Skip to main content

The game

    I have to admit that I haven't had this rough of a week in a very long time. I have been to the heights of gladness to the depths of despair...and for what?
    Sometimes I wonder if what we are taught as kids is something we really understand as adults. I just spent the evening with a co-worker who was battling with relationship issues...and here I sat: a 29 year old girl with issues of her own listening to a 45 year old woman talk about the same thing. 
    What?! So...what conclusion did I come to? People are all the same. Men are men...no matter the age--as are women. I can't speak for a man, but as a woman i realize we all battle the same thing: love, acceptance, stability, security, and honesty. As I sat there and listened to this lady speak of her hardships I couldn't help but understand her feelings. Yet, at the same time, I couldn't help but put myself in her lovers place. 
    I came to this conclusion: we are all wanting to be loved. We are all wanting to be accepted...but sometimes we feel like we have to play the "game." The funny thing is that we all hate the game, and yet we succumb to it. 
    So, what is the game? The game is when we don't text before they do. When we don't seem desperate so they don't see our wants. When we don't act as though we need them in our lives. When we act as though we can progress without them...this, my friends, is the thing that in the end fucks us up the most.
    I never thought I would be the person to play this game. I want to be with someone that if I want to text you for whatever reason...I do. Whenever I seem desperate...I tell you I miss you. Whenever I need you...I let you know. Whenever I say I can't seem to go on without you...I ask for help. This is strength.
   Never have I thought that not saying something to look "strong" was a ploy for strength. Never have I thought that playing the game was a smart idea. 
   I want honesty. I want truth. I want reality. I want rawness. I want harshness. I want nitty-gritty, smack-down, fucked up, can't hold it in any longer cause I am gonna burst realness...
   I won't play the game. I suck at it...and I refuse. I will be me, and only me. I swear.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Beneath the Weeping Willow

  "The willow submits to the wind and prospers until one day it is many willows—a wall against the wind. This is the willow's purpose." —  Frank Herbert, Dune   Time, although a very evasive concept, is in each moment a gift. And most often, I don't stop to look back at the road I have traveled on. Even more so, the road Justin and I have travelled together. But today it is warranted. Today marks 9 years as husband and wife, and 9 years of truly some amazing and adverse moments. We have lost the most cherished and birthed the most loved all the while interwoven with each other.    I will be the first to admit that our day to day appears to some: mundane. However, inside the ordinary he and I together have understood the profundity of love. It is brash and loud, but it is also cautious and quiet.  "Love is a many splendored thing."  It is the true basis of community, and I am proud of the community we have built.   The  willow  is the t...
Post a Comment
Read more

Being his girlfriend

"Are you happy being my girlfriend?" He asks. In all seriousness. In all honesty. He asks. Never once have I been asked such a damned difficult question. Never once have I been asked that slight simple question. Never once have I been asked THAT question.   Immediately, my head goes a thousand different directions. I want to give him the most honest answer. But lately I feel as though I am trying to quantity my happiness. Yes. I. Am. Happy. But what is happiness? Am I? Can I honestly say that I am happy? I don't know.   Before I make an ass out of myself, I must say this: not one time in the history of Aly and men has she ever felt like her significant other was shelter. You know that line from Finding Nemo where Dory says to Marlin, "When I look at you, I remember. When I look at you, I am home." That's the way I feel when I am in his arms. Home. Perhaps it best not to tell him such a bold thought, but it's true.   Back to this question. Am I happy b...
3 comments
Read more

The Breath of Life

   "I c-c-c-can't stop shaking." "Oh, that is normal," he said as he looked down at me before he peered back over the blue medical sheet in front of my face. I couldn't. I just couldn't stop the incessant shaking. The moment of welcoming my son had played out in my head everyday for the last 10 months, and I promise, this was NOT it.   We arrived 30 hours prior, and my utopistic idea of induction had not come true.    "There are only a few reasons we would revert to a cesarean section... 1. He is under stress. 2. I am under stress. 3. He isn't progressing after some time, but chances are we won't get there."    So, after 22 hours of quite intense labor, I found myself being prepped for a c-section. I'll be the first to admit, my words of, "We will do what we have to do to have a healthy baby," seemed so far gone now. I wasn't sure emotionally how I had gotten this far, or even how I would get further.   "We are go...
1 comment
Read more