him to work in us, strength - or at least trying to be strong - gets in the way I think.
ReplyDeleteI met my life's love when I'd laid everything aside. Get that eraser working girl.