"Getting older's not been on my plans"

I was asked today if I had any talents. Well, not exactly. I was asked if I could paint. This was asked after I was asked if I could sing. Do you know how hard it is to tell someone no on both accounts? Sure, I can carry a tune, but I wouldn’t call myself a singer. That’s just ridiculous. I don’t make money at it, I don’t sing in public (unless in Mass or in the car with friends and family), and I certainly have never been recruited to sing the national anthem at an opening baseball game. So, no, I don’t sing. My response was, “So, am I boring?” Graciously, the answer was no, but still. Am I boring? How often do I have to sell what I can and cannot do? To friends, family, and co-workers not at all. But everyday we are selling a little of ourselves. So, how much of our soul is intertwined with how and when we sell ourselves. I told this person that I write. But I could apply those things that I have said before and then I wouldn’t be a writer would I? I don’...

“There is one right there, dude.” “The truck won’t fit. Stop changing the subject. Tell me exactly why you did it?” “I don’t know really.” “Yes you do. You’re not exactly an irrational person. Just tell me what you were thinking before you went off and decided to change your entire world.” “I don’t know. I guess in that moment I realized I couldn’t go on and continue to feel the way I did. I knew something had to change, and I chose to do it.” I really hate change. Okay, that is probably a lie, but I don’t like it. I just see the inevitability of change. I started back at work yesterday, and it was like I never left. It was good to see everyone, and I just simply was able to slip back in to my normal routine. My hours have changed, but nothing else. My work family is the same, the environment is the same, the work is the same, but I am not. My co-worker was asking me about my evening and I was telling her of what a great time I had, and I said, “I just feel like I am flo...

           I knew that sooner or later I would run into the dead post. The one where nothing I can say would truly be worth anyone’s while. Eh. I hit it. Square in the chest. It isn’t that there aren’t things on my mind there are many, but I feel that I missed my own deadline and now when I get home this evening I will be back to back. So, I will say this. I like peaches; I like a good karaoke song, and I like meeting new people.             That sounded like a shameless plug for myself. It wasn’t. I don’t think. Eh, whatever. ‘Til tonight. Be blessed…

It’s amazing how life treats us when we least expect it. I know that at 29 I can’t expect to have it all together. I also know that I can at least have an idea of what I can expect from life. Granted, I don’t know everything, but I do know what I want and perhaps a little bit of how to go about getting it. Today I was presented with a very good opportunity, and without hesitation I allowed myself to take hold of it. It’s one of those small life moments that grabs us and shakes us awake. This morning when I awoke I thought, “Today I am good. Today I am alive. Today I am me.” Sounds dumb, but I knew that if I wanted something different for myself I would have to make a change. Coming off of my vacation I realized that I am the only one who can make that change. This morning when I awoke I felt empowered. I received a text from the ex telling me about his day and how things are looking up for him. I was genuinely happy for him, but not in a: how will this affec...

It is a common thought that if you want something bad enough you will go for it. It can be anything from a job, a new car, a new house, a lover. Anything. And the thing about human ambition is that nothing gets in the way of what we want most. Humans are selfish, we want what we want when we want it...and we will do anything in our power to make it happen. But...sometimes things get in the way. Well, I am tired of letting things get in my way. In 23 days, I have driven 4563.8 miles. That’s a lot. I’m tired. However, refreshed in spirit and mind. As I drove back into Tulsa this afternoon, I felt a sense of new beginning. I had just spend the last month traveling around the southwest part of the country seeing family and friends, and I immediately, as I hit my home town, had a sense of “something new.” It wasn’t a sense that something was going to come my way and I had to be open to it, well, that wasn’t what I was feeling. It was more of: you are entering a new part ...

What a great way to end a great week with a great friend. Yes, a lot of greats, but it truly has been a fantastic time. And today could not have been a better day. My friend and I started out waking up late (awesome) and making our way leisurely downtown to this small green niche in the middle of Houston called the DownTown Green. She could have swore that there was an entrance to the underground tunnels somewhere, so we started walking. Needless to say, the entrance was closed on the weekend. Suck! ...but, this is the most walking I have done since I have been gone, and it felt nice to just get out and enjoy the beautiful day. We ended up at this uber trendy bowling alley with amazing food! And I mean amazing! I had short rib tacos...and for my friends, yes, I did eat rib meat, but it was off the bone. =) But...let me tell you about this sauce: curried ketchup. Holy cow! Like best sauce in the world. This might even come sorta close to my favorite homemade salsa. Sor...

