If you can say that you haven't sat in front of someone who cares deeply for you and with a straight face tell them you haven't consciously disregarded them as a human being for your own self-interest, you are a better person than me. It is a despicable thing, and I did it. In that moment of disregard, I carried no remorse.
Now, if you can say that you haven't had to look that person in the eye and apologize knowing your words are only a fraction of the guilt you felt, then you were saved severe embarrassment. Sometimes, I wonder how anyone could consider me a decent human being.
I could say that for my own self-defense that I acted as a scared little child. But even so, that is a very low thing to do. So far, in this relationship, I have spent more time fighting against my own heart and soul. And as I sat across from him it all began to make sense. I have never been truly happy in any relationship. In fact, I am not sure I understand what that word means when it comes to being in a relationship. I am learning. Truly, I am.
The most humbling thing I experienced this week: after telling him this heinous truth, he slightly bowed his head and said, "You pretended that I didn't have feelings." Yes. Yes I did. "Why?" Was his response... "To make you run." I admire this man. He puts up with more attitude than gratitude. He endures more pain than gain. And his response: "But I am still here, and I am not going anywhere." Talk about a large plate of humble pie. I was full by the time the evening came to a close.
I am learning in this world what true self-worth really is. I am learning what true friendship really is. I am learning what true goodness really is. And he has taught me a great deal of that. I call him my savior, not to negate my True Savior, but to call attention to the very nature of his personhood. He treats me, an at times truly despicable person, with what he thinks I deserve: happiness and care and honesty and pure respect. I could ask for nothing more.
I am not deserving of his heart, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving of his time, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving of his concern, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving, but he thinks I am. And that makes me believe that perhaps I might be. Thank you white boy. For you. Thank you.
Now, if you can say that you haven't had to look that person in the eye and apologize knowing your words are only a fraction of the guilt you felt, then you were saved severe embarrassment. Sometimes, I wonder how anyone could consider me a decent human being.
I could say that for my own self-defense that I acted as a scared little child. But even so, that is a very low thing to do. So far, in this relationship, I have spent more time fighting against my own heart and soul. And as I sat across from him it all began to make sense. I have never been truly happy in any relationship. In fact, I am not sure I understand what that word means when it comes to being in a relationship. I am learning. Truly, I am.
The most humbling thing I experienced this week: after telling him this heinous truth, he slightly bowed his head and said, "You pretended that I didn't have feelings." Yes. Yes I did. "Why?" Was his response... "To make you run." I admire this man. He puts up with more attitude than gratitude. He endures more pain than gain. And his response: "But I am still here, and I am not going anywhere." Talk about a large plate of humble pie. I was full by the time the evening came to a close.
I am learning in this world what true self-worth really is. I am learning what true friendship really is. I am learning what true goodness really is. And he has taught me a great deal of that. I call him my savior, not to negate my True Savior, but to call attention to the very nature of his personhood. He treats me, an at times truly despicable person, with what he thinks I deserve: happiness and care and honesty and pure respect. I could ask for nothing more.
I am not deserving of his heart, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving of his time, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving of his concern, but he thinks I am. I am not deserving, but he thinks I am. And that makes me believe that perhaps I might be. Thank you white boy. For you. Thank you.
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