"Getting older's not been on my plans"

  It amazes me when things happen or show up that weren't there before. It's like when your arm is cold or numb and as it warms up or starts to wake up you get that tingly feeling. It's the one that tells you blood (or life) has started circulating again.   I have heard that when you kiss someone, for the first time, if you don't get that tingly feeling then you obviously aren't with the right one. Personally, I tend to think that's bunk. I have a hard time believing in love at first sight and even more so tinglies at first kiss.   But, as I held him, or more like he held me tonight, I got that tingly feeling. I got that feeling of life coursing out from my heart to the depths of me. It was a small shocking moment. I wonder if he noticed that I hugged him a bit tighter or I whispered "don't leave" into his bare chest. But, if he did feel it or did hear it his response, as in the past, is to cling tighter and whisper back: "never."   Th...

I read an article yesterday that spoke too true about me. The title"18 Things You Should Know About the Emotionally Unavailable Woman in Your Life." I am not quite sure why I was drawn to read this, but 18 things wasn't that many, so I decided to check it out. Not quite sure if I am glad I did. Or, maybe I am. 1. She will put her career and goals before love interests.     I don't know if this is fully true. I have always found it easier to focus on work and other activities than it is to focus on any sort of love interest. When it comes to work, work doesn't judge you or compare you to other work. Call it a self-preservation thing. 2. She will definitely leave you if you interfere with her ultimate life goals.     Uh... yeah. This is actually true. I have done it before, and I can't say that I wouldn't do it again. I guess it is best to find someone who lines up with your ultimate goals. 3. She wants it all. And she will get it.    ...

  I look at myself, a lot. I think it has something to do with the fact that I didn't think myself attractive for a long time. Now, I can look at myself even when someone else is in the bathroom. Before, I entered with head bowed and left the same. There are times when I look at myself 3 times before I leave. Most of the time, I focus on one aspect of myself: my eyes, my hair, my waist line, my clothes...something. I can see how this seems egotistical, but perhaps I am making up for lost mirror time.   However, I can only remember one time that I actually looked into the mirror to see something deeper than my outward appearance. And it scared me. I honestly didn't think it was possible to look into the mirror and truly see oneself. It always seemed so cliché. Until I did it.   That was 4 months ago. The moment I decided to walk away from a "relationship" that was nothing more than a confusing drag. It held me bound and clipped the wings I knew God had given me to f...

  I wonder if it was instantaneous like it seems or if my heart has been breaking for sometime. I don't know. I recognized it for what it was as I was driving to his house after Mass. I was in a good mood. Happy even. Granted, Mass usually gets me happy, but I was happy, and I was thinking about the white boy.   For what seems like so long, my heart has been bitter and my defenses were always up. It has been easier to be angry and hurt and engrossed in myself than to actually take the time to realize I was thawing. To realize that my heart was breaking. To realize I was healing.   I don't know when it really happened. It could have been last night when he told me I made his world. It could have been when I told him I had to leave and he hugged me tighter. It could have been tonight as I watched him shoot pool and his arms flexed to show a glimpse of the strength I know he possesses both physically for me and emotionally. It could have been as he sang me the country song...

  If you can say that you haven't sat in front of someone who cares deeply for you and with a straight face tell them you haven't consciously disregarded them as a human being for your own self-interest, you are a better person than me. It is a despicable thing, and I did it. In that moment of disregard, I carried no remorse.   Now, if you can say that you haven't had to look that person in the eye and apologize knowing your words are only a fraction of the guilt you felt, then you were saved severe embarrassment. Sometimes, I wonder how anyone could consider me a decent human being.   I could say that for my own self-defense that I acted as a scared little child. But even so, that is a very low thing to do. So far, in this relationship, I have spent more time fighting against my own heart and soul. And as I sat across from him it all began to make sense. I have never been truly happy in any relationship. In fact, I am not sure I understand what that word means when it ...

  I asked why he smelled so good, and he responds, "I put on deodorant when I got off work." It isn't so much how he smells in that moment. It is that I know I will smell like him when I go home.   I love the way he smells, and when I don't get it for a few days I begin to miss it. Sad thing, is that I don't realize I miss it until I smell it (him) again. But that's the way it is isn't it...we don't truly realize what we miss until we experience it again.   I consider myself pretty lucky. I have a guy who when I spend 4 out of 5 days being moody and downright bitchy still has the audacity to text me and tell me he misses me. All I can think about is the last conversation we had on the phone. You know...the one where I riled on him and laid into him because I was feeling moody. Yeah, that one.   And although he has no problem calling me out on it, he would rather spend our time talking about the good parts than the negative. I've been a mess late...

  *whew* when does it end? When do we come to the moment when we look back and see that 5 years have come and gone? Now. Now is that moment. For the last 5 years, I have lived without the one person who made, in my life, the greatest difference. And sometimes, I wonder if I have lived up to his expectations.   I don't know. I can only imagine, but I have a feeling that at some deep level, in his heart, he would be proud. But, who is to know. I feel that I know more than most what he would be proud of, and in my deepest struggles, he was still proud of me.   Tonight, after 5 years of his death, I got to hang out with my friends. I got to be with the people who held my heart and soul above water. And that has made all the difference. I am so blessed. I am blessed beyond measure.   So what next? Only me. I am next. It is my life that must be weighed and hopefully not found wanting. It is my life that must take the next step. I can't imagine sometimes living without h...