There are moments that just seem all too surreal. It is those moments when you are having a great time, and then something immediately breaks your heart. It is like that zemblanity I spoke of last week. It is a thing you would rather not know, when you are having a great time. How quickly things can turn. Tonight, I had the opportunity to go out with a dear dear friend, okay, the ex. Call it what you will and without there being any awkwardness it was a pleasant time. I was completely enjoying myself. Now, you may think that I shouldn’t or it was stupid, but whatevs, it is what it is, and I won’t take it back. I am glad I went and we had a good time. It was an opportunity to see a side of Houston I haven’t seen since his brother lives here, and he used to. Things were good, and I happened to look at my phone, and I had received a message from my mom telling me my first boss, and all around amazing man had passed from this life to the next. Talk about a fuc...

My father used to always ask my brother and me this question, “Do you lie as much as you used to?” If we said yes, we admitted we were liars. If we said no, we still admitted that we used to be liars, and are perhaps still lying. Now, although asked in jest, it is a valid question. At what point do we stop lying, if we do, to ourselves or those we love? I was talking with my mother, and I asked her if this particular story I heard was true, she blatantly told me no it wasn’t. I already had a feeling it was a made up ruse, but I just had to be sure. So the thought came, “How often do we lie to ourselves and others?” Also, “How long does it take for us to lie to someone before we begin to believe it ourselves?” I always thought I was a good liar, not something I should be proud of, but I thought so, until my mother always caught me in the lie. It sucked, but in the end it helped me to understand the power of truth. On occasion, I still find myself lying to my...

I haven’t always been a people person. In fact, when I was younger, my brother was the one who made all the friends and had all the fun with new experiences, but when he moved away to seminary, I knew that I had to come out of my shell. So, I became a people person. It took some time, and practice, but I accomplished. Now, I think of myself as an extroverted people person. Is this true? Maybe. I don’t really know, but it doesn’t bother me to be with people, or be in large crowds alone. In fact, today, I proved that correct. I drove to the Johnson space center, by myself, I drove to Galveston, by myself, and enjoyed it. I enjoy my own company. Would it have been better with someone there with me? Of course, but there wasn’t, so I went and had a blast. So, how did I accomplish this? I don’t have any aversion to people, so it wasn’t hard to make friends or become a more outgoing person, it just took practice. And, I am so thankful that, in a crowd, I can make ...

Wherever I go, I encounter people who are like me and who are completely different from me. I think that is the basis for being human, but whatevs. I had a conversation a few days ago with my cousin about religion, and then tonight with my dear friend. Both, dedicated followers of Christ, lovers of scripture, and truly good people. And where we differ is where we spend our time on Sunday morning (or in my case Saturday night.) As most of those who know me, I am Catholic. Shocker!!! Just kidding. But seriously, I am. I wasn’t raised Catholic, but now am fully 100% RC (Roman Catholic.) I was raised, in a loving home, as what I call charismatic evangelical. I suppose you could say non-denominational, but that can be semantics. Anyway, both of these people remain non-denominational as I made the decision, almost 8 years ago, to convert (or revert) to Catholicism. And in both instances...the question of “why” came up. That, my friend, is a very loaded question. ...

I had the opportunity to hang with a friend who I haven’t seen for many a year. I must say, it was refreshing, and completely awesome. But there was a running theme...is there hope when it comes to finding a man? Ugh...I would like to think that there is, but when you think about life and all that she throws at you, sometimes it doesn’t seem like it. So, what is there to look forward to? She and I were talking about men and women and the difference that we find between the two, and that there is in fact a blaring difference. But that is not what this post is about. This is about: is there hope when it comes to having a good and healthy relationship? I hope so? I have to believe so… But, I think we came to the same conclusion: that men and women are different, and although we are both coming out of a relationship, we both understand that no one is perfect and men and women differ entirely. All we wish is that the men in our lives would realize that too. Do they...

