Skip to main content

I get it now

   I think I finally understand. I think I am finally able to see what has been right in front of me the whole time. See, you were never mine to keep. You have only been on loan. And, to combat the fear of losing oneself, you protected yourself.
   I think that's what I couldn't understand. In my head, I felt as though I was on the playground playing make belief. You were the husband, I was the wife...kids on the way. But it can't be that can it? In theory, I saw you as an escape. You still are. I have a love for you that I cherish. In theory, I saw our fate. But I just wanted to be there on that playground pretending it wasn't reality.
    I must ask you to forgive me. I admit that in my hurt I acted as I shouldn't...out of anger and fear. I fear no longer. I have found peace. I have found truth. And for my actions, I am truly sorry. I do hope that you can forgive me for berating your heart's shield. Do you see it as such? You're smart. So, I believe so.
    What to do now? Wait. Wait for the peace of God to engulf you as it has me. Allow the truth of us to be shown. Allow us to be humans living in a very real world. You told me once you couldn't give me your whole heart; I understood. I understood, but I forgot. For that, I am truly sorry. I embrace the honesty and love I see in you. I give forth the truth and love I have in me.
    My written words have always been a means for me to express what is truly in my heart. Sometimes my mouth gets the better of me. When you look in the mirror, do you see what I do? Do you see the man who is good? Do you see a flawed human who tries hard to embrace the world in which he lives? Because that's what I see.
    I get it now. I get us now. I have loved us then...I love us now. It was always suppose to hurt. I was always meant to hurt you, as you were always meant to hurt me. Because in the end the rainbow still exists. But that doesn't mean I have to watch the back of your head right now as you walk away. I much prefer your face.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Tiger must stay in your backpack...

   I'm not that parent. The one who gloats too much, and shows off all the pictures. The parent who relays every detail of their kid to let others know how incredible I think they are. Perhaps it is a flaw. Who knows. And I also pride myself in not being a helicopter parent. I teach and let go. I discipline and let go.    And I thought I would be ready for this: first day of Pre-K. I have been very positive and uplifting and have wanted my son to be extra ready to go to school. We have talked about it for months! I am ready... Or so I thought.  This morning, as white boy was leaving to take them to daycare, he said to Owen, "You can't take Tiger to school tomorrow or he will have to stay in your backpack, so do you want to take him to daycare today?" I thought little of it, but as Owen threw him down on the ground and turned to head out the door, my throat hitched. "Are you sure you don't want to take him today?" He said no. It was a sense of finality.  ...
Post a Comment
Read more

A goodbye love letter to you...

  I sat across from my dad at lunch, yesterday, and asked him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" He said, "Yeah. 1 year." And his eyes grew damp. "I'll never forget walking into that room..." He didn't continue. I didn't ask him to. "I'll never forget the police officer banging on my door at 1130 at night..." I didn't continue. He didn't ask me to.  "This journal was given to me several years ago by my children. I know they wanted me to write down my thoughts to get through the rough times I was going through at the time. I did not start this at that time. Why am I starting it now? Well, I only thought I had been through hell back then, but now I realize I didn't have any idea what heartache was until Aug 15, 2010 -"   This is the beginning of one of my mother's journals. A journal she started a little over a month after Andy died. And she wrote it--to him.  "Dear Mother - Today is the day before Mothe...
Post a Comment
Read more

Arithmetic of Purpose

   By nature, humans will, at one point in their life, ask the question, "For what purpose? Why am I here? What am I meant to do?" Okay, maybe they will ask themselves more than 1 question...but at least around the same theme. "Who am I, and why am I here?" It is built in our very DNA. Growing up, I didn't ask this often. I had a loving family who went with the current. Who I was and why I was here was bound up in my place in my family of 4. I was comfy. I was loved. I was secure. But alas...the question presented itself.   I first asked myself this question walking down the streets of Rome. I was alone, I was 21, and I was lost. I had just finished AmeriCorps and felt like I wanted something, but wasn't sure what that was. I had found my faith, at last, and realized that perhaps I wanted to be a bigger part of the Church collective. I felt meaning to my nothingness. I went home with direction. I graduated from college, finally, and started grad school to be...
Post a Comment
Read more