Skip to main content

True heartbreak

  I wonder if it was instantaneous like it seems or if my heart has been breaking for sometime. I don't know. I recognized it for what it was as I was driving to his house after Mass. I was in a good mood. Happy even. Granted, Mass usually gets me happy, but I was happy, and I was thinking about the white boy.
  For what seems like so long, my heart has been bitter and my defenses were always up. It has been easier to be angry and hurt and engrossed in myself than to actually take the time to realize I was thawing. To realize that my heart was breaking. To realize I was healing.
  I don't know when it really happened. It could have been last night when he told me I made his world. It could have been when I told him I had to leave and he hugged me tighter. It could have been tonight as I watched him shoot pool and his arms flexed to show a glimpse of the strength I know he possesses both physically for me and emotionally. It could have been as he sang me the country song he told me reminded him of me. It could have been any oNE of those times...I don't know.
  But as I drove home, I realized, truly, that I felt honest happiness. I knew that when I texted him to tell him I was excited to go with him to meet his family, that it wasn't just a farce. I knew that as I got in bed tonight and texted him goodnight and that I already missed him, it wasn't just a formality. And I knew, that when he told me I had come a long way in expressing myself to him, he meant it most honestly.
  I experienced heartbreak. Good heartbreak. But breaking none-the-less. I couldn't be more happy in knowing that my cold and painfully distant heart wasn't irreparable it just needed the right person to break the walls and chip away at the ice that had formed around it. God has been and still is very aware of what I need in my life, and I would be remiss to say that he has given me once again something exactly that I needed. Who knew that heartbreak was a good thing? I didn't...that is until my eyes were opened to see goodness again. And, what a beautiful sight it is.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The sun will come out...when?

   I could have really used the sun today. You know that feeling between being in an okay mood and being in a not so okay mood? Well, I am there. And, I know for a fact that the sun would have pushed me to the side of okay...or maybe even taken me to great. No sun today. Just grey, blah weather. I hate it! It makes me doubt things. It makes me create things in my mind. It makes me think of the demeantors breeding bad juju.    I need the sun. Today has been more of a blah day than I have experienced in a long while. The weather isn't just hazy, I have become haze. The weather isn't just dank. I have become dank. The weather isn't just cold. I have become cold. So much so that the phone I answer at work would better serve me if thrown through the window in front of me. So much so that the cell phone I keep in touch with my friends would better serve me if broken.     SAD: seasonal affective disorder. I think most people know what this is...
Post a Comment
Read more

Used to but not anymore

       I used to have this friend. It was a friendship that was uncomplicated and never required a lot of personal struggle. I never felt uncomfortable or as though I had to compromise myself. It was a friendship of true honesty and sincerity, and I miss it.         Oddly enough, I have these moments that I imagine my entire life ending. Just stopping. And as I ponder on where I am and who I am around and who would be affected, I think of this friend. Probably because they aren't around anymore. I think that perhaps they aren't around to help me cope with the things I encounter on a daily basis. Odd, you say? Eh, if you knew them, you wouldn't think so.         I honestly can't remember the first time I met this person. I was very young, and never imagined that we would grow as close as we did. It was perhaps a friendship forged in similar tastes and loves. We loved to banter about religion and philosophy and litera...
2 comments
Read more

What is love? Baby, I'm hurting...I'm hurting...🎶🎶

  Early last week was bad for white boy. He was injured and is probably left with a broken foot. Now, he hasn't been to the doctor and continues to walk and work and do all the things. He continues to also piss me off because he hasn't gone. Granted, I tend to be stubborn too, but if that would have happened to me and my foot looked like that, I would have been at the doctor's office first thing in the morning.   Having said that, that is all I can think about in the back of my mind. How much he is in pain and how much it sucks. I can't fix it, but I can get irritated and semi-yell at him for not going to have it checked out. Guess that's how I cope. I love him, but damn is it frustrating.   Sometimes I wonder how people show love. Sometimes I wonder if people show love in grandiose ways or if the subtlety of love is what is true love. Sure, I mean when he proposed that was a good indicator that he loves me. When I said yes is also a good indicator that I love him...
Post a Comment
Read more