Skip to main content

True heartbreak

  I wonder if it was instantaneous like it seems or if my heart has been breaking for sometime. I don't know. I recognized it for what it was as I was driving to his house after Mass. I was in a good mood. Happy even. Granted, Mass usually gets me happy, but I was happy, and I was thinking about the white boy.
  For what seems like so long, my heart has been bitter and my defenses were always up. It has been easier to be angry and hurt and engrossed in myself than to actually take the time to realize I was thawing. To realize that my heart was breaking. To realize I was healing.
  I don't know when it really happened. It could have been last night when he told me I made his world. It could have been when I told him I had to leave and he hugged me tighter. It could have been tonight as I watched him shoot pool and his arms flexed to show a glimpse of the strength I know he possesses both physically for me and emotionally. It could have been as he sang me the country song he told me reminded him of me. It could have been any oNE of those times...I don't know.
  But as I drove home, I realized, truly, that I felt honest happiness. I knew that when I texted him to tell him I was excited to go with him to meet his family, that it wasn't just a farce. I knew that as I got in bed tonight and texted him goodnight and that I already missed him, it wasn't just a formality. And I knew, that when he told me I had come a long way in expressing myself to him, he meant it most honestly.
  I experienced heartbreak. Good heartbreak. But breaking none-the-less. I couldn't be more happy in knowing that my cold and painfully distant heart wasn't irreparable it just needed the right person to break the walls and chip away at the ice that had formed around it. God has been and still is very aware of what I need in my life, and I would be remiss to say that he has given me once again something exactly that I needed. Who knew that heartbreak was a good thing? I didn't...that is until my eyes were opened to see goodness again. And, what a beautiful sight it is.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beneath the Weeping Willow

  "The willow submits to the wind and prospers until one day it is many willows—a wall against the wind. This is the willow's purpose." —  Frank Herbert, Dune   Time, although a very evasive concept, is in each moment a gift. And most often, I don't stop to look back at the road I have traveled on. Even more so, the road Justin and I have travelled together. But today it is warranted. Today marks 9 years as husband and wife, and 9 years of truly some amazing and adverse moments. We have lost the most cherished and birthed the most loved all the while interwoven with each other.    I will be the first to admit that our day to day appears to some: mundane. However, inside the ordinary he and I together have understood the profundity of love. It is brash and loud, but it is also cautious and quiet.  "Love is a many splendored thing."  It is the true basis of community, and I am proud of the community we have built.   The  willow  is the t...
Post a Comment
Read more

A human mirror

  I look at myself, a lot. I think it has something to do with the fact that I didn't think myself attractive for a long time. Now, I can look at myself even when someone else is in the bathroom. Before, I entered with head bowed and left the same. There are times when I look at myself 3 times before I leave. Most of the time, I focus on one aspect of myself: my eyes, my hair, my waist line, my clothes...something. I can see how this seems egotistical, but perhaps I am making up for lost mirror time.   However, I can only remember one time that I actually looked into the mirror to see something deeper than my outward appearance. And it scared me. I honestly didn't think it was possible to look into the mirror and truly see oneself. It always seemed so cliché. Until I did it.   That was 4 months ago. The moment I decided to walk away from a "relationship" that was nothing more than a confusing drag. It held me bound and clipped the wings I knew God had given me to f...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Breath of Life

   "I c-c-c-can't stop shaking." "Oh, that is normal," he said as he looked down at me before he peered back over the blue medical sheet in front of my face. I couldn't. I just couldn't stop the incessant shaking. The moment of welcoming my son had played out in my head everyday for the last 10 months, and I promise, this was NOT it.   We arrived 30 hours prior, and my utopistic idea of induction had not come true.    "There are only a few reasons we would revert to a cesarean section... 1. He is under stress. 2. I am under stress. 3. He isn't progressing after some time, but chances are we won't get there."    So, after 22 hours of quite intense labor, I found myself being prepped for a c-section. I'll be the first to admit, my words of, "We will do what we have to do to have a healthy baby," seemed so far gone now. I wasn't sure emotionally how I had gotten this far, or even how I would get further.   "We are go...
1 comment
Read more