Skip to main content

A human mirror

  I look at myself, a lot. I think it has something to do with the fact that I didn't think myself attractive for a long time. Now, I can look at myself even when someone else is in the bathroom. Before, I entered with head bowed and left the same. There are times when I look at myself 3 times before I leave. Most of the time, I focus on one aspect of myself: my eyes, my hair, my waist line, my clothes...something. I can see how this seems egotistical, but perhaps I am making up for lost mirror time.
  However, I can only remember one time that I actually looked into the mirror to see something deeper than my outward appearance. And it scared me. I honestly didn't think it was possible to look into the mirror and truly see oneself. It always seemed so cliché. Until I did it.
  That was 4 months ago. The moment I decided to walk away from a "relationship" that was nothing more than a confusing drag. It held me bound and clipped the wings I knew God had given me to fly. It caused more pain than gain, and I had finally refused to live that life any longer. That was 4 months ago.
  Now, I have a human mirror. White boy. And it scares me. 4 months ago, when I looked at myself, truly, I saw the real me. When I look into his crystal clear blue eyes I wonder if the person staring back at me is my true self or the one he sees. And, if they are so different that I am 2 people.
  You should hear the description of me when it is said in his voice. You would think I was God's gift to the earth. You would think I was flawless. You would think I had no discrepancies. I know that this is not true. I know that this is a mere reflection of me in him. All I wonder is if it could be remotely true. Could I be somewhat of a gift to earth? Could I be somewhat flawless? Could I be somewhat pure? Could his true heart, the one that sees me that way, be a glimpse of what is inside me?
  I don't know. All I know, is this: that if the reflection I see in his eyes is even remotely true or ever could be then it is worth looking at everyday just to know that I can be something incredible. I like the reflection I see in his beautiful eyes. Makes me want to stick around for a long while to find out what else I can find staring back at me. Here's to the long haul... *cheers*

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A goodbye love letter to you...

  I sat across from my dad at lunch, yesterday, and asked him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said, "Yeah. 1 year." And his eyes grew damp. "I'll never forget walking into that room..." He didn't continue. I didn't ask him to. "I'll never forget the police officer banging on my door at 1130 at night..." I didn't continue. He didn't ask me to.  "This journal was given to me several years ago by my children. I know they wanted me to write down my thoughts to get through the rough times I was going through at the time. I did not start this at that time. Why am I starting it now? Well, I only thought I had been through hell back then, but now I realize I didn't have any idea what heartache was until Aug 15, 2010 -"   This is the beginning of one of my mother's journals. A journal she started a little over a month after Andy died. And she wrote it--to him.  "Dear Mother - Today is the day before Mothe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Arithmetic of Purpose

   By nature, humans will, at one point in their life, ask the question, "For what purpose? Why am I here? What am I meant to do?" Okay, maybe they will ask themselves more than 1 question...but at least around the same theme. "Who am I, and why am I here?" It is built in our very DNA. Growing up, I didn't ask this often. I had a loving family who went with the current. Who I was and why I was here was bound up in my place in my family of 4. I was comfy. I was loved. I was secure. But alas...the question presented itself.   I first asked myself this question walking down the streets of Rome. I was alone, I was 21, and I was lost. I had just finished AmeriCorps and felt like I wanted something, but wasn't sure what that was. I had found my faith, at last, and realized that perhaps I wanted to be a bigger part of the Church collective. I felt meaning to my nothingness. I went home with direction. I graduated from college, finally, and started grad school to be...
Post a Comment
Read more

The disconnect

   We have all heard the famous idiom: "If it isn't broke don't fix it." But how often if it is broken do we take the time to fix it?    I have been quite emotional lately, and I am starting to wonder why. Are things good in my life? Yes, I have no complaints. I recently, as of this week, started a new job, and am thankful for the more cash flow. I have a loving and caring family, a great group of friends, some I am closer with and some that let me crash at their house for a night of talking and movie watching...simply to catch up. I have a kind and loving bf who showers me with genuine compliments and lavishes me with care and concern. I have a dog that does what he does best: loves unconditionally. Overall, I have what I could consider the perfect life.    So, what's my problem? I used to have a friend in my life that I cared for deeply. At one point, we were very connected to one another, and we had a sense of simple understanding between us. In fact, ...
Post a Comment
Read more