Selling my soul

I was asked today if I had any talents. Well, not exactly. I was asked if I could paint. This was asked after I was asked if I could sing. Do you know how hard it is to tell someone no on both accounts? Sure, I can carry a tune, but I wouldn’t call myself a singer. That’s just ridiculous. I don’t make money at it, I don’t sing in public (unless in Mass or in the car with friends and family), and I certainly have never been recruited to sing the national anthem at an opening baseball game. So, no, I don’t sing.

My response was, “So, am I boring?” Graciously, the answer was no, but still. Am I boring? How often do I have to sell what I can and cannot do? To friends, family, and co-workers not at all. But everyday we are selling a little of ourselves. So, how much of our soul is intertwined with how and when we sell ourselves.

I told this person that I write. But I could apply those things that I have said before and then I wouldn’t be a writer would I? I don’t get paid for writing, I don’t write in public (okay, maybe I do a little), and I certainly don’t get recruited to write. So, no, maybe I am not a writer. But I write anyway. I suppose that is why this person calls themselves a singer. They sing...they just sing.

When I think about what I write on here, I am reminded that I am writing for one person: me. I feel as though I have gracious people that take time out of their day to read what I put on screen, and that makes me joyful. But the ultimate person is me. Why? Why then do I do it so publicly? Because I fear that if I didn’t then I wouldn’t do it at all. I force myself to do something for myself to better myself. However, one day...I might actually get to call myself a writer. I might one day get paid for it, *cross your fingers*

So, why do I bring this up? Because as this person sang for me, I could tell (even in the flat and sharp notes) that they were giving a little bit of their soul to me. They were pouring out themselves for the sake of my benefit. And I was honored. It takes guts to spill a part of you that is very important to you. It takes a little bit of trust to allow someone to criticize what you do. It is hard to hear that criticism, but it betters us...hopefully.

I guess what I am trying to say is that selling oneself for the sake of either our own benefit or someone else’s takes a vast leap of faith that the person on the judging end won’t demoralize us or bring us down with their judgement. I believe that everyone has a talent. I just don’t happen to be the person with the talent for music or art or something that I can whip out to show someone. I am still trying to find out what that talent is. Maybe one day it will be writing. Maybe one day I can say, “Yes, I do have a talent: writing.” But for now...as I continue to search for that one talent that makes me shine perhaps a different shade of light from those around me, I am still just a struggling word-puter-togetherer.

I think that it is important to foster one’s talent, and when it comes time that we must sell a little of our soul with that talent that we have the guts in the face of adversity to acknowledge we are what we are. “I am a writer. I may suck, but I am a writer.” I want those kind of guts. I don’t have ‘em, but maybe one day.