      ...and I am exhausted. Just a little over an hour and a half ago, I reached 3000 miles on my trip, and as I sit here in this hotel room, in Fort Stockton, TX, I am realizing how tired I am. Isn't vacation supposed to be refreshing and relaxing? Yet, I feel neither. I feel as though I am running on fumes, like my car was moments ago before I gave her a drink.       I spent that last hour thinking about all the things I have done, all the people I have seen, all the wonderful food I have eaten, and I realize I am so blessed. I have everything I need and all the love and support a person could ask for, and because of that, I am truly blessed.       It took everything in my power to turn on my computer and type this, so this post is uber short. But, I wanted to thank everyone, thus far, who has extended a gracious hand to host me and be there for me in just a manner to show me love. I love each and everyone of you. (I am sure this will no...

     "The love has flown." Or has it? So many times, we find ourselves in a relationship with someone we love and our first instinct is to give all of ourselves. We do it because we want to; we do it because we think it's what they want, and sometimes we do it because society has told us that is the thing to do. And those reasons are good reasons. They are natural reasons; they are reasons that help a relationship thrive and be healthy.       But what happens when the relationship goes sour, or someone just isn't in it anymore? Just recently, I found myself in a relationship that I couldn't salvage, which brought me to this place of intense self-discovery. For the longest time I thought he was the reason it didn't work. And without laying sole blame on him, I had to realize I also had part in the blame.           You see, this whole time I have been on this road trip, save for the first few days...

I had the opportunity to go the largest biosphere in the world. Biosphere2, located outside of Tucson, Arizona. I had always heard of this place growing up, but wasn’t quite sure what it was. So, I paid my 20$ for the tour and went in with an open mind. Water...this large and completely self-sustainable biosphere was set up to try and understand water: the underlying basis of all life. The questions that they set out to answer, “How does the water cycle influence us as humans and the environment? How can we monitor the output of water on the earth, how much is being used by plants and humans and then how much is returned back to the atmosphere?” And the most interesting one, “How can we use this information to understand how humans can sustain themselves in a drought.” It was a lot of information, and it got me thinking. A little tidbit of information...when this biosphere was built, in the 80’s, the goal was to see if a human could live completely enclosed...

     I had the amazing experience to go to Kitt Peak and stand on top of this majestic mountain. It is on rare occasions that I feel so small and unimportant. Like today, I felt so tiny.       As I was driving below the mountain, awaiting to make my ascention, I stared up the 7000ft mountain in complete awe. I knew that in less than 30 minutes, I would be on the top gazing down on the valley.         Just imagine, being in a valley surrounded by the grandest of mountains. Now imagine scaling one of those mountains and being in what feels like complete control, only knowing that you are just a blip on the radar. I kept thinking about the something bigger and how insignificant I send to the rest of the world, and yet, how truly important I really am. How we are.         It is so easy to see the vastness of the grand experiences or the grandness of those things that make us...

I recently ran across this word. Zemblanity: the inevitable discovery of what we would rather not know. Well, how much does this suck? Often, I have said, “Ignorance is bliss.” And, to be honest, I kind of agree. I am not talking about the ignorance of not being educated; I am speaking more of the ignorance of the kind of knowledge or information that can hurt, break or damage us. Many times, I have come across a moment of clarity that left me more hurt and broken than seconds before. Times that information has left me numb, and unable to function at a normal level. It’s the hurt that renders us incapable of existing the way we are used to. My most memorable, and hurtful, moment of zemblanity was when, on the other side of the phone, my best friend, crying into the phone, told me my brother was dead. Just no longer existing. He ceased to be, and now I knew it. I had a feeling it was already true, but that is another post. Talk about something I would rather...

I once took a yoga class, and at the end of that class the instructor bowed gently and said, “Namaste.” I didn’t know what that word meant, or why it was said, but everyone in the class followed suit with their own bow and namaste. What they were saying was, “My soul honors your soul.” Wow. How beautiful. I have been thinking lately about rituals and the things in our life that make us give reverence to the something bigger. As a Catholic, we make the sign of the cross across our chest to also give honor. In fact, there are many things that we do that give this honor. As a Catholic, I am well versed in these simple symbolic things that give reverence to God. But as a human race, are there things that we do, on a daily basis that give that kind of respect to the something bigger? I am now in southern Arizona, and nothing around me but mountains, and I think that if we don’t give reverence, where reverence is do, we miss the point of life. Driving, I see mountains; I ...