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Can't hold vapor

It’s amazing how life treats us when we least expect it. I know that at 29 I can’t expect to have it all together. I also know that I can at least have an idea of what I can expect from life. Granted, I don’t know everything, but I do know what I want and perhaps a little bit of how to go about getting it.
Today I was presented with a very good opportunity, and without hesitation I allowed myself to take hold of it. It’s one of those small life moments that grabs us and shakes us awake. This morning when I awoke I thought, “Today I am good. Today I am alive. Today I am me.” Sounds dumb, but I knew that if I wanted something different for myself I would have to make a change. Coming off of my vacation I realized that I am the only one who can make that change. This morning when I awoke I felt empowered.
I received a text from the ex telling me about his day and how things are looking up for him. I was genuinely happy for him, but not in a: how will this affect us sort of way. No, it was more of a: how can this affect you. I woke no longer feeling tied to someone who can decide in one moment my future. I had allowed him to have too much control over my feelings and emotions, and I was tired of it all. I woke ready to be the person I knew I was: independent and confident.
If I have listened to John Waller’s song “While I am Waiting” once I have listened to it 10 times today. It has given me back the hope I had lost. It is a song about doing what we know is right while we wait on God to be active for us. But I know that he is always active in our lives; however, sometimes we fail to see the activity He is doing. Today, I saw it.
I was blessed to come in contact with a new and exciting person. A person that reminded me that I can’t hold on to vapor. Whether he realizes it or not, I was reminded by his interaction in my life, that I can’t hold on to something that I don’t have. With the ex, I tried to grasp so tightly to what wasn’t mine. I wanted to give my love unconditionally and without thought to whatever might come my way...but I was left hanging in the balance.
No, I still don’t deserve that. I deserve someone that will accept and honor me for who I am. Have I found that? Who knows. Maybe. Maybe not. But I do know that I am closer to being a whole being in spite of the fact that I tried so hard to make something out of nothing. Whether it was in my mind or whether the cards were on the table, I couldn’t be in the game without help.
I want him, the ex, to know that I still care for him. I want him to know that I want what is best for him, but also to know that I am done waiting for him. God in his infinite mercy and grace has a plan for me (and the ex) and it is just a moment in time before we both realize what that is. I am finally open to what is in store for me, and I hope he is too.
But yeah...come what may. I can’t hold vapor, but I can cling to what is in front of me. And when all else fails, God before me.
To a new beginning of life...of love...of caring...of change. *cheers*

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